the hilt | eren jaeger

t w o - J.D.

[TW: Mentions of violence, pain, and abuse]

[NOTE: Cadets enroll in the Cadet Corps as 16 year olds]

[Read at your own discretion]

YEAR 847~

The environment I was in felt hazy and weird.

Kind of like a blurring reality, seeping in and out through the pores of time. There didn't seem to be anything keeping me here, but there certainly wasn't anything for me to return to━ wait. Why do I feel the need to return somewhere? What is beckoning for me to leave?

All of a sudden, the fogginess that had clouded my vision began to dissipate, leaving me to finally understand my surroundings. I was on the second floor of a dark and oaken barn, it seemed. There was light pouring in from the many windows, illuminating the floor with hues of deep pinks, purples and blues. There were bright white lines extending in every direction in the sky, appearing to be parallels to the heavens, or at least what my feeble mind's conjured image of heaven would be. It was truly a beautiful sight.

I kept my glance out and through the windows in awe, my mouth slightly hanging agape. There was pure wonder in my eyes, not having seen something this tranquil and effortless in a long time.

I only wish I could live in this moment forever, was the sole thought running through my brain. The earlier thought of leaving no longer nagged my conscious. I felt at home. There was nowhere to go, just time.

I began to sit down on the floor, taking the time to admire my clothing, not having noticed it before. It was a long flowy white dress, with a crumbly texture to it. I ran my hands up and down the foreign fabric, trying to understand it.

I then realized that my hands━ they were smooth. Perfectly moisturized and healthy, completely free of the scars that have marked my body. My fingernails are clean, and I can't help but notice the even tone of my skin. Usually it's splotchy, or doused with marks of war. There was no blood, no tears; not even a single drop of pain remained. It was like I had been purified of the lie I had been living.

Curious to see if my other scars had vanished as well, I examined my legs and arms. They were blemish free━ the only discoloration upon them were my dark freckles.

So, this is what it's like to be pure, I thought to myself. Reminiscing on my old body would only bring me pain and somber reminders of the past I could not even remember.

If- If my legs and arms are free of the marks, does that mean that the scar that tore my face had faded from existence too?

I reached my hands up to my face, hoping to find nothing but smooth skin, but the moment my hands touched the surface, I could feel the scar that beckoned from my forehead to my cheek, narrowly avoiding my eye. I was still tainted. Tainted by what they had done to me, tainted by the world. I could no longer pay any mind to the beautiful scenery around me. There was only the pain and sorrow that accompanied this scar, the dagger in which had graced my skin with it was merely long gone.

I began to sob, trembling at the feeling beneath my fingers. Why did it still have to be there, why couldn't it have gone away too? I ran my hands through my hair, eventually using them to hold my head up while I cried. I closed my eyes in defeat, not wanting to see the body that I was predetermined and destined to inhabit.

There were sharp pains along my arms and legs again, as if all of my wounds were reopening. Silent tears dropped from my eyes as I opened them, revealing the worst curse of all.