The avenger wolf

Chapter 17

The door closed again. They finally left. It had been a recurring event these past few days, ever since I hurt Steve. I simply wasn't doing it anymore. I'd stopped responding, and it definitely wasn't for their lack of trying. They visited me several times a day, but I laid in the corner, unresponsive, until they eventually gave up and went away again. They always left, because they knew I wouldn't move if they were there, even if that meant skipping meals. So they left me alone, trying to give me time.

They had given me an earpiece, however, which I had accepted and I kept it in my ear at all times. It was a possibility of communicating with them over a safe distance, though I hadn't used it so far. I sighed. I could tell that I was giving them a hard time, and it bothered me. I couldn't be trusted, I knew that. Why couldn't they accept that as well and continue with the life they'd had before they met me?

I knew why, deep inside of me. Tony had said it himself that night: "family". They were my family now, of course they wouldn't abandon me. But couldn't they see that that didn't count anymore? I'd broken their trust. I had hurt them, hurt family. I'd never even done that to my own parents. And the guilt, every time Steve came to check on me I could smell it, the bandage, the wound, the blood. Even thinking of it made me shudder. I couldn't bear to be in Steve's presence, let alone that I could possibly be hanging out with them like before it ... happened. I sighed, leant against the wall and slid down until I sat. Perhaps it was for the best if I stayed here, or ...

What if I went away? I'd been thinking about that a lot. To leave this place and go somewhere far away, where I could try to make peace with myself. And if I ever did, I'd come back. It seemed like a great idea to me, but would they agree? I shrugged my shoulders. It couldn't hurt to ask. I reached for my earpiece and hesitated for a moment before I pressed the button. "Hey uhm, I know it's been a while since I talked to you guys but to whoever this is, hello?"

I knew that they had a system for the other earpiece. They'd decided to keep only one other earpiece in connection with mine, for my privacy. At all times one of the avengers had it on them, ready to communicate whenever I was ready.

I didn't have to wait long for an answer. "Hey Accalia. God, it's good to hear from you. Look I'm not trying to push you, but we just uhm ... well, we miss ya kid." I smiled, it was Clint. "I know, and I know I've been very tough on myself, but I can still feel that something's wrong Clint. I mean it's been I don't even know how many days? And I know that I still don't feel right. It's a gut feeling, but I know it's true. So, I can't do it. Not until that feeling goes away. I can't risk hurting anyone ... again." I added quietly.

I heard Clint sigh "Look I get that, but I ... we feel that this is not the way. We're a family, remember? We've never abandoned you before and we're sure as hell not going to do it now, but you have to trust us. Please Accalia, you have to let us help you, let us in."

"I can't, I'm sorry, not while I can't control myself, but I do agree that this is not the way. Actually, that's why I contacted you in the first place. I wanted to run something by you. Do you think it at all possible that you guys release me for a while? Not from this room, you know I don't mean that, I'm in here because I want to be. No, I was thinking maybe somewhere in a large forest or something. I think I need to disappear for a while Clint, get my stuff together. And when I do I promise I'll come straight back, but for now this doesn't work. I can't be around you like this, even you know that this doesn't work." I answered. "No Accalia stop, don't even think that. Listen, we're not leaving you behind, under any circumstance. So, you can put that thought straight out of your head." "But ..." I tried.

"No, this is final." Clint interrupted me. "I know it's hard for you right now, but we're solving this, together. We're not letting you run off somewhere where we can't keep an eye on you, you know that. Accalia, this is difficult for us too. We want to help you, but we're all a bit in the dark as to what is the best way. But I hereby promise you that it'll be okay and that some day in the future you'll be among us as usual, bantering away at something silly."