SOUL SAP

The Birds and the Mac n Cheese

After a recent conversation with my seven year old son, I looked up "The Birds and the Bees", curious where the term actually came from. According to Wikipedia, credit is due all over the place, but in my case, the origins didn't really matter. I was in a sinking ship regardless, and my only hope is that I had enough buckets to keep me afloat until I drifted to shore.

I had been preparing myself for this conversation ever since he came barging into my bedroom at the age of four with a raging boner and yelled, "My wiener won't let me sleep!". I told him to maybe stop touching it so much and hopefully it would stop bothering him. However, I knew The Talk would come one day, and because he asks five hundred questions an hour, I knew he would be the one to initiate it. I also knew that since my maturity level is aligned with a twelve-year-old boy, I'd be ill-equipped regardless of how much research I did.

Son: "Mom, is Lexi going to have any babies?"
Me: "No because she's been spayed, which means the vet made some adjustments so she can't have kittens."
Son: "Aw...that's sad. What do you mean by 'adjustments'?"
Me: "Umm. So...female mammals...hang on, let me Google this to make sure I'm correct. Yes, all female mammals have eggs inside of them that can get fertilized and grow babies inside the body with the exception of the duck-billed platypus and the echidna, because they actually LAY their eggs...oh wow, fascinating!"

Son: Blank stare.

Me: "Sooo...when the vet spayed Lexi, he made sure that her eggs can't get fertilized."
Son: "Wait. You have EGGS inside of you?!"
Me: "I do! Although, I'm sure they are all shriveled up and useless by now. Hahaha."
Son (serious face): "Like chicken eggs. You have chicken eggs inside of you."
Me: "No, not that big. They are really, really tiny. And when they get fertilized, a baby grows in what's called a 'uterus'. You don't have a uterus because you are a boy. Although some women have to get the uterus removed due to issues, but you don't have to worry about that...and before you ask, yes I still have mine, unfortunately. I have a friend who had to get her uterus removed, and now she doesn't have her perio-."

I stopped short. I was not up for the menstruation conversation while juggling the nuts and bolts of where babies come from. He'll learn soon enough when his sister gets hers for the first time and turns into a raging lunatic like her mother.

Son: (Thankfully avoiding asking more questions about the uterus removal) "What's 'fertilized' mean?"
Me: "Oh, ummm. OK, so you know under your....um...(making a dipping gesture with my hands that makes zero sense)...penis? Well under your, um, penis are your....little...nuts. You know?"
Son: "No."
Me: "No? Umm...like when you lift up your penis..."
Son: "Wait, I have NUTS under there?!"
Me: "No no...not like almonds, or peanuts...or hazelnuts...walnuts...um...like little balls."
Son: "Oh yeah! Those. Whew! I thought I was growing nuts down there, and I was really confused!"

Me: "Yes, you are confused because I'm doing a terrible job explaining this. OK, so those little...balls...are your testicles. And someday your testicles will produce sperm. You know, there is a funny saying that the penis and testicles are called your 'Twig and Berries' Hahaha. Oh man...so dumb....also when grown men wear their pants too tight, it's called 'smuggling grapes', however, I have a Czech/Slovakian friend who would always botch popular sayings. One day, she said a man was 'juggling cranberries', and we all howled because it was so absurd. I'm pretty sure I wet my trousers, and that was BEFORE I had two kids. Hahaha."

Son: Blank stare, mouth slightly agape.
Me: Laughing so hard I'm crying.

Son (not amused and expressing his best concerned face): "Will it hurt? To...make sperm?"
Me: "No, fortunately for you, nothing in this entire process hurts for you...because you are a man."

There was a bit of a pause, and I knew the storm was brewing. I nervously looked around the room and slowly stood up because suddenly I needed something that was definitely located outside of that room.

Son: "But it hurts to have a baby. Wait, how big is a baby?"
Me: "Oh, it depends (I sat back down). You and your sister were really big...like a little smaller than Lexi."
Son: Horrified look.
Me: "So, um, yeah. Does that answer your questions?"
Son: "Hang on. This doesn't make sense."
Me: "Oh, we're still going, OK...what doesn't make sense?"
Son: "HOW DOES SOMETHING THAT BIG FIT OUT OF YOU?!"

Me: (Taking a deep breath) "Well, a woman's body is MAGICAL (sensing that I'm spinning out of control at this point and wondering if I could explain this better using unicorns and rainbows). When the baby is ready to come out, it sends signals to the mother's body, and there is this thing called 'dilation'...and um...basically your joints become really loose and they spread to make way for the baby. Everything just stretches (using grand hand gestures like a massive balloon is inflating), and the baby comes out of the...um...vagina...and everything magically turns back to normal, you hope. And THIS is why I pee my pants on the trampoline. Nervous laugh)."
Son: "I'm so happy I don't have a vagina."
Me: "I bet."

Son: "I guess I'm just confused about how the sperm actually gets to the egg."
Me: Blank stare.
Son: Waiting.
Me: More staring.

Me: Staring up at the ceiling grasping for straws....imaging a penis and a vagina...and then looking at his sweet little face.
Me: "Do you want mac n cheese for lunch? That sounds good, right? I don't even EAT mac n cheese, but I'll totally have a bowl with you!"
Son: "Yeah!"
Me: Walking away having completely sweat through my shirt.

Not a total home run, but holy shit I tried my best. If nothing else, he's confused enough to buy me some time for the next conversation.