My friend I'm tired and I've been sitting at this desk not knowing what to write? Do you know how that feels? I am tired and I don't know how to deal with it. I cried for the first time since my grandfathers death and I feel lost. With exactly one week clean I ask myself the same question every God damn day. Is it worth it anymore?
I still have the little pin tucked away in my drawer I could grab it and slide it across my skin just a couple more times. It wont hurt. My friend remember when I told you I was leaving? I'm leaving again. I have nothing more to say to the people who play a part in my life. There's no point.
To my mother who says I don't have a father figure. I do have one and he's a great father he's better then the one you think I had. Mom did you ever think about my feelings? I know that when you see this you'll be asking yourself a familiar question which is "why is it written in past tense?" It's written like this because by the time you're reading this I will be gone, my feelings will be like the petals of a dead flower withered and useless. My mind will be completely blank, it will blend in with the room tucked away in the corner of the house, black and boring. My heart will be down with locks covering each and every corner. Mom I loved you, I swear when I was a little girl I couldn't wait to see you, but now? There is no now. You tell me how my father is a bad man and the man we have now is way better. Mom my dad loves me and he's made mistakes, he understands that. Why do you bring them up all the time? The man you have now cheated on you and calls you multiple names, a man should never call a women. Whenever I bring that up you tell me it was a mistake people make mistakes. So why do you hold them against the man you once loved? I don't know either. Mom I swear if I could tell you these things then we would have a great relationship. We don't. Instead I tell my best friend and I have to hold back tears whenever I tell her what happened or is happening. Mom our car rides are useless when you ell at me you make me feel like a piece of shit so I come back with meaner things to say. What can I say? Nothing. Everything is useless. I'm sorry? Is that what you want to hear? Well you're not going to. To a women I once knew, who I knew so much of but when things came crashing down you weren't there to listen. I had to be my own mother and hide. I close this letter as a stranger because the next time you see me I wont be me. Goodbye.
My friend there's nothing more to say here because everything that I want to say is stuck between the corners of m mouth. When I write to you again I'll try to be better but we'll see. I can't promise you something I know I'm not sure of.
My friend I love and miss you, I'll see you soon.
