alive

nine

Vivian

TW!! sexual assault, rape.

"Come on, it's not that big a deal," The seventeen year old says, staring intensely into my eyes. "People will think you're pathetic if you don't do it," he adds. I don't want them to think that. Everyone just started to like me, I had to show them that they made a good decision. "Come on," he whispers, pinning my wrists over my head with his left hand, while his right traveled up my thigh. I squirm beneath him, but he holds me in place. "I- I don't want to," I say, but his hand covered my mouth. "You know you do," he smirks. Maybe I do, but don't know it yet. Maybe this was the right thing to do. Still, everything about him disgusted me, I don't want his hands on me. I knee him in the gut and he instantly punches my rips. I feel tears stream down my face and he sighs. "No, hey, baby. I didn't mean to, I'm sorry," he says, wiping my tears with his thumb. I didn't want him to hit me again, so I stayed still. He pushes his lips into mine before kissing down my neck. I bite down hard on my lips to contain the sobs that were begging to be let out.

"You're so pretty," he blurts out as he was kissing my thighs. I feel my heart quicken when he slides my shorts off my legs. "Wh-" I start, but his hand covers my mouth. "Shh, Shh, princess, you're okay. You're safe with me," he assures me. I'm okay. I'm safe with him. I hear his pants drop to his ankles, but I forced myself to stare at the ceiling. "Cameron?" I say. "Yes, darling?" he asks, while opening what sounded like a wrapper. "I don't w-want to," I repeat myself, but he leans forward and balances his face over mine. "Shh, you're safe with me," he smiles before going back to what he was doing. He pulls me closer to him, and forces my legs open. "Please, Cameron, I really don't wan-" I start, but I'm interrupted with a sharp pain to my jaw. "Shut up," he says through gritted teeth. I bite down on my lip to endure the pain. Then it happened- he inserted himself inside me, I was now biting down on my lip to contain the screams I wanted to let out. It's okay. I'm safe, right?

I opened my eyes and shot up, unaware of my surroundings for a moment, but soon I realized I was in my bed. I let out a relieved sigh, flicking my lamp on. I get out of my bed and slide my sweats up my legs before quietly opening my door. I ran directly across the hallway and into my brother's room. "Jaesuk," I tap on his shoulder, but he didn't budge. "Jae," I shake him this time, he opens his eyes quickly and furrows his eyebrows at me. "Can I sleep in here?" I ask, he scoots back and lifts up the sheet for me to get under. He had probably gotten used to it by now, considering the terrible memory haunted me every single night. He lays flat on his back and I set my head on his chest. "I'm sorry," I whisper, trying my best to keep my voice from breaking. He plants a kiss on my head and plays with my hair. "Never apologize for something you have no control over," he advises, I nod quietly. I couldn't stop the tears from leaving my eyes, they landed on my brother's shirt. He pulls me closer.

I woke up in my brother's empty bed. I didn't want to get up, because I knew I would have to put on a fake smile to my parents. I knew that they were waiting for me, they always have something ready in the morning on either of me or Jaesuk's birthdays. I sat up and rub my eyes, I looked around my brother's room, it was pretty empty, along with mine. Our rooms looked almost exactly the same. He had a closet in the left corner of his room, his bed a couple feet from the door, and his desk across from his closet. Mine looked similar, I have my bed in the middle of my room, and my desk was next to my door, but my closet was in the right corner of my room.

I realized I couldn't put it off any longer, so I got up and opened the door. I walk down the dark wooden stairs. My mother was sitting at the dining table, on her laptop. "Hey sweetie!" She says with a big smile on her face while walking over to me and pulling me into a hug. "Happy Birthday!" My dad joins me and my mother's hug. Jaesuk was sitting at the tall barstool in front of the bar that was part of our kitchen. After our hug, I took a seat next to him as my mom walked into the kitchen and brought out a big cupcake. She knew that I didn't want a big cake, nor a party because I don't have anyone to invite. My dad lights the candle on the cupcake and they all sing happy birthday to me. "Thank you," I mumble, Jae smiles before planting a kiss on my head.