My friend I don't know what to do. I could tell you about how much I want to kill myself, but that wouldn't make anything better. I remember when we were little we used to talk about our future I swear we knew what we were doing. My friend sometimes I wonder why I write to you and then I remember it makes me happy, just like you used to. I talked to your mom today and she's getting better, she told me that she ran down to the florist to get you a new bouquet because your old flowers are withered. She also told me that she got a new car because the old one reminded her to much of you.
I fell asleep at your grave the other day, my mom was worried because she didn't know where I was at. I left some of the letters I've been writing to you next to the bear he left you. I wonder if there still there. I should check.
"But I have decided that I want to recover. I don't want to think about dying anymore. I don't want to bring a metal blade to my wrist almost every week or everyday. I'm done with all of it. I want to recover. I don't want this cloud of darkness over my head. I want a rainbow. I want to be happy. I realize that it'll be a hard road to go down but I believe I can do this. I will break down every now and then during recovery but that's the whole part of it. I know I will get back up if I fall and I will try again."
On Monday I came home and I was in a good mood I was happy, My mom and her boyfriend well ex boyfriend have been fighting and I guess he just had enough and he left, he told us that he loves us and he will always care for us but we deserve better and my mother deserves somebody who truly cares about her. My friend you know how I am, I had my feelings away and I don't know how to handle anything but it's just my way of copping.
I don't know how to deal with this. I really loved the guy even though I didn't show it and it sucks but I have to realize it's for the best.
My friend I'm running out of things to write and I feel like if I stop you won't like me anymore and you'll start disliking me again. I'm bad my friend and we all know I don't stick around for long, even I know that. I just feel like if you were here with me I would do better, but even when you were with me I was worse.
I relapsed and I know I said I'll stop but I can't it's addictive and I feel like if I stop, I'll be getting better and I don't want that. I don't know what I want.
I miss you and I miss the thought of you, I miss the thought of us together. I miss us going to the amusement park and scaring all the little kids on the big rides. I miss the day's when we both pushed our sadness to the side and enjoyed our couple ours of happiness. I miss you.
My friend I miss and love you, I'll see you soon I promise.
