Hickey [5sos]

25%

CALUM

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It was only the fourth day of collage and it ruined everything. Now its day six and its the weekends.

-

I breath out as I sat on the edge, dangling my legs over the building-- which my apartment was placed in-- as they swung around, what a child would do, almost as if I still was one. 

I haven't gone to school in two days, meaning its the 6th day I've been here. I thought I was beginning to like it, until she showed up.

I was confused, and scared, I mean she was bringing me into an empty class, and she did touch my arms in the cafeteria.

" Calum you really are fit, are you sure you don't work out? " she smirks at me as she backs me up against the wall, licking her lips seductively, which was really not working for me. She got up on her tippy toes, so her lips were below my ear, whispering " Do it, "

I knew what she was talking about. Luke told me all about how she got a hickey from each guy. I really don't know what to do to be honest, I was fucking scared of what was happening, I was probably sweating waterfalls right now.

" Uh -I "

And that's when I made my idiotic move and pushed her away, running out of that classroom which was filled with apparatus' and such, running out the doors of the school. As soon as the wind hits my face, I stop and take breaths, in and out, in and out. I can do it. Yes I'm fucking asthmatic.

Taking about one minute, not wanting her to find me, I stay in my spot and try, it felt like I fucking couldn't breath. Fuck.

I found a bench nearby, behind a tree, sitting down and resting my back against the tree. Fuck what the fuck just happened. I can't go back in there, she probably thinks I'm a fool now.

Fuck fuck fuck what an idiot I am.

Yesterday was quite eventful in fact, which was strange because nothing ever happened in my life. I looked down, from the ledge I was sitting at, all the cars passed by, they looked tiny from up here. One slip could end it all, I could be gone. Everything could fucking end for once. People wouldn't have one more problem in their life, me.

If only it would be that easy though, I can't change, I'm still the fuck up everyone knows me of, and somehow, I thought this would be different. Somehow they could have seen me as a normal person, not a messed up idiot, but what I had done yesterday? Well that was a fool move. I'm a fool. And people know that now,

Why must I be born like this? Why couldn't I be liked? Why did I have to be the messed up, fucked up, problematic one of the family? Why can't I be like my sister, Mali koa? She's fucking perfect. She's popular and most importantly, loved. Although, she's the one stopping me, stopping me from ending this painful bliss of what I call life. She's helped me. She doesn't make me feel worthless, or unneeded. She cries every time she sees my scars, and that just hurts me. I don't want to see her cry, but I just can't seem to stop what I do, unfortunately.

Yeah but what would happen if I was perfect? How would people treat me? Would they give me everything I want? Would I never be hurt by them? Would they love me? Out of all, the most important question is, would I be happy with it? That's all I want in life, and I have not gotten that in such a long time.

That last time I guess I could say I was truly happy was when I was possibly about 10. Long time ago huh? It had just somehow occurred to me that I didn't, well, I didn't like how I was. I never liked how I acted. I was the fucking weirdo of the group. I was just plain weird. I had started the self harming at around 12 though, although it didn't stop there, people would pick at how skinny I was, or how I had no friends. And thats when i started having suicidal thoughts, at the age of 14 I wanted to be dead, there were suicidal thoughts flooding or clouding my brain, telling me to do it.

My sister was the first to find out of what I had done. And then my mom, my mom cried when she found out, do you know how much pain that caused me? Do you know what it's like when the reason your mom is crying is because of you? It fucking brings you the most pain.

She wanted to help me, she had sent me to therapy sessions over and over, but they couldn't seem to do anything to help, and so I stopped, my mum was still upset, she didn't like seeing me sad, neither did my sister. But they couldn't do anything to change that.

My thoughts were soon interrupted by a buzzing sound which had come from my left pocket. It was my phone, it was a message from my mom, something about coming home for dinner or something. I guess I should be off then, not to eat, but to accompany and pretend, like the usual.

I shook my head as I looked down the building ledge once more, erasing those horrible thoughts from my head, for now at least. Not today Calum, not today. Some day, but just not today.

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this is mostly calum's thoughts ok and i wrote it bc it somehow relates to me.

nothing happened in this chpter ok i'm sorry i'm on writers block i cant think of anything exciting oh. but i will try to make the next chapter more entertaining ok sorry.

but seriously, thank you guys so much or 1300+ reads, it honestly means so much to me bc my writing skills suck and i always somehow manage to mess up the shitty chapter.

sorry for this super shitty chapter but i realised i haven't updated and i love you all ok bye.

[bold means throwback ok ok]