hearts formed by solicitude and desolation

⌈ 9 ⌋

ᏞᎾᎪᎠᏆNᏩ . . . . .

ᏞᎾᎪᎠᏆNᏩ ᏟᎾᎷᏢᏞᎬᎢᎬ!

you could feel the hatred you felt for yourself burning like a flame inside of you.

as a child, it was because of the neglect from your parents, always more preoccupied on your sister than their eldest child. back then you didn't even blame them, you always thought that maybe there was something wrong with you for them to treat you the way that they did. and so you hated yourself because of it, wondering what you were doing so wrong for them to continue the abuse of their words. maybe you weren't smart enough, or responsible enough, or maybe there was just something about you that was beyond repair.

and it was because of this that every little decision made in your life was never for yourself. it was always for the sake of others, taking into consideration their feelings and what would make them the most pleased. you thought that maybe, if you could make people happy, that could prove to your parents that you weren't just good for nothing, and that people could like you regardless of your intelligence.

so hearing chishiya's request to turn down arisu, even though it made you heart feel heavy with guilt, you listened. you obliged not because of yourself but for him. and even though it was wrong, you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. maybe he wasn't lying. maybe he really did have things he needed to do, important even. but even though you told yourself that, the rational part of your brain continued to whisper the truth.

that it was all lies.

your guilt grew as you explained to the brunette the situation and still he had been kind enough to thank you and tell you not to worry about it. that they'd figure something out. but you could see the disappointment that flashed behind his eyes, and how his voice wobbled when he told you they'd find someone else.

you had been the only chance for his friend to get better, and yet you still had the audacity to leave him behind, sitting alone next to the empty apartment.

before you left however, you found the card as a token for clearing the game. the piece of paper stared back at you mockingly while in your hands, like this was really worth all the lives lost during the games. they weren't even good for anything, and the cards from each game you played were slowly piling up in your collection. still, despite knowing that, you shoved it into your pocket, wanting so desperately to believe it really wasn't all for nothing.

you found chishiya by the stairs in front of the apartment lobby, standing alone and waiting for you to join him. you heart began to ache at the sight, mainly because you felt bad for being upset with him. in the time of your relationship you always hated the moments the two of you had disagreements, and this time was no different. you let loose a soft breath of air, hoping to get rid of the feeling in your chest while giving one last look at the L shaped complex, praying that arisu would be okay before you finally walked up to him, chishiya giving you a short nod before walking down the steps. the both of you began the walk back to the beach, silent and no words exchanged between you two. you didn't feel like talking, your mind too preoccupied on arisu and the guilt continuing to churn in your stomach. you wanted to go back, maybe even leave chishiya without saying anything. but you didn't, and you hated yourself even more because of that.

"you're upset." chishiya stated, giving you a glance.

you would be lying if you said you weren't. even though you somewhat knew why chishiya wasn't willing to help, you still felt that you owed arisu something for clearing the game while all you did was sit back and watch. it didn't feel right, and not just because of the game, but because he seemed like a genuine person, and you thought that you'd always be willing to help other people.