The Unattainable (The Foreplay to Forgiveness)

Chapter 23 - Cold-Blooded

“What do you want for Christmas?”

We were lying on the grass under the tree, looking and pointing at the different shapes of clouds.

“Hmmm..I would like to have my own car, but I know you can’t afford it so I’ll just settle for a book. Just one book.”

“Ouch,” Xander dramatically said, grimacing. “You’re not even in your legal age to drive, babe.”

“That’s ok, I have you. You can be my driver. We’ll share it, anyway.” I giggled at my own joke.

“Are we going to share a house too?”

“That depends.”

“Depends on what?”

A grin broke into my face. “Depends if we get married.”

He tickled my ear with a grass leaf. “Aw. Is that an offer, babe?”

“You wish! I was just answering your question. Who knows I’ll probably meet another guy in college and get another driver, you know.”

Xander was instantly above me, imprisoning my arms in his hand and pinning my body with his on the ground. “Is that so? In that case, I’ll attend to the same college school you’ll go so no one is going to steal you.”

I looked into his eyes adoringly and licked my lips. “Just promise me you won’t leave me, Xands. You have me forever.”

His gaze was on my lips. “I promise you, babe, I won’t leave you. And someday, give me enough time; you will get your car.” He leaned in and we kissed.

I sat up in bed, heart hammering in my chest and profusely sweating from the dream. The airconditioner had somehow turned off in the middle of my sleep, and the room suddenly felt hot even in the midst of autumn weather.

I stumbled away from my messed up sheets and slipped on my slippers. The dream had left my mouth dry. God, the emotions had come back running again. I needed to drink.

I got out of my bedroom and padded softly downstairs. The wall clock says it’s three twenty-four in the morning. I strode to the kitchen and didn’t bother to switch on the lights. I was always comfortable in the dark. I was facing the windows, pouring a glass of cold water from the pitcher when something outside the lawn caught my eye.

After the dream, seeing him again in flesh wasn’t a surprise anymore. But what creeped me out was the thought that he was standing there, outside my house at three in the morning, looking and watching at my bedroom window. Shit. How long was he standing there? Mom sent him home much earlier than Aunt Gracie and Uncle Tommy before midnight.

After gulping the contents of my glass, I slammed the empty glass on the table harder than I intended to do, and then I stormed towards the front door.

Xander appeared surprised when he saw me at the door, but only for a moment. He lifted a cigarette to his mouth, blew out a smoke as his eyes stayed fixed on me. Suddenly, my eyes were stinging, my ears beating, my head was pounding and my heart…I couldn’t describe what was going on inside my chest. The dream. All I remember was right now was his promise. My heart felt like it was breaking.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt it harden. Everything I’d been hiding and avoiding for years came rushing to the surface. It was raw, as if it had happened just yesterday. I was furious.

I climbed down the porch, took a few strides until I stood a few inches away from him. Then without warning, after summoning all my courage and hate, I slapped him hard across his face.

“How dare you!” I shouted. “How dare you!”

Clearly caught off guard, his head stayed bent sideways for a moment. He rubbed his cheek and then slowly looked at me.

“How could you just walk away like that?” I demanded. “After everything we were to each other? Why would you do that to me?”

“It was intentional. I wanted you out of my life.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Well, you got what you wanted, so now I wish you’d just leave me alone!” I turned around quickly to get away from him, but he caught my arm.

“Let me finish!” he yelled. “I was protecting you from me!”

I wanted to laugh. “So you’re saying that you tried to avoid hurting me by hurting me?”

“I am a mess, Addie!” he cried. “You saw that, everyone saw that I’m slowly destroying myself. I need you out of my life because I couldn’t put you through that mess! It wasn’t healthy for you, anymore.”

I ripped out from his grip and took a step back. “You know I never believed that. I promised to stay beside you. I promised to help you out.”

“I know, babe,” he said, his voice had softened significantly. “That’s why I came back. I want us to start over. I have always thought about you constantly since the day I left. I’m sorry.”

I took another step back, not wanting to hear his incredulous apology. “It’s too late, Xander. You’ve ruined my love for you.”

He stared at me, saying nothing.

“You know what?” I said in a strong voice. “I used to care about you, until I realized how pathetic I was to be crying over someone who simply didn’t care. You hurt me, you made me feel like I was worthless, stupid, and unimportant. I let you get to me. I let you control me. But I’m finally moving on. Although, you did teach me one thing: to never hold on to someone who isn’t holding on to you. As for me, I know better, as for you, you lost a person who actually cared for you.”

“Christ, Addie,” Xander groaned, shaking his head in frustration. “I apologize, okay? Can we just forget the past? What matters is I’m back. Stop being bitchy, it doesn’t suit you.”

My eyes widened at his choice of word. “I’m not a bitch! It just pisses you off that I can see through your bullshit and lies.”

“Stop. I know that you don’t mean anything you said.”

My nails dug into my palms. Anger, confusion, and frustration swirled in my gut.

“Forgive me. Let’s start all over again.” He reached for me and I jerked away. But he didn’t stop anyway, until he caught me in his arms. “I still love you,” he said, planting a kiss on my cheek. I was frozen. He held my face in his hand.

“Come with me. Let’s get away from here.”

I was taken aback of his suggestion. I wriggled away from his grasp. “You’re out of your mind.”

Xander didn’t loosen his grip. He tightened it instead, until both my arm hurts. I started to panic. “I owned you for years. Why the hell are you denying me now?” Then he did the unthinkable. He kissed me forcibly, right in front of my house.

A blinding light illuminated us and thankfully it made Xander stop what he was doing, but he didn’t let me go. There was a car, running straight to us, its tires making a screeching sound as it halted abruptly. The driver was fast; he yanked the door opened and shut it close with a loud, angry bang.

My heart was in my throat, my lips were bruised. I heard Xander mutter, “Fuck.” With deliberate slowness, he let me go.

“Good, boy,” the driver said, referring to Xander’s move of letting go of my arms. “Now,  you’re either going to step aside and get the hell away from here, or stay and I'll beat the living daylights out of you. You choose.”

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