A Plus In Love

*PAIN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR*

“Can you come home now?” 

“What’s wrong Giles?” Her voice full of concern, I relaxed. 

“So many things. I just need you.” I couldn’t help it, the tears just started. I cried so hard I couldn’t speak but she softly spoke to me whispering. She let me get it all out, then said it would all be ok. “I have to tell you something.” 

“There really isn’t much at this point that can surprises  me Giles.” I took a deep breath. 

“I got papers today from a lawyer.” I swallowed hard. “I have to give my dna in a paternity case for Melanie.” She didn’t hesitate. 

“Do you think it’s yours?” Her voice was smooth and steady. 

“No, I don’t. She wants to give the baby up for adoption and the family wants all loose ends taken care of.” I knew the baby wasn’t mine, but it still made me angry.  Angry Melanie was squirming her way into my life again. Angry choices were being taken away, again. 

“That is a lot take in, love.” She sighed. “What if that baby is yours? Have you thought about that?” She was very calm, almost stoic. She was like this a few times before. When she was taking extra medication. Did they have her drugged up? 

“I don’t want it.” The words were hard even to my own ears. A sound caught in her throat. She sounded surprised. 

“It would be your child, Giles. Are you saying that because Melaine is the mother?” She paused for a moment then spoke again.” I can understand your anger at her, but that sweet little baby didn’t do anything wrong. It deserves all the love and support a family can give.”  Her voice shook at the end. 

“You’re right, and I’m not ready for that. With us it was different. But there is a family that wants this baby. I know it’s not mine, but if it is, I’m signing.” It would have been different with Lily. I would have done anything to be what I needed to be. I wanted to marry her. But this baby already has a family. I wasn’t going to change that. 

“If that's what you want, I’ll support you. I’ll support you either way.” There was some noise in the back and voices. “I have to go, but call if you need too, ok. Love you bye.” She hung up the phone. I looked again at the papers. I was due to be at a clinic for the dna sample tomorrow. I called Dutch. 

“Hey man, You coming out of your comma?” He laughed. “Nah, I”m just kidding, what’s up?”  

“You wanna go throw the ball around and stuff?” 

“Yeah, you wanna go to the park?” 

“Sounds go, about twenty minutes?” I changed my clothes and grabbed a few drinks. Mom seemed happy I was going to ‘play with my friends’. I got there first and had to put memories of us there out of my head. I did a couple of laps and Dutch joined me for a few more. We had been tossing the ball back and forth, chasing each other, talking smack. I felt happy for the first time in a long time.  Hungry even. “Hey you wanna get a burger?” 

“Yeah that sounds great.” He looked over my shoulder and his face changed. “Hey do you know that dude?” I turned around and saw Lily’s brother stalking toward me. He looked angry, and not like a druggie looking for a fix angry. The same anger I would have if someone hurt Eve. 

“Hey asshole. I heard about what you did.” I did not back down. I stood  there until he got to a few feet away from me. “You knock another one up, too Piece of shit!” H swung and I let him land one. I deserved that much. But I caught the second and socked him in the gut. I justed my injured hand and pain radiated up my arm. It felt good. He dropped to the ground. “I know that I’m a terrible brother, but I never meant to hurt her.” He just looked up at me from the ground like I was the devil. 

“I love her, I’m still trying for her. What are you doing?” Dutch touched my shoulder. I walked away from him. The sooner I got this business over with Melaine the better. I enjoyed my burger more than I had any food since before thanksgiving.

“How are you really doing?” Dutch looked at me without looking at me. This was serious. “It’s a lot to deal with. I don’t know what I’d do man” I could see in eyes, his concern. 

“It changes from minute to minute. Sometimes I’m full of rage, sometimes I”m so fucking sad it hurts. Others I just don’t give a fuck about anything.  Sometimes I’m actually happy. It’s a really mind fuck.” He munched on his fries. 

“I”m sorry man. I wish I could...help.”  We were silent the rest of the meal but I felt better. I had to go through the hard shit, but I had support.