Dear Elizabeth

Believe

My dearest Elizabeth,

Before the night sky starts turning a dawn grey,

And the PM becomes AM,

There are several things that must be said,

Where was I a year ago?

Do you remember?

Remember that girl?

The one who was lost, but has been found?

The one who's always had a thing for the darkest of clouds?

I'm still here, I'm alive,

But I struggled, I was haunted by the desires which lead to suicide,

A year ago, actually, the day prior to this day,

I went to the bathroom and used a blade,

I remember the sting, the high,

How amazing it felt, not caring who I'd let down,

The next morning was a new day,

A new beginning, a new chase,

I promised myself I wouldn't give in anymore,

I wouldn't allow the monsters continue to have this control,

I was a victim, but now I'm a survivor,

I was a victim to them, and sadly, to myself,

Now, I've almost made it out of this mental hell,

I believe,

I believe in myself and who I am,

But I still have the need to grieve,

Who?

The girl who died,

The girl with the bouncy curls,

Whose pictures now bring memories that almost make me hurl,

She passed away those days,

The days when the molestation began,

Because they stole my innocence and my childhood,

They took advantage of where I stood,

But today, today I celebrate my life,

My well-being,

Though not completely, but still,

A year is an amazing accomplishment for someone like me,

Someone who would cut more than eighteen times a week,

I know I had those same old urges some days ago,

But I didn't give in, I didn't succumb,

I'd come too far to stop just days prior to this important date,

This date will be passed on,

To those who I love and to the children some day I may carry in my womb,

They will know that their mother was once a victim, of course,

Then she became a survivor, she learned to trust,

And if later on, for unknown reasons,

I take a turn for the worst,

I believe that you will know,

And you will let my loved ones and kids read this small memoir,

Because I am me, and was,

As I wrote these letters and write.

Love,

- a relieved heart 7/31/14