Try And Stop Me (Girlxgirl)

One

The morning air, although cold, didn’t do a thing to make me stop sweating. The harsh air couldn't ward off the demons I couldn't fight off from the night as they clung to my skin, ready to attack once more if I dared shut my eyes once more. I shook underneath the oversized sweatshirt I’d worn to bed and my hair was tickling the back of my neck. I needed a shower but the thought of going back inside terrified me to no end. I looked down at the still sleeping city and stared blankly for a moment. I knew who would be down there soon enough. Waiting to be buzzed up into the apartment I shared with my girlfriend. It would be a really hard visit, considering I hadn’t willingly spoken one word to her since senior year—about 5 years ago.

I shut my eyes and concentrated on deep breathing. I always used to love meditating, but now it makes my fingertips itch with anticipation to be moving. I used jog every morning, but usually that turned to running and running turned into sprinting and I couldn't stop until my lungs were bursting and my heart was working overtime, pumping blood to my sore extremities. I just couldn’t sit still any more. Too much had happened for that.

I opened my eyes and looked over the tops of the huge skyscrapers. The sky was grey, filled with dark, brooding clouds that looked so puffed up with water that they would release it all at any moment drenching the already damp buildings in even more water. Had it always looked like that? It's like I could sense a storm coming, but I couldn’t recall ever doing so before. Maybe if I'd had the ability to do that all those years ago I wouldn't be this way. Things would be much different than they are now.  

I walked to the edge of the terrace, where a silver ramp was running around the sides, probably for safety. I imagined climbing the ramp and standing on top of it, playing my own game of roulette, trying to balance. It wouldn't work out and I would certainly fall ten stories to my death upon the concrete below. I looked down at the ground. The streets were empty save for the occasional taxi cab and the multitude of different makes and models and brands of cars parked along the curb. This was San Francisco. So different from the little town I grew up in, but I didn’t want to think about those days. They were supposed to be long gone now. That's what everyone expected from me now. To be healed.  

“Taylor? Come back to bed, why are you outside in the cold?” I turned to see Michelle, wearing only lingerie, one lacey black bra strap hanging off of her thin shoulder. She always went for that classic look; the look that made her look elegant but also like she belonged on the cover of a dirty magazine. It worked well for her, the black contrasted well with her ivory skin and the ink that swirled and curled up her arms and waist and back only added to the supermodel thing she had going on. Even her hair—of which she had dyed fire-engine red two weeks ago—was up in a bun and her grey eyes were filled with so much emotion and so much worry I wanted to look away in shame. I caused a lot of people a lot of pain by being so messed up inside. She really did care for me, and I cared too, I just don't think it showed very often and that almost made me want to crawl back to bed just to hold her. To let her know somehow that I cared too and that I was just going through something, but that something had been going on for longer than we had been together, which has been the better part of four years.

“I’m fine. Go back to bed.” I dead panned before pulling out the case of cigarettes I had stashed away in one of the plants at my side. I took one out of its metal case and lit it. I knew she hadn’t listened to me and she hadn't gone back to bed because soon after I’d taken a few puffs, she took the cigarette from my hand and put it to her lips, looking up at me. Worry was etched into her forehead as she looked on curiously, and I looked back, getting lost in her grey eyes.

They were stormy, like the sky above our heads. That was one of the reasons it was so easy to love her, I think. She couldn’t hide her emotions and I wouldn’t want her to. She couldn’t hide anything. I hated having secrets between anyone, and she couldn’t keep one to save her life. It made things a little better than they used to be. I didn't want to repeat the worse part of my life with her. I promised myself never again, and so far, I'd stuck to that promise.