4 (jaylor) gleaming twilight and an infinite afterglow

chapter eighteen.

She sat there with Patrick for an hour, dreading having to go back to sleep. Some nights she hated sleeping. Some nights the feel of the sheets against her skin suffocated her. Some nights the silence was unbearable. Some nights... just transported her right back to Adam. She was finding that it was coming back... those feelings. The memories. They'd disappeared for long enough to make her think that she'd completely healed herself. But lately, they appeared in her mind again. They sent a shiver down her spine. They sent her eyes clouding in darkness. She didn't want them to be coming back. She hadn't even told Joe about it - even though she knew that she should. She knew that she needed to tell him, because they told each other everything. She knew that she would feel better once she'd talked to him about it - but she couldn't bring herself to. Why was it getting worse again? Why were those thoughts still haunting her? Those memories flickering in her mind, a stubborn ember refusing to succumb to death.

Taylor bit her lip as she walked back up the stairs. She once again, peaked her head around Thea's door - just to make sure that she was okay. She'd had too many nightmares about losing her, so Taylor would always check to make sure that she was still there. She always was, but that thought didn't reassure Taylor one little bit. Too many people knew where she lived - too many people. That always scared her, and that was one of the biggest reasons as to why she loved being at the lakes and New Zealand so much. Because no one knew that they were there.
She didn't feel ready to go back to bed. Patrick had already gone back to bed - but she couldn't face it. She pulled her phone from her pocket, and saw a text from Blake.
I saw your lights are on - are you awake?
Taylor smiled. I wish I wasn't!
It didn't take long at all for Taylor to hear back from her.
This might be a little crazy - but what do you say to a midnight drive through the city? God knows I need it!
Taylor texted back immediately. YES. your car or mine?
She slipped into the bedroom, Joe still sound asleep in bed. She pulled her notebook out from the draw beside her bed, and scribbled a note about where she was to leave on the bed. She was still in her pyjamas - and threw a sweatshirt over her head and tied up her hair. She didn't let herself even glance into the bathroom, as she put on her cat slippers and headed downstairs.
This was what she needed.

"What are you doing awake?" Taylor asked Blake as she pulled up outside. Blake, much like herself, was in her pyjamas. Her hair was in a messy bun, and Taylor smiled.
"Can't sleep. It's too damn hot and cold at the same time and quite frankly, I'm just not tired. I don't know what it is - but I saw that your lights were on. I know that only means one thing. You're either sitting at the piano, coming up with a new masterpiece - but you never sent me any voice memos so I figured that you must be sitting in the garage with a guitar." Taylor laughed as she put in her seatbelt. "Was I right?" Blake asked as the two of them headed off into the midnight, blurry evening.

Taylor and Blake drove around New York, music blasting.
"You never told me why you couldn't sleep," Blake told her softly. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know," Taylor sighed. She really wanted to tell Blake that she was pregnant - but that made her feel bad because she hadn't even told her family yet. Blake was family, she had realised over the past few years. Blake had become a part of her family. "It's just been a pretty overwhelming few weeks. And that's been... amplified entirely because I'm going to have another baby." Taylor smiled and Blake turned to look at her. She pulled over to the side of the road, before flinging her arms around Taylor.
"Are you kidding me?!" Blake exclaimed, her eyes watering.
Taylor shook her head. "We found out a few days ago." She grinned. "We haven't told anyone yet... but I wanted to tell you."
"Taylor!" Blake squeezed her. "That's so exciting!"
"I know," Taylor sighed. "I haven't been sick yet - which I am so relieved by. It feels different this time - but I can't quite put my finger on it. Did you feel different when you were pregnant with Inez?" She asked. She couldn't describe how it felt different - but it just did. Something was different than it was with Thea. Maybe once she was further along, she'd know.
"That's a long time ago now," Blake laughed. "But I think it felt a little different. Almost as if my body knew what it was getting itself into!"
"I'm going to Rhode Island next week," Taylor told her. "I'm going up there on Thursday night to see the midwife, and Joe is coming up with Thea on Friday afternoon."
"So? Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" Blake asked. "They have tests now- you should take one! I wonder how far along you are! You'd be able to find out the gender of your baby! I am so excited for you! Congratulations!" Blake squeezed her again. Taylor smiled. It worried her that it felt different this time. Was something wrong? Perhaps she'd have to ask her Mom about it.

