sparky // a padawan story

chapter 47. the brokenhearted.

Obi-Wan is not okay.
And honestly? I'm not doing very well, either. But I like I learned from last time: shutting everyone else doesn't help. I occasionally feel pangs of guilt, but I remember what Korkie said.
Don't blame yourself, Arlo.
So I don't. If he doesn't blame me, then I don't blame me. It's pretty much exactly what I told Obi-Wan after I got hurt.
It's been a few days since it happened. When I tried to talk to him about it in the ship back to Coruscant, he completely broke down into tears. So I held him while my own tears fell silently. I've never really seen him cry like that before. It startled me. He's usually so collected, but he lost any and all grip on himself in that moment. Every day since then, I've walked up to his door and knocked, wanting, no, needing to talk to him.
"Obi-Wan? Are you there?"
And every day, I get the same response. "I'm busy, Arlo." So I slump down the door and wait an hour or so until Ahsoka comes and gets me and says the same thing.
"He's not ready yet, but he'll be okay." So every day, I sigh and get up, growing increasingly worried and upset as the days pass. So we always go and find Anakin, and get him to try the same thing as I.
"Obi-Wan, please, let us in," Anakin says.
And every single day, we get the same exact response. "Not right now."
So Anakin apologizes to me and assures me Obi-Wan will be fine. Eventually.
I suddenly know how everyone felt when I locked myself away in my room. Worried. Frustrated. Upset. He needs someone to talk to right now, just like I did, though I didn't realize. And if I'm being honest with myself, I need someone to talk to, too. I try to stay strong for him. But it's hard without his help. I'm sure he's not trying to hurt me on purpose, he would never do that, but I need him right now.
Now don't get me wrong, talking to Anakin and Ahsoka is fine. They help as much as they possibly can. But they weren't close to Satine. She was like... a... ah, I can't think of a word for it. But I trusted her. I cared about her. We were quite close, though not as close as her and Obi-Wan. But close.
Ahsoka stands behind me in my bathroom mirror and helps me straighten out my robes. Today is her funeral. Her and Anakin aren't going, but Obi-Wan and I are flying to her home planet of Kalevala for the service. It's in the Mandalore system, but it's safe from Maul and his crime families.
"Do you think you'll be okay, Arlo?" she asks me.
"Yeah. I have to be," I reply.
"You don't have to be okay, Lo."
"Then I at lease have to pretend to be."
"You know what Obi-Wan tells you. Don't bottle it in. We don't need that... you know, black hole, happening again. He doesn't need any more stress."
"I know, I know."
"What about Korkie? How's he holding up?"
"I honestly don't know. I guess we'll see." I look at my scar in the mirror and try to adjust my robe to cover it a bit more. Ahsoka moves the robe back to where it was.
"It looks fine, Lo."
"I know, but do you really think everyone wants a reminder of the thing that killed her by the monster that did it?"
"You can't control the fact that you have that scar. I promise you, it looks fine."
I sigh. "Okay. I guess I'll go find Obi-Wan, then. Hopefully he comes out of his room."
"He will. Just be patient with him, okay?"
"Got it," I say as we exit my room. We walk in separate directions. I hesitate once I reach Obi-Wan's door, but then knock. "Obi-Wan? It's time to go."
Exactly 3 minutes and 37 seconds later, not that I was counting or anything, his door opens. Bags line under his usually bright eyes, and he doesn't speak. We walk in silence to our ship, and stay that way as we take off to Kalevala.
—
We stand outside of Satine's childhood home. Kalevala is a desert planet, like Mandalore, but a bit more welcoming than the terrain outside of the bubble of Sundari. It's a small, solemn service, consisting of me, Obi-Wan, Bo-Katan, Korkie, Soniee, Amis, Lagos, and a few senators from the Republic and neutral systems alike, like Padmé, Bail Organa, Ora Free Taa, and a couple more. Padmé gives a short speech before they lower her casket into the ground. I hardly paid attention to what was being said, I was too focused on two people.
Obi-Wan won't cry. He tries to keep a stoic expression, but it falls to a solemn and sorry one. The hood of his robe is up and his arms are crossed, practically hugging himself. I lean my head on his shoulder as tears well up in my own eyes, but I don't let them fall. I try blink them away. But then he uncrosses his arms and puts an arm around me, and I let them quietly streak onto his shoulder.
Korkie stands across from us. He looks as if he's in denial, disbelief. Amis has a hand on his shoulder in comfort, but it doesn't do much. He fidgets with his fingers, taking quiet, deep breaths to try to keep himself collected. Part of me wants to drag him over here with Obi-Wan and I and hold the two of them as tight as I possibly can. I think we could all use it right about now.
Obi-Wan and I stay where we are for a few minutes after the service ends. He shifts around slightly before he whispers to me.
"Go talk to him. I'll meet you back at the ship."
"But—"
"Arlo. I'm okay. Check on your friend."
