sparky // a padawan story

chapter 50. coping.

Mid 19 BBY. 16 years old.
It's lonely.
My only two legitimate friends at the temple, gone. Barriss, locked up in prison, rightfully so, and Ahsoka... Force knows where she is. All I know is that she's not at the temple with me.
Every time I walk down the corridor by my quarters, I always glance over at Barriss', in hopes that, maybe, just maybe, it was all a dream, and she'll pop out and ask if I want to read with her. Whenever I go to eat lunch in the cafeteria, I wait around at a table alone, waiting for the two of them to take the empty seats beside me. But instead, Obi-Wan sits by me. which he usually does anyway, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I walk alone through the halls instead of bickering with Ahsoka, I read alone in the library without discussing my favorite books with Barriss. It's very, very lonely.
I shouldn't have gotten used to having friends. I shouldn't have been so naive and foolish to believe I'd be able to keep them. But now I have to get used to being alone again. Sure, I have Obi-Wan and Anakin, but Anakin's more of a brother to me than anything else, and Obi-Wan a father. And of course I love them, but it's not exactly the same as having a friend around here. I had always been alone before, and in a way, that probably would've been easier than making myself vulnerable to things like this.
I haven't really spoken much, but it's not like I'm holding my feelings in. Everyone knows how I feel. I'm devastated. And so is Anakin. I know Obi-Wan is worried about us, but I don't do very much to help him out. He'll sit with me for hours on end and wait for me to talk, but I don't say anything. I haven't really had a conversation with him since I left the court chambers. When I have to talk, I answer directly and to the point. No sarcasm, no jokes. Just enough so I can go silent again.
Obi-Wan sits with me again one day, waiting for me to finally explain to him what all was going on inside me head. But that doesn't exactly go easy for him. He asks me the usual questions when he first sits down.
"Are you doing a little better today?"
"No."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No."
"Alright. Well, whenever you're ready to talk to me, let me know."
"Okay." And then we sit in silence, him on my couch, me on my bed, just keeping each other company. But after an hour or so, instead of the usual 'I should probably check on Anakin, too' or 'I have a Council meeting', he says something that I don't expect from him.
"Okay, you know what, Arlo, we're going to do this a little differently now. I need you to talk to me. Go."
His firm tone surprises me, and I speak quietly. "It's not that I'm trying to hide anything and close it all off, you know. It's that I really don't know what to say."
"Please, just talk. Say anything that comes to mind."
"...I miss them," I say, voice beginning to crack. "I'm so stupid."
"There's nothing you could've done, Arlo."
"I could've stopped myself from getting comfortable. From being so willing to open up. Because I just end up getting hurt. And now look at me. I'm weak, pathetic. I can't keep letting my guard down so carelessly."
"Letting your guard down and being vulnerable is the bravest thing someone can do. Especially so for you. I know how hard it is for you do open up, and I don't want you to shut it all down again because of one bad person. What Barriss did was wrong in every way possible, but you can't let that turn you back into the completely isolated person you were before."
"I miss Barriss, and she hurt me, and I hate thinking about it, but. I have my closure on that now. I really just need Ahsoka back."
"I know you do, Arlo. I'm sorry." I sigh sadly at his words and roll off my bed, sitting next to him on the couch and practically burying myself into his side. He grabs the blanket from my bed with the Force and wraps it around us. Even though I thought I was wide awake before, I feel myself start to drift off in the middle of the day. Maybe it's because in that moment, the stress' effect on me finally began to kick in. Maybe it's because it's the first peace of mind I've felt in days. But with Obi-Wan's secure arm around me, curled up in the blanket, I fall soundly asleep.
—
"Alright, Arlo, you've been asleep since yesterday afternoon, it's time to get up." Obi-Wan shakes me lightly, and I mumble in response as I instinctively pull the blanket closer to me.
"Get up, Arlo, Obi-Wan made breakfast!" I suddenly hear Anakin shout. My eyes shoot open excitedly and I look behind me to see pancakes stacked on a plate on the island in my kitchenette.
"How'd you make that with me not waking up?" I question.
"Because I'm pretty sure you were in a coma just then," Anakin says through a mouthful of food as he plops on the other side of the couch.
"That's gross, Anakin," Obi-Wan mutters as he hands me a plate of pancakes and puts a cup of tea on the table in front of me.
"Hold on, where's Ahso... never mind," Anakin starts, but then sighs with a frown.
I feel a sad pang in my heart. I had almost forgotten about that. "I think I wanna go back in my coma now."
"No, no, no, we're going to have a happy breakfast," Obi-Wan states.
"Easy for you to say. Your padawan is still here," Anakin tells him.
"Well I'm only here because Ahsoka told me to stay. And your best friend's here, too," I say to Obi-Wan, nodding to Anakin.
He sighs as he moves my cup of tea to the side and sits on the coffee table in front of us. "I know. I cared about Ahsoka, too, but I can't imagine how you all feel. I want to help you all as much as I can, but you all need to help me figure out how I can do that."
"Let's go find Ahsoka," I suggest.
"We can't do that. She made her decision, Arlo. As her friends, we have to repect that and learn to cope with it." Obi-Wan takes a sip of his tea. "I guess this has turned into therapy breakfast now. On the count of three, I want you to say the first word that comes to mind on how this whole situation makes you feel. One... two... three."
"Angry," Anakin and I say in unison.
"Oh dear," Obi-Wan hardly mutters under his breath as he puts his teacup next to mine. "Okay, Anakin, you first. Why does it make you so mad?"
"All of it."
"...Okay, I'll come back to you. Arlo?"
"Other than the fact that my best friend was betrayed by my other friend, said other friend tried to convince me at one point that it was my best friend who was guilty so it all points away from her, and then my best friend leaves because a bunch of old people didn't believe her when she was very obviously telling the truth the whole time?"
"...Is there anything else?"
"There needs to be change around here, Obi-Wan," I state. "Not necessarily completely changing the way we do things, or getting rid of our traditions, our way, but something needs to happen about the Order's inability to recognize mistakes. We're becoming too close-minded, too dogmatic in our beliefs, and that's why people like Barriss are falling, and citizens are losing their faith in us."
"I agree," Anakin says.
"As do I. I know the Council isn't perfect, but surely it will learn from our mistakes this time. I do believe that the war has misguided some of the Council's judgement, but I also think we're getting close to the end. We're reaching the climax of it all, and hopefully after that, we'll find our peacekeeping ways again. We're almost to the end of this mess," Obi-Wan tells us.
"I hope you're right, Obi-Wan," I say. "Because this war is starting to get out of control."
—
this chapter is just eh but arlo's about to go tf through it again so i figured i'd give her an unchaotic chapter before shit hits the fan :)
thanks for reading! -a 🪐