Suffer or Survive

18. Conflicted

"But you don't know that!" Semaj raised his voice

"What you mean?" Samir sat forward "What you know Maj?"

"I don't know shit and that's what bothers me. I can't tell you shit about my own fucking sister. I can't tell you shit about her life after Pops died. We was never fucking there and when we were everybody was taking care of Mommy"

"Mommy---"

"Mommy did Sincere dirty we all know it" he shook his head "She hates that girl"

We were all silent. It was the elephant we left in the corner of the room. My mother wasn't perfect but she took care of all of us. Sincere was always acting out after our father died. She never listen and was always in some shit.

"Mommy didn't do shit to that girl but be a parent. She wanted to be wild and do whatever. Every time some shit went down it was SIncere"

"Be real Santana! For once! We never saw Sin do anything bad. Hell she never left her room when we were in the house. Mommy would say she did a bunch of stuff but nobody ever saw shit" he looked conflicted "Then the shit Sed remember?"

"What shit?" Mir asked

"He just talks about remember her mistreating Sincere no matter what she did. Saying foul shit all the time. He remember taking Sincere to the hospital for shit and never getting a reason why. He said Mommy just swept it under the rug and Sincere never told him what happen"

"San did you know?"

"Know what?"

"About this?"

I sighed "I don't know what Sed remembering. What I remember is Mommy struggling to raise us without Pops. I remember her calling me crying every fucking day because she was losing her shit. I remember every call somehow Sincere always did or said something that broke her down. Yall didn't have to hear that shit! I did!"

"This too fucking much" Samir got up "I'm going to sleep"

"I'm just saying Santana" Semaj stood up as well "Maybe it's time to hash this shit out like a family. Shit it might be too late but at least we can say we tried"

Once they were gone, I sat back and thought about everything my brothers said. I was pissed off and didn't want to be bothered dealing with it but I couldn't shake it. Everyone painted SIncere to be the innocent child but she wasn't. The minute we moved to Atlanta she was starting trouble. The school was calling our mom every fucking day and meeting every week. She got put out of two schools in two months. She was always running around the streets staying out for hours. She was just always in some shit. The older she got the worst it got. She even moved in with a fucking drug dealer. The last straw was her trying to fight our mother. I will never overlook that shit. I will never forgive the shit she put our mother through. People act like I was wrong and to be honest I hated how I felt about my own sister but I couldn't shake it. I couldn't let it go. She knew better and she wasn't going to keep speak down on my family for people to believe her bullshit lies. I wasn't finna let her ruin everything we built as a family. It wasn't going to happen. I shook it off deciding to go to bed.

************************

I woke up in a room sitting at a table. I was confused and disoriented. A door on the other side of the table opened and I had to blink. I couldn't believe my eyes.

"Pops" my voice shook as tears filled my eyes

"Santana" he smiled "Come here"

I got up slowly still trying to process my thoughts. Before I knew it I was in front of him. My hands shook as I reached out to touch him. I instantly fell into his arm hugging him and crying. I knew it couldn't be real but I hadn't seen my father since I was twenty-one. And the longer he held me the more real it felt.