Thoughts and Things

Not quite myself anymore

I'm not myself,

or at least, 

I'm not who I used to be.

I used to be proud of that,

I used to be proud of myself for changing,

but now...

I don't know what to feel.

I just shove everything down, down, down,

until I can't feel anything.

It works, doesn't it?

Well, no.

I'm not myself,

but for once,

I miss the person I was.

I'm quiet, I know it,

I don't always share my feelings,

but now it all feels worse,

closed in, claustrophobic.

I'm trapped in my own body,

my own awkward, skinny, imperfect body

with my loud, angry thoughts

and a heart that keeps pumping poison through my veins.

My mouth is so dry that no words will come out even if I wanted them to.

I am trapped here.

I feel like a hermit,

hardly ever leaving the house except when I have to,

and I tell myself I like it

but I still feel a twinge of sadness when I think about other people

and their plans.

Some people tell me to make plans,

but I'm always too tired

or too scared.

I don't get upset about losing my phone anymore,

and it took me a long time to figure out why.

My phone is important, it has all of my music, all of my phone numbers,

how could I not care anymore-

then it hit me.

I don't mind losing my phone anymore

because I hardly use it.

My phone doesn't buzz every few minutes.

I'm lucky if it buzzes once a day,

and even then it's almost always from a family member.

I stopped using it for so long

that everyone else has either given up

or they've forgotten me.

I don't stay up texting

because there's no one to talk to anyway.

I hate the people around me for ignoring me

but I hate myself more for shoving them away.