Sugar High

God, This Hurts

"Baby, we need to talk" he picks up his toast and takes a big crunchy bite and grins at me like a child and my heart begins to break for him and what I did to him

*****************

The words come out of her mouth like machine gun fire, rapid and brutal, each one hitting my chest harder than the last.

I put down my toast and try to line each thought up in a logical order but nothing makes sense.

She came to the dinner but I didn't see her

She spoke to Frankie but didn't speak to me

She went to Miki' s...

Fuckin Miki! I knew he was making moves on her!

I push myself to my feet but have no idea where I'm going, she grabs my arm but I push her away from me unable to have her touching me right now

I slam my hands down on the counter top and try to breath. Why can't I breathe???

Am I hyperventilating?? Am I having a fuckin panic attack because my girlfriend just cheated on me???

I look at her, so tiny, in nothing but an oversized black t-shirt and all I can see is that motherfuckers hands all over her.

I have to find him, I have to hit him, actually fuck that I have to kill him

I head for the door and she must know what I'm thinking because she gets inbetween  me and it

"It wasn't his fault"

"This is all his fuckin fault. He wanted this, he wanted you"

She puts her hand on my chest and lowers her head

"I didn't trust you, I went over there, I asked him for it, Shawn I'm the only one to blame"

"No"

"Its true"

I shake my head unable to accept it "No"

"Baby, please sit down" she leads me to the sofa and we sit down, she doesn't let go of my hand and I don't pull it away from her, too afraid that if I lose contact now it will be the last time I ever touch her

God this hurts

"I'm so sorry" she whispers it whilst drawing shapes on the back of my hand with her thumb "I saw you with Frankie and I lost my mind. I should have spoken to you, I should have protected us"

"You took every protective layer I ever wrapped around myself and removed them all until I was so fuckin vulnerable. Not a CEO, not a player, not a big deal just Cal, you stripped me down to this just to break me. Was that the plan all along? Teach him a lesson? give him a taste of his own medicine? Give him something so pure and so perfect and then smash it to pieces right in front of him? I bet Taylor was involved in this to, wasn't She? That bitch hates me"

"No"

"God I hate this feeling!!!" I slam my hand down onto her coffee table and she jumps with fright "Fuck you for doing this to me, fuck you for making me feel all that shit I didn't want to feel so that when it went wrong I end up feeling like this" I stand up wanting to be anywhere but with her but scared to be anywhere without her

"Callan it was just a kiss, I swear as soon as it went any further i stopped it" she's heading towards me and I want to grab her and forgive her but at the same time I can't bare to look at her "Baby please..."

"You kissed another guy with the same lips you are using to call me baby"

"You cheated on Carmen over and over again and she forgave you"

God, Carmen, is this what she felt  every time I went with another girl, every time I would kiss her after was she thinking of the other women? God I'm the biggest dickhead that ever walked this earth

"If she forgave you then why can't you forgive me???" Her eyes are wide and desperate and a sick part of me likes seeing her this desperate not to lose me

"Carmen forgave me because her feelings weren't real, they were in her fuckin head, part of some mental disorder she has. My feelings... they're in my fuckin chest Mila and I can't just ignore this shit" I storm towards her front door and she screams my name, hurtling across the floor and grabbing my arms

"Please don't do this, please don't end this"

"End it? You actually think that's a possibility for me at this point? If I did that 1. I would be the biggest fuckin hypocrite alive and 2. I would be walking away from the first girl I ever loved. Don't call me, don't text me and definitely don't fuck any other men. I will be back I just don't know when"

Slamming her door shut I only have one destination and one motherfuckin objective. Remove the balls of the man that thought he could feel up my girlfriend and live.