Satin on the Slopes

Chapter 41

I wanted to stay silent. I just wanted to stew in my own humiliation and stare out the half-fogged window as Hudson drove my car. Hadn't I dealt with enough? Hadn't I stood before him with my face flaming one too many times? I was starting to get a headache from stress and my knee continued to throb, but somehow, sitting quietly was worse than all of that.

"You hurt me," I blurted. Christ, I wished I knew how to keep my mouth shut and how to handle my feelings alone, but I could never do that with Hudson. Maybe I had been pushed around for too long by too many men.

"I know," he whispered softly. He didn't try to defend himself. Hell, he didn't even flinch. His attention remained on the road as he drove steadily.

"I told you about Connor and you still went through with your stupid bet. Fuck, I made it easier for you because I pretty much told you that I was damaged and you knew that I would need someone, anyone, to make me feel better. I wasn't asking you to sign a contract stating you'd be with me for years to come, but knowing that you didn't want me at all and just did it to be right, that hurts."

His grip tightened on my steering wheel, but his eyes never drifted from the road taking us back to Calgary.

"I never thought that you were damaged. Going through something doesn't mean that you're less of a person or that your value has plummeted. You're a human, Penelope," he stated, almost like he was angry that I would even say such a thing. 

Too bad. He was the one who made me feel this way. It didn't mean that none of this was my fault. I had gotten a very clear warning from Shawna and I knew better than to let myself get hurt so soon after Connor. But he certainly wasn't faultless.

"People bet on horse races. People gamble with slot machines. People don't do that with other human beings. I always knew that Tyson was a sexist pig, but you honestly fooled me."

His knuckles were white now. 

"It was a mistake."

"A mistake is misspelling a word. This was a choice and a bad one."

"Penelope, I never wanted to hurt you."

"I have a hard time believing that. And I think that you can understand why."

Hudson took one deep breath, then another. His fingers loosened a little and his shoulders came down a fraction of an inch. 

"I wouldn't have told you about my mother if you meant nothing to me. It was hard for me to open up to you too. Yes, it was a poor choice, yes, I'm still at fault for going through with it, for not coming clean earlier, but it stopped being about a bet way before we slept together."

"You just didn't tell your dear friend that you were emotionally invested, did you?" I shot back.

He hesitated. "No, I didn't."

"You can't tell me that you care about me, then let your friend say something like that in such a public way. My fucking sister knew before I did. And if she hadn't told me, I probably would have had to find out from Rush. Do you understand how embarrassing that is? And what's worse is that I told you about what was happening financially, you knew that I couldn't afford to lose that job and you let it happen anyway."

"You're going to tell me that it came too late, but I fought like hell to try and keep Shawna away from you. And when she let you go, I was constantly showing her all the work you were doing. Turns out you didn't need me fighting in your corner." 

"But you didn't do anything against Tyson, did you? He knew that announcing that would destroy the career that I restarted. And if he was a real friend, he wouldn't disclose something like that in case it affected you."

"He's an asshole," Hudson agreed.

"An asshole you choose to associate with. Who you spend your time with says a lot about you. You stood up for me in front of a hockey player that could have literally beaten you to death if he wanted, but you can't even confront your own friend about going too far."

Hudson tipped his head back, pressing it hard into the leather on the head rest. I was certain that if he wasn't driving he would have scrubbed his hands over his face. Instead, he jammed his eyes shut for a brief second, checked the road, then glanced at me. 

"You're right. I know that you don't want to hear me apologize anymore, but I can't explain to you how sorry I am."

The silence that he promised fell over the car soon after that. I leaned my head against the glass and stared outward as the mountains turned into foothills. Then, Calgary appeared enveloping my car. 

Hudson parked in my designated spot. He helped me into my apartment, being helpful, but offering no words. Once I was safely seated on my couch, the couch where we had fucked, he glanced away and told me to keep weight off my knee and go to a doctor as soon as I could. He handed me my keys. 

I didn't ask him how he was getting back to his car and I certainly didn't offer to let him stay.

He left without any conversation.

I thought that when the door closed behind him I would feel validated. I had said my piece. I had told him everything I could, making sure he knew that he made me feel like nothing more than a slab of meat and that he had fiddled with my personal life for the sake of entertainment. I had seen his face twist in agony. I knew there was regret. And I knew that I had picked myself up all over again.

But somehow, I didn't feel any better when he left than I had before.

~~~Question of the Day~~~

Has a book ever changed your life?