It was nearly three in the morning when Blake dropped her home. It was a lovely night, and Taylor was so excited that Blake was excited for her.
"As always," Blake grinned as she waved goodbye, "Your secret is safe with me." Taylor loved Blake so much. She wasn't sure what she'd do without her. Blake was someone that you only came across so rarely, and she was so glad that their friendship had flourished into an unbreakable, beautiful thing. Blake was one of the few people on the planet that Taylor couldn't live without.

Joe was waiting inside the door or her when she opened the door.
"Are you alright?" he asked softly as she put down her keys on the table.
"Yes, I'm sorry. Blake saw that the lights were on and she asked if I was awake. Next thing I know, we're just driving around New York, talking." Taylor smiled as Joe wrapped his arms around her.
"Did I upset you last night?" he asked her as he pulled away. Taylor cupped his cheeks, shaking her head. "Because if I did, I am so sorry-"
"You didn't upset me at all. I don't even know what's wrong at the moment." Taylor gave him a small smile. "I'm so glad that you felt like you could tell me about her," Taylor murmured softly as she kissed his cheek. "It's not you, trust me. I don't know... lately it's just been a little harder than usual."
"What's been harder, love?" Joe asked her quietly. He took her hand a led her upstairs.
Once they were in the comfort of their bedroom, Taylor sat down on the bed, Joe perched beside her. "If you don't want to talk about it - that's okay too." Joe whispered in her ear.
"Everything has just been so much harder, " she admitted as Joe took her hand once again. "Harder to forget, harder to move on. Harder to do all these things that I used to be able to do with ease. It's just hard because there a things that I thought I'd... Grown out of... Things that I thought had healed inside of me... But they're not. They still hurt." Taylor's voice cracked. "And I'm supposed to be happy, I know I am. But it's just a little hard at the moment. And it feels different this time. Being pregnant. Something is different. I don't know what it is but I can't stop thinking about it." She paused to take a deep breath. "I'm just worried that I've taken everything for granted and it's all going to turn bad now. I keep feeling like some day, everything I love and care about is going to be take away from me... It's this overwhelming fear... It consumes me. Some days it's all I can think about. It never used to be like this. It was always just a feeling in the back of my mind, but now... Recently... It's been everywhere." Joe leaned into Taylor, taking her hands and kissing her cheek. "I just don't want the good days to fade away because I can't get out of my head."
"Taylor, Love." Joe crouched down in front of her, his warm hands entwined with Taylor's warm hands. Taylor didn't want to meet his eyes, because she know that the moment she saw them, she'd crumble. "I'm going to start by telling you something that my favourite person in the entire world told me. And that was not to let the dark thoughts win." He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. "You can't be so... mean to yourself for feeling like that. It's like the ocean, the tide coming in and out. It's always changing, it's never going to stay the same. You don't have to feel like you can cope with everything all the time. You always remind me that if I need to take a day where I can't get out of bed... That it's okay. That it's important to be kind to myself. And it's just as important for you to be kind to yourself when you're feeling like this. You're exhausted, my love." Joe cupped her cheeks and ran his fingers softly over her dark purple circles which danced underneath her eyes. "You're never going to feel good when you haven't been sleeping." Taylor leaned his hand and sighed. "But you're doing great. You just need to get some rest. I'm not going anywhere. Thea is most definitely not going anywhere. She's got Benji in there with her - you know how far he would go to protect her. We're all safe. Nothing is going to happen to us. You're here, in this moment, and we're safe. That's what you've got to focus on." Taylor nodded, her eyes getting heavy. "Lets go to sleep now, hmm?" Taylor nodded.
Joe took off her shoes for her, kissing her forehead as he stood back up. "Remember? Focus on the moment we're in right now. We're safe. It's okay. If the dark thoughts are there, you shine some of that daylight you give everyone else upon it, okay?" That line. Taylor had heard that line before. Well, some of it.

She'd heard that line before.

Perhaps, in a poem. Perhaps in a poem, a long, long time ago. One that flew onto the window of her car - and reminded her why she was still alive. A poem that she'd kept - still, to this day. Half asleep already, Taylor pulled her journal from the bedside table, and turned to the back of it. Through blurry vision, she saw it. Folded perfectly in half. The paper had aged a little since that first time it had appeared in her life, but the words were beautiful. She recognised the handwriting now, recognised his words. Recognised - finally saw the WB written in small letters.
"This was yours, " Taylor whispered as she handed it to him. "It came to me one day all those years ago. Before I'd met you." She paused, smiling. "Joe, you wrote the poem that saved my life and I didn't even know it."