I nod and pick my head up off his shoulder, and walk over to Korkie as the rest of the stragglers begin to disperse. He looks at me and offers a small thankful smile, but doesn't speaks. I stand next to him and we look at the tombstone behind the fresh dirt.
Duchess Satine Kryze
"There is peace,
even in the storm."
"It's a beautiful quote," I say quietly. He nods. I realize he's probably not going to talk, so I begin to speak softly to fill the silence. "...When Obi-Wan faked his death, and Satine came to the funeral, she told me something. She said he'll always be with me in my heart. And that's where she'll always be with you. Your heart. As well as mine. I've thought about it a lot, and I've come to realize that no one's ever really gone. They live on through the legacy they leave in this galaxy. Satine touched the hearts of everyone she ever met, including myself. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize... but she was like... like the mother I never knew I needed so badly."
Suddenly, he hugs me. Not really a hug, but he just... clings to me. I hesitate slightly, but then wrap my arms around him, too. His head rests in the crook of my neck. I don't really know what to do other than offer my presence. Just being there seems to be enough for him.
"Thank you," he says, barely audible. I rub his back slightly awkwardly in response, but it seems to soothe him. I feel him start to relax in my arms. He unexpectedly speaks again. "Are you okay?"
"I will be," I reply. "Are you?"
"Eventually," he says. "Aunt Bo sort of took me under her wing, and we're staying here for a while, the others are staying somewhere nearby. Since we're sort of criminals on Mandalore now. I think she feels really bad about it... she hasn't talked much. That might just be how she is, though, we haven't really spoke since I was little."
"Obi-Wan hasn't said much, either. But I'm working on him."
"Have you had anyone to talk to, then? Because I heard how bad it was when, you know, Obi-Wan died, but then didn't."
"I've had Ahsoka and Anakin. And you've had your friends, right?"
"Right."
"Well look at that, then. We're both gonna be just fine, yeah?"
"Yeah. It will take time, but yeah." He finally lets go of me, hands lingering by mine. "Thanks for coming. I'll let you get back to your padawan business."
I look over towards our ship and see Obi-Wan sitting in the cockpit, staring out to nowhere. "Hopefully I can get Obi-Wan to talk. I don't know what's happening. He's usually good at letting go... I don't know what's wrong with him."
"You'll figure it out. You always do." I turn back to him with a small smile. "I would say good luck, but I'm not looking for a lecture on why that doesn't exist."
"A lecture?" I ask with a soft chuckle. "I guess I really am turning into Obi-Wan."
"Speaking of him... you really should go."
"Right. I'll see you soon, then."
"Yeah. You know where to find me," he says, gesturing to the small home. "Come get me if you need me for anything and everything."
"Alright, I'll hold you to that," I say as I walk away.
"Oh, I know you will," he calls back as he enters the house, leaving the tombstone abandoned outside in front of the house. I board the ship and sit in the copilot's seat next to Obi-Wan.
"He's okay, then?" he questions.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine—"
I huff in annoyance. "Obi-Wan. You have ignored us for days. You don't come out of your room, I can tell you're not sleeping, Force knows if you're eating, and you're only speaking in short sentences instead of some kind of long, eloquent lecture. I know you're not okay. I know because I've been in your position before, around, what was it, about a year or so ago now? It may not be exactly the same, but don't act like I don't understand."
He sighs heavily. "You're right. I'm sorry. It's just— ah, nevermind. It's hard to explain."
"No, talk. Please. I've missed talking to you."
He ponders for a moment, then speaks. "I've learned to let go. Yes, I have attachments, I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but I know that, eventually, I'll have to let go of them. I think it was losing Master Qui-Gon that truly made me realize, though it took some time, that it's never really goodbye. We'll see each other again when we're one with the Force. It's made it easier for me when I think about it like that. I was ready to let go of Satine when the time came. I've let go of her once before. But I didn't know I'd have to let go of her because of something that's my fault. If I hadn't let my feelings cloud my judgement, we wouldn't be here right now."
"What's done is done, Obi-Wan. And it's not your fault. As much as I missed talking to you, I don't wanna hear the Maul-hates-me-so-he's-trying-to-kill-everyone-I-love speech."
"That's... exactly what happened, Arlo."
"Well... yeah, okay, it is. But you're not the one to blame. None of us are."
"I'm actually quite surprised to hear you say that. I thought you'd be taking this a lot harder."
"I am taking it hard. And I'm surprised I'm not blaming myself, either. But it's the same thing I told you after I got hurt: don't blame yourself if no one else does. Satine wouldn't blame you. Korkie didn't blame me. If they don't blame us, we shouldn't make ourselves pointlessly suffer in our own guilt. I mean, obviously I still feel a bit guilty, but I know it's not my fault." I pause. "Your fake death actually did teach me a lot. I hate looking back on it, but take me as an example. When you 'died', I blamed it completely on myself. Now, looking back, I know it wasn't my fault. I mean, yeah, it was planned for you to do that, but even if it really did happen, there wasn't anything I could have truly done to stop it. But I still sat there and drowned in my own guilt, and you know what happened to me after that. And we don't need anything like that happening to you, too."
