Ace: His Angel (Phoenix Riders MC 1)

49: No One To Blame

Kaitlyn POV

The need to pee forced me to wake up. Looking around, I was alone and at Killer's place. It took me forever to sit up, let alone get to the bathroom. Turning on the light, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Swollen eyes, bruised, dry, split lip, and stitches in my forehead. Lifting the loose shirt I wore with my free arm, black, blue, and yellow bruises covered my abdomen with a few bandages. Tears slid down my face, stinging my eyes and lips.

This is who I am now... broken and unwanted.

After peeing, I walked to the top of the stairs and heard Kyle and Ace talking. I thought about calling out, but Azzaro's words stuck with me. The damage Noah and Azzaro did fucked me up.

"The only one who will ever love you is right there next to you," Azzaro taunted, "and Noah is the only one here. Not Ace. Not your brother. Noah. He is the only one who loves. Don't you see that?"

"This is your fault and your fault only. You are mine," Noah echoed. "This is love. Never doubt that. Fairytales don't happen in the real world."

Ace's voice pulled me from my thoughts, and when my eyes met his, I froze. His dark, haunted eyes told me he hadn't slept in days, and I glanced away. Worry consumed him, worried that I would break at any moment, and I might. But I can't let him in again.

Killer spoke, but the voices in my head overpowered him. Screaming how I wasn't good enough and worthless. Eventually, the voices won. "You should have just left me," I hoarsely whispered.

Ace wanted to say something, but if I heard his voice, I would crumble. "I'm not worth anything. I wasn't before- and now... Before I left, I thought...I'm sorry," I said, returning to the room.

Killer followed and watched as I slowly lay down, trying to hide my pain. He sat on the bed, grabbing my hand to comfort me, but I pulled away without thinking. Pain flickered in his dark, sunken eyes as he realized I was far from okay. We were both in pain and hurt, but it was my fault.

I should have left before it got this far. I put everyone in danger, forcing Kyle to deal with his past, and not by choice.

"Princess, look at me. Please," he pleaded. Looking at him, tears streamed down his face, breaking my heart. "This is not your fault. Any of it," Killer assured me.

"Yes, yes, it is. I was trying to protect Chloe. I thought that if-"

"I know. Chloe told us what had happened and what you did for her. I am so sorry, Kaitlyn. We should have found another option. This is my fault. And mine alone," he assured, and my eyes widened. They knew... Ace knew. They will never see me the same way again.

Killer is my brother. Family. But Ace isn't family. Not truly, and he can walk away at any point.

I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but he gave me a look, and I backed down. "Yes, you are Ace's old lady, and he will always keep you safe. But you are my little sister, and as the president, it was my call; I made the final decision. My decision is why it took us days to find you. I put the club before you... again."

"But he's not family," I whispered, tears falling from my eyes.

Killer sucked in a breath, hurt. "I know you struggle with family, but Ace loves you. He blames himself, probably more than I do. I understand your fear and desire to push him away, but give yourself some time. Regardless of what happened at the compound, he will always love you," he reassured me, but I wasn't sure.

"What you went-" he stopped immediately, and I tensed at his words. Thoughts flooded my mind, and I didn't have the strength to push them away. Killer cleared his throat, and I looked back at him. He gave me a sad smile and continued. "It takes time to heal, and I'm not going anywhere," he promised.

We all blamed ourselves, but truthfully, it was none of ours. Not that any of us would admit that.

My body shook as I cried, letting myself fall apart, and eventually, I fell asleep. Killer sat in the armchair, never leaving as he promised. I woke up to sweat covering my skin as I tried to catch my breath from my nightmare. The pain in my abdomen and arm returned when I jerked myself awake. However, the IV was gone. Progress.

I found myself alone again, but I couldn't ignore my stomach growling and forced myself out of bed again. After ten painful minutes of walking down the stairs, I bit back the tears and made it to the kitchen. I'm no stranger to pain and have a high tolerance, but this is a whole other level.

Someone stocked the fridge. Kyle must have gone shopping. Cooking isn't an option, so leftovers and the microwave are my new best friends. I grabbed some pasta and reached for the microwave, but the reach was too much for my body. My shoulder and ribs popped, causing excruciating pain, and I dropped the food.

Between the food spilling and my scream, I didn't hear anyone come in. Someone touched my back, and I jumped from the unwelcome touch, resulting in more tears and pain. Holding my shoulder, I turned around, backing myself against the counter, away from whoever touched me.

"I'm sorry. It's just me, Angel," Ace whispered. Too late.

My breathing became erratic and short because of my fractured ribs, causing me to panic more. Through blurred tears, I saw Ace back away, fighting his instincts to reach out and help.

"I can call Doc to put your shoulder back in, or I can help. I just need you to breathe," he whispered, struggling to stay away.

I shook my head and focused on my breathing. Without a second thought, I pulled my shoulder forward and back into place with a muffled cry before crumbling to the floor. Ace watched me with intensity before cleaning up my mess and grabbing more food.

He handed me the food and a fork and sat a few feet from me. I didn't know what to say, but I could feel the anger radiating off him as I sat there silently.

Ace and Killer may not blame me, but I still do, and Ace's anger proves I should.

Finishing my food, I placed my sweaty hands on the cool floor, calming myself. Ace gently placed his hand on mine, and I tensed. It took everything in me not to move. Looking at Ace, tears streamed down his face, and I broke.

"I push you away, and you keep returning like I haven't hurt you. Like I'm not damaged. How can you look at me and tell me this is still what you want?" I cried.

Ace stared at me, heartbroken. "Because I see you. I see the woman behind the demons, waiting to let the phoenix in her rise. I made a promise to be there for you, no matter what. This is the 'no matter what' part of it."

I want to believe that Ace loves me no matter what, but I'm scared. The amount of healing I need to accomplish is daunting, and I will never be the same. But if I wanted to heal, I needed to start.

Wiping away my tears, I asked, "In your room, there's a notebook. Think you could get that for me?"

Ace sent a text and returned his hand to mine, but I pulled away instinctively. He didn't flinch or move his hand, but stayed where he was. Just as he promised he would.

Time. It's going to take time, just as it had before. I could tell them what had happened, but I don't think I can.

"What else do you need, Angel?"

"Patience and you to just sit here with me a while longer."