10 things I love about you - Hotchniss

the second time in New York

Hotch kept staring out of the window, right into the darkness. He couldn't wait to finally get off the plane, he was really worn out. The team was on their way back from a case in New York.

It had been his first time back in New York since his friend Kate Joyner had died a few weeks ago. Even though this had already happened a month ago, he hadn't expected it to hit him that hard. At first, he hadn't even thought about it, especially since he had been more worried about Emily traveling shortly after she had gotten beat up, but as soon as the plane had touched the ground of New York, he had remembered.

He had remembered how she had lied there, on the cold ground, choking her own blood. This image would probably never leave his head.

Emily had immediately noticed that something had been wrong with Hotch after they had landed, but she hadn't asked him about it. She had known that he had probably been thinking about Agent Joyner and the brunette couldn't help but feel bad.

The case had come in shortly after Garcia had managed to take back Emily's resignation. After JJ had told her that Hotch and Joyner had "liaised" in early times, Emily had found herself growing increasingly jealous, to her own surprise. She had noticed how much Joyner looked like Haley, and ever since, she was wondering if she had ever been Aaron's type at all.

She had disliked Kate Joyner, for a childish and unnecessary reason, and she had hated the days they had spent in New York, just because of her. But after she had been killed, she had started to feel terribly guilty.

Emily had given her best to ignore her jealously, to act like nothing had happened, which had worked out really well until Hotch's and her conversation on their car ride home from the bar a few days ago. They hadn't talked a lot ever since, but in that moment, on their way back, she suddenly felt the strong need to be there for him.

Rossi and Reid had already fallen asleep and Morgan was listening to music on his earphones. Taking a deep breath, Emily got up and sat in front of Hotch, who had sat down a few steps away from the other agents.

He took a quick glance at her, but immediately looked out of the window again.

"Tough time?", Emily asked silently.

"You're talking to me?", he just asked back. She decided to ignore this question; she wasn't really fond of another talk about the situation between them.

"I know that you were thinking of her."

Finally, he turned his head to look at her again: "It felt strange to be back there, knowing that she is dead. She was my friend, after all."

"I know.", she sighed. "Makes it even more real, huh?"

"Yes", he replied. "Here in Quantico, I was way too busy to even think about her a lot, but there, in New York, it was a lot different."

There was a short period of silence and Emily looked down at her own hands. They were still a bit bruised from her encounter with the cult a few days ago, and her black eye also hadn't faded completely yet.

"How is your ear?", Emily then asked, remembering how he had had a lot of troubles with his right ear after the explosion that had killed Joyner.

"It's okay", he stated bitterly.

As she just gave him a small nod, his gaze wandered over her body: "What about your bruises? Do they still hurt?"

"It's okay, too", Emily replied and gave him a sad smile. "Apart from the fact that I look like a freak."

"You don't."

"Liar."

A small smile formed on Hotch's lips. He had no idea how she did it, but she always managed to get him in a better mood.
How on earth did he deserve her being so forgiving? The last time they had actually talked - not about a case - had been two days ago, after he had shown up in front of her door, trying to apologize and failing miserably. Why was she so kind towards him?

"Can we talk about what happened a few days ago?", he then sighed, wanting her to know that he was still really, really sorry.

"Now?", she shot him a confused look.

"Why not?"

"Maybe another time", Emily sighed as well. "I really don't want to talk about this right now."

"Okay.", he just nodded and looked away again.

The silence grew bigger again, but neither of them knew what to say. Neither of them spoke a word, and as the plane touched down in Quantico, they just got up and left the plane in silence. 

Morgan and Rossi left immediately, whereas Reid went back to the bullpen with Emily and Hotch. Hotch vanished in his office rather quickly, and Emily let herself sink on her chair in front of her desk.

"God, I'm so tired", she yawned.

"Me too", Spencer agreed and walked over to JJ's desk, placing the small souvenir he had gotten her in New York on her desk. Emily remembered how annoyed JJ was by her office duty, but there was obviously no other choice for her than to stay in Quantico, as she was pregnant. 

"She's gonna be very happy about this", Emily smiled.

"I hope so", Reid sighed. "I've argued with the shop owner for solid 20 minutes to agree on a price!"

Both of them laughed, and Reid threw his jacket over his arm. "I'll get going, see you tomorrow!"

"Yea, see you", Emily smiled and watched him leave. Then, she pulled out her phone in order to call a cab. Her car war still down.

"Do you need a ride home?", Hotch suddenly stood in front of her desk.

She let out a sarcastic scoff. Where had this gotten her the last time? Oh, yes, pain. Just pain and confusion.

"I was just about to call a cab", she replied plainly.

"Don't be ridiculous", he rolled his eyes. "I can drive you."

Emily hesitated and slightly regretted that she had reached out for him on the plane. If she hadn't done so, he wouldn't stand there and talk to her. He would have never been the one to talk to her at first.

"Why are you being like this?", Emily asked, her voice almost sounding a bit desperate.

"Like what?"

"One moment you are really friendly, and I feel like we were on a good way, the next you tell me that you basically wish that we had never met, the next you show up at my flat and try to apologize, then you don't talk to me for days and then - after I reached out to you - you're standing here, offering me to drive me home.", she summarized. "Your behavior does not make any sense to me."

"That's why I wanted to talk to you", Hotch said. "In front of your flat; on the plane; now."

"Have you ever considered that it does not make any sense to 'talk' about it?", Emily looked up into his eyes. "What would it change? I think that it'd be better to just let it be, for the sake of both of us. We're colleagues now, after all, and our past does not matter anymore. You said it yourself, on my first day here." 

Emily knew that her behavior was probably stupid, but she had recognized that she was already feeling too much again, and she didn't want things to repeat themselves again. It had already been painful enough 19 years ago.