Dear Elizabeth

Monsters: Just Maybe

Mom,

It's been months since I last heard from you,

I won't completely blame you because I have also chosen not to speak to you,

I know I should walk away from the past,

But it's too hard,

Especially when you're so heavily involved,

A couple of days ago, I asked a dear friend what her favorite memories as a child were,

And I remembered immediately a memory of something we once did,

It was a cool day, and we went for a picnic at Daddy's ranch,

I had been to the ranch countless times,

I remember how I would ask Daddy to let me feed the cows,

But this time, Daddy drove past where the cows would hang around,

We went across a small hill, and across the mini country side,

I don't recall how long it took, but we finally got there,

It was such a beautiful place,

We were on a small hill, which ended with a river,

The sky was cloudy, but not dark, not grey,

It was a very unique blue,

It's a beautiful memory I will always connect back to you,

I loved you Mom, the one who you used to be,

The one who would cook,

The one who took care of me,

The one who always wore a soft look,

I remember how you would yell at us, but my brother and I would only laugh,

I know, now I just smile because we were so bad,

I loved sleeping with you, feeling your warmth,

You made me feel safe and secure,

I miss that woman, the one I used to call "Mom",

She's disappeared, for eleven years she's been gone,

I don't know who you are, and I hate what you've become,

You're just another monster in disguise,

A monster who stole my childhood along with my Mom,

It frightens me to look in the mirror,

It scares me to see so much of you in me,

But I've learned that I am not you, whoever you are,

You have changed my life,

Every time someone tells me that they love me and that they care,

I can't help but think, "My own mother didn't, so how can they?"

For so long, I've given you such control,

But I'm tired, I am done,

So many times I've blamed myself for your absence,

Thinking that perhaps if I had done something differently,

Then you would be here, by my side,

That just maybe, if you hadn't left,

I wouldn't have appeared so vulnerable and weak,

And just maybe, the monsters would've never played with me,

Just maybe, I wouldn't be afraid to be in love and be loved back,

I wouldn't be afraid of relationships, of giving someone all my trust,

At a very young age, you changed who I was, and who I have become,

You took everything I knew, and never looked back,

But your pride can do more than I,

It always will because it always has,

This is goodbye, Mom, this is the end,

Because chance after chance,

You still walked away.

-Elizabeth