A Life To Remember

Chapter 20

The rest of the day at work sucked big time. He wouldn't talk to me, he wouldn't look at me. The only conversation we did was when Kate called from the Maldives Islands and asked me to speak with him. Actually i told him "It's Kate." and he without even looking at me said "Thank's." That's all.

And it hurts. It hurts like a motherfucker. But what can i do? Yes, i have lived and i have get passed who i was, and i have expirianced some serious stuff with him and it's been what? Three? Four days? Five? I don't know, i've lost track. 

But i have to be realistic. Where will this lead me? No where. Into a black hole, repeating and shuffling the same conversation. "Will you divorce?" "I can't and i won't." Again and again into replay. I like him. I am connected to him in some weird supernatural way, but he is not mine. He has made this pretty clear. I don't want to be the Mistress for the rest of my life. And yes, i know that the term <<the rest of my life.>> is pretty heavy and serious, but with him i feel i can devote. I can love. Too bad he can't do the same.

"Look, i can't go home because we said it was a business trip that will last for at least a week so.. I wonder if i can go back to your place....to get ready...?" my insecurity was palpable. My voice trembling. What if he say no?

He licked his lips, not looking at me. His jaw stiffen. "Where else would you go?" his voice almost a whisper.

"I don't have anywhere to go, for at least seven days. I am so sorry."

"Don't be. I expected that. I knew it would happen. Better now than later." he turns to look at me, with a sad look on his face like some one died. No, i can't look at him like that. He is strong, powerful. Now he looks like a puppy.

"Don't do this to us." i quote him, lowering my eyes, playing nervously with my fingers. I feel the wind  moving around me, and in seconds, here he is right in front of me. He places his both hands softly in each side of my face. Not speaking. Just staring at me. His eyes to my eyes, my lips, to my eyes again. "It don't have to be that way. We are not serious. I mean steady.. you know. We are just a <<thing>>."

"What we had was----"

"Shut up! No! Don't!" i interrupt him. "Do you like me? Do you want me?" i ask him serious. Tears threaten to escape my eyes. He nods as a yes. "You have your wife. I am pretty sure that since today, i will have Anton. I share you, you will share me."

"I don't believe that you would do that to your Anton." he tilts his head, smiling a sincere smile. And he is right once again. No i wouldn't do that to Anton. Why treat him like this? He has done nothing wrong. It's my fault i am all caught up in this fucked up situation.

"You are right." i admit and i step back from his hands. His arms drop to his side like their muscles are numb. "Will you divorce your wife?" i ask again, my eyes on my feet, ready to go, because i already know the answer.

"No." 

I nod at him, smiling a farewell smile, my eyes dangerously watery. It's not like some one died. I will see him again tomorrow. I will see him at his house. But this time he will be just my boss. I will be just a guest to his house.

Keith is outside smoking a smoke in the cold. I am almost running outside of the building, tears running down my cheeks. He sees me and immidiatrly gets in the drivers seat. He looks worried. I hop in the back and i shut the door with all my power.

"Are you...--"

"Just go home Keith." i interrupt him, my voice cracking up.

How am i going to meet Anton in that mood? Why do i even feel this way? This isn't right. I knew from the first time our lips touched that there is something wrong with him, with me. I am not the kind of girl who just go ahead and makes out with a stranger. Who is the third person in a marriage. Who fucks her boss in the office. In fact.. Who am i?

My cloudy mind didn't notice that we had already arrived and that Keith was just waiting, the engine shut down, and just waiting for me to get out.

"Sorry..." i mumble and i run out of the car.

I go straight to my room. The room he made for me. Oh this is going to be hard. Jesus. But i have no time, i have to get a bath, get dressed and go back to work to be picked up by Anton.

The bath was refreshing but the hot water was not enough to wash out my sadness. I picked an ice blue casual dress and that was it. I wore the same pip-toe black heels.. I tried to hide my sorrow behind make-up but no matter how much eye pencil and eye line i applied to my eyes, they still wouldn't shine. No matter how much lipstick i applied, my lips wouldn't smile.

 After about an hour i was ready and out again giving Keith the order to drive me back. He parked in front of the building and  I just waited inside the car to see Anton. It was so cold to wait outside. After about 15 minutes a silver Audi TT arrived and parked behind us. Time was going by and Anton is no where to be seen.

"Maybe your date is in that Audi Miss." Keith said and my eyes popped out. First because Damn! He is right and second because Timothy informed him.. I swallow hard and nodding him i step out of the car. 

The cold breeze make me shiver. I button my coat farther up to my neck  on my way to the silver Audi. The windows are tint black and it's hard to look inside. I knock on the window glass at the door of the drivers seat. The glass rolls down slowly, excruciating.

And here he is. His long hair tied up in a bun. His green eyes shining like the sun i once knew. His full lips drown up into a smile. His skin in the color of brown sugar looked so soft like a baby's butt. Black earnings in both of his ears like those i gave him as a present for his birthday before he left. I narrow my eyes, taking a closer look. Oh! These ARE the earings i bought him! On his neck a black neckless..It looks like a thin rope. He wears a white long sleeve t-shirt and a black vest. I lower my eyes and i see that he is wearing jeans. Am i too formal?

He opens his mouth into a wide O. I smile at him, tears running down my cheeks. Oh Anton.. My Anton..Without talking i step inside the car in the front passenger seat. I close the door and i look at him shocked. Not believing that he is actually here.

And before i even try to form a thought his lips crash mine. I let a sigh of relief in his mouth. He sighs too as an answer. He rises his hands and he caresses my cheeks while kissing me.

"I missed you so much baby." he breaths in my mouth. I drop back and hold his face in my hands. His beloved face. Tears running down my cheeks.

"Where have you been?" i ask him, my voice a whisper, drowned in my tears. I smile to him a sad smile, a happy smile, an i-fucking-missed-you-where-the-fuck-did-you-go smile. My feelings don't even know what they are doing!

He fists his hand in my curls pulling me to him again, kissing me again. His tongue hugging mine like a snake. His kiss telling me the secrets he was holding from me all this time. 

"I don't know." he answers my question and  and he pulls back, hiding his face in the curve of my neck. "I am here now. I am here. I am sorry. I am so sorry." he whispers and kisses my neck a thousand times.

I rise my numb hand and with shaky fingers i undo his bun and his long brown hair drop to his shoulders. I start playing with his silk soft hair. I can't help the feeling that we are being watched. And i am right. We are being watched. Timothy stares at the black tint car windows but there is no way he can see us through. My heart starts pounding hard in my chest i think it might stop beating in seconds.

"Let's get out of here." i say to Anton while pulling back from his embrace. He nods at me smiling and with a pretty cool maneuver we are out of the parking lot.