Identifying Sara

Chapter Twenty-Two

He sits on the snowy ground with his hands supporting the weight of his head. I can't tell if he is crying or not, his face is hidden and it doesn't look like he is breathing; his body is motionless. My instincts tell me to just turn around and leave him be, but I ignore them and do what my heart tells me: be there for him like he was to you. But I'm afraid; I'm afraid that there are boundaries and walls that I don't want to try to knock down just for his sake. I take a deep breathe before taking the few steps to him and sitting beside him on the curb that is still slightly icy.

"I'm sorry about her," I blurt out without thinking. Carson takes his head out of his hands but keeps his gaze forward. I take the opportunity to look at his eyes, they are red, but his cheeks show no sign of him crying. He takes a breathe still keeping the silence going. I feel more anger towards with my mother now, I know and understand that she is clueless about his mother, but I know by heart that even if she did know about his mother, she wouldn't care. It doesn't matter if he was a kicked puppy, my mother cares for no one but herself so whatever comes out of her mouth is done without a filter. I kick around a few rocks on the ground with my shoes that are somewhat old and dirty.

"You have nothing to apologize for." Carson finally says in a robotic tone making me take my gaze off the pebbles on the ground. When I look back at him his eyes are still looking forward, into the many trees that surround this place. His body is completely still, and I wish I knew what was going through his mind because it's probably racing with negativity.

I sigh and think before saying things I could regret later. "It doesn't matter weather I have to apologize for it or not, I'm still going to." I say to him keeping my eyes on his face watching when his head moves to face me blue eyes shifting and meeting mine. He gives a half smile, but the way his eyes don't move with his mouth give away that he's faking it.

"You know," I sigh "sometimes I worry that my father is the same way as her. Maybe even worse." I say quietly taking my eyes away from his. He frowns, "You're not afraid to find out, are you?" I keep my eyes away from him but I don't have to look at him to know his eyes are still on me. Truth is, I am afraid. I don't want him to know, but I really am. I'm afraid of dealing with another person like my mother on top of all the other drama I already have to deal with.

"A little," I admit. "I don't want to regret anything, regrets are for people who wish they were someone else," I pause in realization. I'm describing myself aren't I? I continue trying not to make things awkward, "but I know that if I meet him it could be the biggest regret of my life." I tell him finally looking back into his eyes. He nods as if he understands what I'm saying and stays silent for a moment before speaking again.

"But you want to get away, don't you? You want to find him?" Carson asks. I shrug and take a moment myself to think about my answer. With everything comes a consequence and I am afraid of the consequences that come with finding your father who can't seem to be any less creepy. "Well," he begins, "then every chance you get should be worth taking."

I know exactly what I want to say next, but I can't. If everything fails and I end up leaving again, I may never forgive myself. I look down at the ground not wanting to admit to anything, or start anything new that can possibly never be finished.

Carson gets up and stretches his arms. "I better get going," I stand aswell reading the changing expresion on his face. "But I'll pick you up tomorrow. be ready at 9 alright?" he asks smiling a small smile.

"9 PM?" I ask feeling perplexed.

"No," he says, his smile growing wider. "9 in the morning. set an alarm." he says with a chuckle. I release a small laugh myself. He leans in and places a kiss on my forehead. I feel my stomach flip, as he turns and gets into his car, heading home. The pink on my cheeks remains there for who knows how long until I finally decide to go back inside.

+++

No one has bothered to speak to me since I came back into the eyes of my mother. Despite the weather outside, Kristy and my mother still went outside to have one of their 'private adult chats' probably to discuss a plan behind my back, but it's okay because I myself, have a plan of my own.

As I lie on my bed staring at the ceiling, my mind drifts to Carson, replaying the moments of when he kissed my lips and forehead. It happened so fast, and all in one day, the thought stresses me out. What does this make us? He hasn't formally asked me out, and I don't think I should make any conclusions and just assume he is my boyfriend and I am his girlfriend. But the suspense is killing me; I wish he would've said something. I try to shake the thought from my head but it doesn't work because trying to shake the tingling feeling from my lips is impossible. I turn my head and notice my closet door open, the scary thing is, I never leave it open. I throw myself off my bed and sprint to the closet feeling a rush of pure panic take over my body. There the box stands in the middle of the closet lying on the ground; empty.

My emotions get the best of me and I end up falling to my knees, tears rush down my cheeks so fast that I wonder how it's physically possible. I snatch the box shoving my hands inside hoping to feel the cold metal of a picture frame, or smooth texture of a paper, but there's nothing. The only thing left in the box, is a small scrap of notebook paper the size of my pinkie. Alongside sadness, anger begins to boil in my blood, my mother did this, she was obviously suspicious, so this is what she does, she goes through my things taking away what I valued most!

I take the box in my hands and bolt down the stairs, ready to slap my mother. As soon as I spot her on the deck, I break. I run to the glass sliding door and open it using all the strength in my body, it slams against the wall cracking. My mother turns and gives me her deadliest glare which I happily return.

"What is your problem? I understand you're trying to ruin my life but honestly?" I hold up the box and she shakes her head knowing exactly what I mean. My eyes sting and my vision is blurry but I keep my cold stare on my mother.

"Honey, I had to, this is for your own good." I approach her as she speaks giving her my glare.

"My own good?" I say through gritted teeth, "what about my freedom? you are taking away what I want and using it for yourself." She doesn't understand. She never has and she never will.

"You don't need it," she says calmly. "You need protection, and I'm giving it to you, so be more thankful rather than selfish." She spits at me. Thats all it takes for me to snap. I almost forget Kristy is there because of her silence, but when my hand makes contact with my mother's cheek leaving a red imprint of my hand, she decides to speak up. Too bad I'm long gone before I can listen to her.

hey hey hey! sorry for the short chapter but I am not home and I was asked to update.. :) i hope you liked the chapter! don't forget to comment and vote and ily all! byeee :)