Control my anger || Clexa AU

~ Chapter 14 ~

Raven headed upstairs, but as she saw I was just standing in front of staircase, uncertainly, she stopped, looking at me seriously.

"Don't even think of going to her!" she said, pointing her finger at me. "Think if she'd come to you."

I thought of that for a second, but then I looked up to her, slightly smirking. "She wouldn't," I nodded, knowing it was a damn truth. "But I would want her to."

She opened her mouth to disagree with me, but I already grabbed my jacket and was about to come out of the house.

"I can't with you," she said and went upstairs, and so I headed to Lexa's house.

***

I knocked on the door once, then twice, but as usual I heard no answer. I looked over the driveway, but there was only Lexa's bike. Which meant she was probably home, but Anya wasn't. The door wasn't locked and so I went inside. There was a silence, no music, no sound of boxing, just a thrilling silence.

"Lexa?" I called out, hoping for her to call me back, but she didn't. No one answered me.

Slowly and carefully, I walked upstairs to her room. As I was getting closer I was hearing some sounds, but I couldn't quite tell what was it.

Her door was open. As I finally got to it and looked inside I saw her.

Lexa was sitting on her bed, all around her were some things, and now she moved her back to me. I couldn't see her face.

"Hey," I said, trying my voice to be as calming as it could.

She sniffled, then nodded, but she still was turned from me. She took a deep breath.

"Could you leave, Clarke?" she asked, quietly. Her voice was different. Was she... crying?

"Were you crying?" I asked, stepping a bit closer, but still keeping my distance from her.

"Me, crying, no. I don't cry. Why would I be crying?" she said, very quickly, and then sniffled again.

I looked at the things around her more observantly. I saw a few photos and I recognized her and the other girl either. She was on the photo, that Lexa harshly took from me.

"This girl, who is she?" I asked, hoping to finally get my answer for that question.

She looked at the photo. She was clearly fighting with herself. Finally, she sighed and stood up to me. She looked at me coldly. Normally, I'd be intimidated, but her whole face was red, especially her eyes, that still were puffy and watery.

"That's my girlfriend, Clarke. My ex-dead-girlfriend. She died. She died because of me. The only person I've ever loved died. On our one year anniversary. Are you happy now? You know all the truth, you know she's dead and I'm now like I am. Are you satisfied?" Her voice broke as she was saying it. The tears flew out of her eyes once again, now dripping on the floor. I saw her jaw tensing, her fists tightening. The mask from her face for the first time disappeared. For the first time I could see real her. She was broken, so hurt, seeking for comfort, but not wanting to open up.

Her stare made me look down. "I'm sorry..." I whispered, looking back into her eyes again.

"Ohh, Clarke," she huffed, sitting at her bed again. She got her knees to her chest and hid her face.

"What happened?" I asked, as I sat at the bed, right next to her. Close enough to bring at least some comfort, but still far enough to keep the distance she needed.

I waited for her to answer, as long as she needed it. She stayed in that position for a few minutes, until she finally let go of her legs and looked along.

"We were at a party, celebrating our one year anniversary," she started. She put her mask on again, her face showed no emotions, or it would seem, sometimes I'd catch a slight of pain. "It was first time she ever drank alcohol. Till this day, I don't know if it was because she drank too much or mixed it in a wrong way. But it killed her. She died from alcohol poisoning." She remained quiet. "It started slowly, she got drunk fastly, and it all looked like she was just drunk. She was sleepy, sluggish, unstable. Then she passed out for a few seconds. That was when I realized that something was wrong. She woke up after a few seconds, and started getting colder with every second passing. She couldn't answer my questions, her eyes couldn't focus, she had problems with breathing. I called an ambulance, but it was too late. She died on the way to the hospital."

As she looked at me, I realized my mouth was wide open, so I closed it fastly. She looked at me with pain, regret, guilt.

"Why are you blaming yourself?"

She closed her eyes for a few seconds longer. "Because I gave her the drinks. I was the one who gave her the alcohol. I knew she never drank before, I should've known better. I should've known that she was too small for such a big amount of it, especially that it was her first time. But she wanted to keep up with me. I should've stopped her..." she said. She hid her face in her hands, as she tried to stifle sobs.

"It's alright..." I whispered, caressing her back, slightly. I was unsure of that act, but it felt right. "It's okay," I said, once again.

She moved to me, closing the distance between us, fitting right into my body. Her hands closed behind my back, as she started crying. Her yelps of pain made my eyes got watery, but I blinked hardly, because I knew I had to be the strong one now.

"It's okay," I whispered, stroking her back, comfortingly. She sobbed into my chest and for the first time I realized how much real she was.

Lexa was always closed, not smilling, joking, she just was there, sometimes rude or mean, never positive. Like she was ghost, not a person. She never showed any feelings. Even when she was getting in a fight, she was doing it emotionlessly.

But now she was real. What she was feeling was real. Her pain was real.

I saw Anya standing in the door frame. How long was she there? She stared at us, hypnotized. Her face was showing off a clear shock, as she traveled her glance from Lexa's crying body to my eyes.

I knew that something bad would happen if Lexa would know that someone other was seeing her vulnerable now. Even if it was Anya. I looked significantly into her eyes and she just nodded, understandingly. Then she walked away, not making any noise.

Lexa kept crying, making my shirt wetter with every second, but I didn't care about it. Everyone, no matter how hard or how long they're fighting, always have to break. And she just broke. She broke to me, and it was more than okay. Because I knew that she needed it. I caressed her back, hugging her tightly.

"It's alright..."

I'm honestly proud of that chapter. What do you all think of it? Be honest, pls.