Thorns Of The Past.

Thoughts, Memories, Guilt.

Always know who you are, always know what you deserve, always admit your mistakes, always be brave enough to face the past and build a new future.

~ too early next morning, Blue River Pack, hospital~

Hayley's pov

I smile when my half open eyes meet his widely open and he places his big left hand on my cheek and caresses it gently, so gently that his touch feels like a feather.

Haven purrs from his affection and I close my eyes again. The light is quite bright and I need time to get used to it, I just woke up and everything is sore and I can't bear his worried expression.

I thought he would be better today, but I was wrong and I feel embarrassed...

Everything is my fault and I feel awful. Things shouldn't have happened in this way and now they all know, I got humiliated and I don't know how I am going to face them from now on, especially my dad.

Although we had a short talk last night and he said he is not mad at me, but hurt and disappointed with his own self for not understanding anything earlier and extremely outraged with the entire pack, I don't feel alright, I blame only me. I realize that I should have talked to someone, because things crossed the limits yesterday and it was something awful.

I mean... Three people died, one is going to die slowly, the pack is punished and my dad isn't done yet, because he is planning to go to my school, humiliate the principal and then go to those five kids' packs to continue with them. I feel so fucking horribly I am the reason for so much pain and death that...

"They don't deserve your sympathy, Hayley! Stop accusing yourself and being so kind with those who don't deserve it." Haven states frustrated and I groan nervously, defeated and tired.

The truth is we have made this conversation already twice since last night when I woke up from her loud howls. I don't want to repeat it, because I know for sure we won't agree and I don't want us to fight from now on.

And now that I mentioned Haven, I guess I have to explain what very weird happens these last ten hours, because I swear I can't believe it, it's too good to be true, or I have lost my mind completely. So, Haven and I are 'perfectly', I mean as perfectly as we can be when we disagree in almost everything. She is way too kind with me, she hasn't offended me yet, she has softened a lot, and I talk to her like nothing bad has ever happened between us.

I have absolutely no clue about what happened or how we got at this point, not that she knows (at least that's what she told me), but I think we now have the normal and healthy relationship, the one every human and his wolf have. It's relieving, I won't lie. I feel like a weight has left from my heart, because fighting with Haven almost all the time, standing her insults, or ignoring and blocking her was very painful for me, I didn't like it. I am glad we get closer, she has stopped blaming me, she supports me and tries to put some mind in my brain, because I admit I am too kind and this never helped me. She is right, sometimes I have to stop excusing everyone around just because I am what is left from Michelle.

I am not like her, I will never become like her, I decided nothing from what she did and I won't accept from anyone to treat me like I am shit again, I won't allow it, I had enough already. I know who I am, I will start believing in me and my insane wolf, and everything will be fine.

I know what I say now doesn't match with what I said before about my abusers, I mean I feel sorry for them and at the same time I say I don't deserve it, but my feelings are mixed. It is just painful for me to know people lost their lives because of me, even though they somehow caused it. I tried to talk with my dad and aunt about it yesterday, because that was the first 'talk' we had, but he denied changing his mind, he was very firm.