Zindagi Gulzar hai - Life is a Flower Garden

18 April - Kashaf

Today I went to college after one full week. I didn't have enough courage to go directly after that day. I wasn't able to update my diary in the whole week. What was there to write anyway? Only tears. A week earlier I had thought that I had become strong, but that is not true. That day I was angry and shocked but when I finally understood what had happened, I couldn't stop myself from crying.

I went to the roof of the hostel and contemplated throwing myself down. The idea of thought appealed to me. But I wasn't able to do it. The faces of many wrapped around my feet and wouldn't allow me to move. The faces of my parents, my siblings, their hopes, their dreams, their voices, froze me in my steps. I had no right to crush their dreams. Then I sat down and cried. I didn't do anything else in those seven days. Everything had finished. I had to gather up my pieces again. I had to live.

And today I forced myself to go to college. Going towards the department, I saw Zaroon's group. They were talking loudly and laughing. I was a little distance away and for the first time, I felt as if my hands and feet were shaking. I had to pass them to enter the class and my face was beaded with sweat. For a moment I considered running away but for how long could I hide? I had to face them sooner or later.

I quietly walked past them. After seeing me, they too became quiet and this silence followed me to class. The welcome I received showed me that everyone knew what had happened in the library. Of course they would have found out. I just hoped that none of the teachers asked me about it and everything went like normal. The teachers asked about my absence but said nothing more. Sir Abrar, however, asked, "Where were you all these days?"

I don't know if it was just me or if he was really speaking in a hard tone.  "I had some work to do, sir." I repeated the sentence which I had been reciting to every teacher since morning.

"What work?"

"I had to make some notes, sir." I told another lie.

"You and Zaroon are coming to my office after this period."

He had said the thing I was most dreading. After attending the next two classes I went into his office. Zaroon was already present. Sir Abrar looked at me and then pointed to the vacant chair in front of his desk.

"Come Kashaf, sit here." I quietly went and sat down.

"What happened in the library that day?" He didn't beat around the bush and went straight to the topic.

"What day, sir?" I feigned innocence. I had to try at least.

"The day after which you stopped coming to college." His tone was quite harsh now. 

"Nothing happened, sir." I could see the surprise on his face. He probably expected some other answer from me. 

"If nothing happened, then why did he find the need to slap you?"

"You should ask this question from the one who slapped me."

He observed me for some time and then turned to Zaroon.

"Why did you hit her?"

"She called me immoral and after hearing that I very well couldn't present her with a medal."

"Now you tell me why you said such a thing." The tone of his voice made me hurt. "I said it to him because he is an immoral person."

"Do you come here to study or judge the characters of others? Who has given you the right to criticize other people? What if he was the one who said it to you? You should be ashamed of yourself." He burst out.

"I do not regret what I have said. I will say it once again that he is a bad person." I didn't care about his anger anymore and said what I had to say.

"I regret havinng you as one of my students. It seems as if I was wrong about you. You have no manners about how to talk to your teachers. I had thought that Zaroon was the one at fault and he should apologize but now I know that you are the one who needs to apologize. I had thought you belonged to a respectable family and you had good upbringing but it seems that I was completely wrong."

"Thank you for all these praises. I know I do not have a good upbringing because my family does not have much money. His family has money therefore he has proper manners. You know him very well. You also know how immoral he is. Have you ever talked to him about his affairs? Today you ask me why I have called him a bad person. All this would never have happened if I had included myself in the girls who follow him around. Everything would have been perfect then. My fault however, was that I refused to let him flirt with me and I do not regret my decision at all. You won't have to bear me for very long, only a few months are left. As far as this person is related, he has neither any importance nor any respect, near me. If I was as low in my conduct as him, I would have used a worse word for him."

Then without waiting for his reaction, I stood up and walked out. Why should I keep trying to prove my innocence when I am not even at fault? If he wants to think bad of me then let him. When I don't have any value in front of Allah then what use is it to be great in the sight of the world?