"The things that hurt the most aren't the things you would expect to hurt it's not waking up in the middle of the night to touch you and realizing you're not there and shaking until my bones break it's not crying myself to sleep and drowning in my own tears because your voice won't get out of my head
it's not collapsing on the ground in shallow breaths and a head spilling over with memories of you because I'm being choked by your absence and how much I miss you those things hurt too, of course but the things that really fucking kill are the little things like the list of things in my head that I can't wait to tell you later but I know they will stay locked in my chest, piling up and never come tumbling out of my mouth like they used to and it's listening to one radio station the whole car ride without your fingers hitting all the buttons and the static between each station until you find a song you can sing along to.It's the way dust is quietly settling on top of all my things because you used to clean everything all the time, you couldn't stand messes.It's the few tangles in my hair when I wake up because I've been tossing and turning in my sleep more than I ever did when you loved me. It's the slight crack in my voice on the rare occasions that you call because I'm not really sure how to talk to you anymore. // tumblr"
My friend I haven't been so well. I miss you like crazy. I puked for the first time in months. It wasn't an accident, I did it for me. I'm tired. Tired of everything. My stomach hangs over my shorts but its not even fat, it's because I wear them to much. My thighs clap together when I walk and I hate it when they start to hurt.
On Thursday the moon didn't let the sun shine. Clouds covered the sky and took over the world. I thought maybe you're just angry but then I remembered you don't control heaven. I remember listening to you sing, it always made me feel better.
102 and counting. That's how much scars I have on each arm that's 204 scars in total. I try to stop but you don't understand it hurts. I hurt.
My friend I am dreading for this year to be over. I'm so done with everybody. I need a new start. This year has been the crappiest so far and I think it's because I'm growing up and I don't know what to do with myself. This year I've learned that your friends don't stay friends even if you knew them two years before that. Your best friend will turn on you and act like she doesn't know you. Or your best friend can commit suicide and leave you alone in a depressed mood 24/7 but what kind of person would do that? Take a guess.
I think once I get a new slate I'll be fine but I pray to God very damn night and I ask him for you. I ask him how you're doing up there but I get no reply. You've been gone for almost a year now and I'm still holding a grudge over you head like there's no tomorrow.
That's my problem I don't let stuff go.
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My friend I love and miss you, I'll see you soon. I promise
