Zindagi Gulzar hai - Life is a Flower Garden

18 April - Zaroon

I  don't know why all my days are the same, full of frustration and depression.

Today again, my day went really bad and once again she was the reason to it. She had come to the college for the first time after that incident. We were standing on the stairs to the department when we saw her. She kept her head down and walked past us quietly.

Sir Abrar had talked to me about that incident the very next day to when it happened. I had told him that she called me immoral but he refused to believe she would say that without any reason. I told him to ask her himself when she comes and today he called her to his office. I was scared that she would tell him the complete truth, but the way she talked.....made me even more scared. She told him everything without telling him anything. The moment she left, Sir Abrar turned to me. 

"What did you say to her that made her call you immoral?"

"Sir, I didn't say anything to her, she's under the wrong impression." I thought lying was absolutely necessary.

"I know you very well. No girl could say something like that without any reason, especially a girl like Kashaf! She is definitely not wrong. You must have said something to her." His tone was hard.

"Yes. I did remark some things about her but not in front of her. I didn't even start it." I tried hard to clear my position.

"What remarks?"

Sir Abrar's tone did not change at all and I thought my words weren't so great to be repeated.

"Sir, it isn't compulsory that when we talk about someone behind their backs, the words have to be true.  We say some things without meaning them. We say them to show off to our friends but we don't really mean those words to hurt someone."

I decided to cushion the words I was about to say with a few lies and started telling him everything.

"Yes and this is probably a part of the rest of your crap. You never had the courage to tell anything truthfully." I wasn't able to lift my head at his words.

"Then why did you dislike the word immoral for you personality? After all that crap, what did you expect, words of respect and praise? I had thought that your affairs were limited to girls who come to college for only this purpose, but I never would have thought that you could act so low. You slapped her, she should have been the one to slap you. You have forgotten how to respect a woman. You talk like this among your friends, you should die of shame." Every word was increasing the load of embarrassment on my head.

"Now get lost. I don't want to see your face again." I stood up from my chair and knelt in front of him. 

"I am sorry. I know I have made a mistake but this has been my first one. Please give me another chance."

"You have embarrassed me to such an extent that I can not put it in words. I didn't think about talking to you about your affairs because never did a bad word reach me and you never showed carelessness in your studies. But you have broken my trust. I have always treated you like my own son and that is why this hurts me even more. If there was another in your place, I would never have talked to him about his but you are different. What good will apologizing to me do? You should apologize to the one you have tried to destroy." His last sentence stopped my breathing, which had just started to recover.

"Sir, is this necessary?" I asked him in a forlorn voice.

"Extremely necessary." His tone turned hard again and I was forced to consent. But now I am thinking, how can I apologize to the person I hate?

How will I say that I regret what I have done, when I haven't in the least? What did all that scene give me? I wasn't able to flirt with her and ruining her image in front of Sir Abrar, ruined my own too. I have been destroyed. One thing's certain, I will never forgive her. Every passing day is increasing my hate for her. Maybe I should never have given her so much importance. I have wasted my time and this revelation has come a bit too late.