Suffer or Survive

19. Snap... Crackle

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June 2020
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SINCERE

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I've spent most of my time fighting depression since my miscarriage. I want back to smoking weed heavy like I did in high school and college. I was at the point where I was always high. They BET show got postponed when my cohost ended up in jail for some wild shit. I was focused on modeling and my own ventures that I was trying to fund. I was still on the show with my brothers but I basically only recorded with Sedric and Semaj. They both, along with Jewel, were so concerned about me but I was fine. I wasn't trying to deal with anymore bullshit. I was good.

I walked onto set to shoot my take away before dinner with my brothers. I was tired because I wasn't really sleepy good. My plug was out of town and my supply was dying out.

"Sincere?" The producer got my attention "How do you feel about going back home"

"I'm not going to Atlanta for nothing" I shrugged "There's no reason for me to be down there"

"Your brothers want you at the celebration for you father"

"It won't be the first one I've missed. It's best for me not to go"

"Why?"

"My mother and I are like oil and water. Every time I'm in Atlanta some bullshit happens"

"Are you willing to talk to your brothers about it? Sedric seem to want to talk more"

"I'll tell you like I'm gone tell him. I do the same thing for father's day every year. I'm not about to change up for this show. It's a lot of shit I can deal with.... that isn't one of them"

"Have you and your mother always had issues"

"I don't remember a time when we didn't at this point"

"Is there a reason?"

"You gotta ask her" I shrugged "I can't tell you why somebody hold that much hate for me but if you find out please don't let me know because I don't give a fuck"

Everyone looked at me in shock as I shrugged. My indifference was due to it being the a little pass noon and I had already smoked three blunts. I wasn't feeling the show but I participated and did my part. I let them follow me around as Vee, Jewel, and Donna help me get my business stuff together while BET figured they shit out. If it wasn't for the modeling Vee and Jewel made sure I had lined up, I'd be broke. I was over everything and just wanted to lay in bed all day. Knowing I couldn't, I'd smoke and go through the motions.

I got up and walked out with the crew following me. We got in the car and they took me to Sedric and Semaj's place. They got a condo here which was pretty close by me close to mine and wanted me to come over to talk. When I got there I saw some of the other crew there already setting up. I spoke before going inside and heading up to his place. When I knocked on the door, I was actually surprised to see Samir open it. He spoke before stepping to the side letting me in. I gave a general hello before looking around the room. All of my brothers were here plus Santana's wife. I rolled my eyes knowing it was bout to be some bullshit conversation once again.

"Did you know?" I asked the sound guy Pete I had grown cool with

He shook his head with a sympathetic smile making me sigh. I looked at Sedric who was walking towards me while everyone else was seated.

"What's this?"

"I told you I wanted us to talk"

"You told me us, like it would just be you two"