A Plus In Love

*BREAK*

When she did finally speak, everything about Lily was gone. Her voice was dull. Her eyes were empty. She was a zombie. Nothing helped. We had friends over. I took her places. Eve seemed to bring her back a little, but only for a while. She just...was. The day before Christmas eve, I walked into her being packed up.

"What's happening?" Lily stood at the window and just stared off into the void. Her mother was packing her comfortable clothes and favorite stuffed animals.

"We are going away for awhile. She needs to be....away." All of her things were suddenly gone. "We are leaving in five minutes. I'll be back in four" Then we were alone and Lily didn't turn to look at me or plead to stay with me. I walked over to her and she shifted her eyes to me. They were red, her head followed and she had been crying. She held herself like her insides were broken.

"They think I need to be away from you. Away from my room. Away from anything that could remind me. Like my body isn't the biggest reminder." Tears gathered in her eyes.

"Baby, no. You know it's not your fault." She let me pull her into me, and she held me back for the first time since we left the hospital that morning.

"I have to go. Something is wrong with me, and I have to fix it. I don't know when I'll be back." She pulled my face down. "I love you so much. There has never been anyone else." She went on her tippy toes and connected our lips. I grabbed the back of her thighs and pulled her up on my hips. Her head was on my shoulder. "Will you want me back when I come home?"

"What? Yes Lily of course." She peppered my neck and cheek with her soft kisses.

"Do what you have to do to work through it, Giles. I won't ask questions. It won't change my love for you." Her mother's footsteps cut my train of thought off. She slid down my body and rested her forehead on my chest. "I love you." Just as her mother opened the door she turned away. I followed them down the stairs and out to the car. I stood in her driveway long after the car was out of sight. I walked home still confused about what had happened. Mom called me into the kitchen when she heard the door.

"Hi honey." There were three Christmas gifts on the island, two with cards. Eve's gift was wrapped in Winnie the Pooh Christmas. I had blue snowflakes and mom had silver paper with poinsettias. "I just got off the phone with Lily and her mom." I stopped where I was. "She is not going to be able contact you for a while. But her mom is going to call and let us know how she is doing. I'm sorry honey." I grabbed my gift and went to my room.

I put the package on her pillow and turned the t.v. on. We watched Bob's Burgers together a lot. After watching Bob dress up like the Bleaken I could not stand it anymore. I ripped open the pack. It was a blanket. Her smell was strong and it made me hard. I felt like shit for that. I spread it out. It was warm and fuzzy and made out of my football t-shirts. I hadn't even noticed they were missing. My chest squeezed tight and my throat burned with a sob. I opened the Christmas card. On the front, set in a snowy scene was Mickey and Minnie holding each other, noses touching.

When I opened it a sheet of paper fell out but she wrote in the card. 'Giles, I love you. Please don't ever doubt my feelings for you. Nothing can change the way I feel about you. You were and are so many precious things to me I can't begin to write those down. You are forever in my heart.' I set the card aside and opened the sheet of notebook paper.

' I used to believe that if you had love, you had everything you needed. It would pull you through. I'm so sad to realize that isn't the truth. I thought if I had you, if I had everything I wanted, nothing could take me down. I've already been through hell right? I've already taken a beating and made it through the other side. But even with you, and all the love in the world, I can't break through this darkness. It makes me dull and numb. It makes me careless. I'd rather lay in bed than see you. I'd rather sleep than eat or drink. I'd rather die than breath. This is why we are leaving. I couldn't let you see this. Please forgive me.'

I tried calling but it just went to voicemail. I called her friends and they all had the same answer. She was gone and we didn't know when she would be back. She didn't contact anyone directly. Her mother did all her talking for her. I made it through Christmas for Eve, even though it killed me. Her present was a mini version of my blanket. She wouldn't let it go. She could smell Lily too.

It wasn't until we had been back at school a month that I felt the real consequences of losing Lily. I was in the locker room getting ready for practice and Dutch had been unusually quiet. Coach came in as the others moved quickly out. "What's up Coach?"

"St. Claire, I know you've been through a lot. More than any kid your age has any business to go through. I wish I could just waive a magic wand, but I can't. You're suffering and it's showing. Your grades have dropped rapidly and we are concerned that too much is going on for you. I talked with your mom and we agreed, I'm sitting out the next few games." I tensed up. "Now wait."

"No. Football is the only thing that keeps my mind away from everything. It's the only break in the constant loop of what if's or should haves." I moved away from him, wanting to punch the lockers. Everything was being taken away. "I need to play to get through," He sighed.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but you're on academic suspension. Your Life class grade is in the toilet, and others aren't far behind. Use that focus on your grades. Football isn't going to get you through life. You're smart, not let this bump in the road roll you down the hill." He meant it well I know, but all these things had been happening to me, nobody asked me. All the anger, sadness, and pain fueled my fist and I smashed my knuckles into the wall directly beside Coach's head.

He blinked for a moment, I felt the pain radiating from my bones and to be honest, it felt good. It felt better than anything I'd felt in the past few months. He slid out from underneath my arm and called someone for something. I finally dropped my hand and saw the scrapes across my skin were bone met concrete with almost no filter. The pain moved all the way up to my shoulder. He just stared at me.

"Go to the nurse's office, your mother's on her way." I sat down in a chair, holding my wrist, squeezing my fingers around it. I could concentrate on the pain, the pain pushed everything else out, even Lily.