"That is incredibly wise, Arlo," he says.
"I sound a little more like you every day, don't I, old man?"
"My teaching is finally paying off," he jokes. We fall silent again. "What about you? What's on your mind? You did mention you were taking it hard."
"Why did it take Satine dying for me to realize she's like the mother I never had?"
"Well, sometimes we don't realize what we have until it's gone. Why do you ask?"
"I think I finally, truly understand how you felt when Qui-Gon died. I wasn't helpless like when I thought you had died, but when I saw her on the floor with a hole through her chest... I just got... so angry."
"I sincerely hope that this has nothing to do with Maul and Savage, like you mentioned back on Mandalore."
I bury my head in my hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I knew I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself."
"Don't go apologizing yet, little one. Tell me what happened." I ponder over the thoughts that I've kept inside the past few days, the things I haven't even told Ahsoka and Anakin. They knew I fought the brothers, but no details. Obi-Wan listens intently as I tell my story.
"After the explosion knocked me off the platform, I caught a glimpse of the two of them before I fell onto a lower platform right in front of Korkie and his friends. I explained the situation, and we decided to split up to look from you all. Korkie and I went to the palace while the others went to the prison. When we got to the palace, I sensed Maul, so I went up to the throne room because I figured either you all would be up there or maybe I could find out where he put you. But then I found Satine, and he sent Opress to get you from prison, and Maul and I started dueling. And I was fine at first, but then..." My voice begins to crack. "He started, you know, looking in my mind. And I couldn't get him out. And he made the comparison... of my dad... and mom... and you and Satine... and..."
The duchess... she was like the mother you never had...
Your master... a father to you...
But now... her... and your real mother are dead... and in different ways, both cases... it's all you and your fathers' faults.
Tears start pricking at my eyes. "He said in both cases, it was mine and my 'father's' faults... and I lost it. I lost it, Obi. I got so mad, I managed to take his lightsaber from him and fight him with 2. I swang at him ruthlessly. I had him on his knees. I don't know what happened, Obi-Wan, but I was scared. I... I had no control, it just... it happened... so suddenly. Then Opress came, and he said you escaped... and then I knew I just had to make it out alive, not slaughter him. So the two of them and I fought, at this point, I lost the other saber, so it was 4 blades against 1. I made it out when Korkie found you all, and I felt balanced again. But I haven't stopped thinking about the... the anger I felt, and I know I'm not supposed to fight with my anger and emotions, but I couldn't stop it. I'm so weak! I let it take over! I feel more guilty about this than even going to Mandalore in the first place, because I knew I was letting you down but I couldn't even stop myself! I'm so, so, so sorry, I know I disappointed you, and—"
"Arlo, Arlo, calm down," he cuts me off softly. "Listen to me. You will never disappoint me. Irritate me? Occasionally. Worry me? Daily. But you can never disappoint me. Okay?" I sniffle as he carefully wipes a tear off of my cheek with the sleeve of his robe that I had no idea had even fallen in the first place. "I understand, Arlo. I know that anger is overwhelming when it doesn't want to go away. But you obviously were eventually able to control it, were you not?"
"Only once I realized I had to get back to you."
"But you were still able to stop it. You're okay now. That's what matters." He reaches over and puts a hand on my shoulder. "And I'm sorry I haven't been there for you."
"It's okay, I get it—"
"No, as your master, I should've been there for you."
"You're always there for me, Obi-Wan, maker forbid you have a few bad days. Sure, I would've liked to have been able to talk to you, but we're talking now, right? It's fine."
"Wow, Arlo. You really have grown up since we first met. I know I say that a lot, but could you ever imagine yourself saying anything that you've said in this conversation a few years ago?"
"Well... not really, no."
"I'm proud of you, Arlo. You've come a long way."
"I really don't know how you could be right now. I did exactly what you told me not to do."
"But you've learned from it. We live and we learn, right?"
"Yeah. We live and we learn."
"Exactly. Now let's go home. I hear they're having fried numa and waffles for dinner in the cafeteria, and that's one of your favorites, so we can't miss it."
I smile. "Yeah. It is."
"And they probably think it's weird we're still in their yard."
I laugh. "Let's go, then." Obi-Wan starts up the ship and sets a course for Coruscant, and we both take one last look at Satine's final resting place before we go. Finally, she is at peace.
—
for some reason i forgot to tell you all last chapter that the original cover art was from the maul vs arlo fight?? i guess it slipped my mind because i was sad because satine died and stuff, but parts of that chapter were actually some of the first ideas i had for this book, specifically the maul fight, so it was cool to finally publish the actual beginnings of the book. also, i thought a gold saber with the darksaber would look SO. FRIGGIN. COOL. like IMAGINE IF THAT EVER ACTUALLY HAPPENED WOAH
thanks for reading! -a 🪐