Courage Under Duress (SYTYCW)

Chapter 22

Over the next few days, I was rather impressed with my healing.  Thomas and I hadn't done much talking with regards to Dominic, rather concentrating on me getting better.  The pain from my wound was more of a dull ache.

In order to get me to stay put, Tom stayed with me, making his ranch hands do all the work.  Our days were filled with loads of laughter and sweet moments: cuddling on the couch while watching TV, cooking meals, or just plain reminiscing about our past.

My only complaint was instead of waking up in his arms, every morning, he was either out of bed or sound asleep, as far away from me as possible.  In retrospect, I knew why but I couldn't help how I felt at the unusual distance.

Thomas never told me about the nightmare he had on the night of our return.  I could tell that what he had dreamt about still haunted him.

                                                                        ***

I lay in the hammock on the back patio with a book in hand.  I hadn't been reading but the thought of doing so was present.  My mind was preoccupied with Thomas, his withdrawn behavior and me being on edge with my eyes searching the peripheries of Thomas' land.  Being outside helped with my claustrophobia but I felt exposed, thus unable to fully enjoy the fresh air.

I shut my eyes and breathed in the undertones of mint and honeysuckle that floated about in the air when a shadow blocked the sunlight.

"Can I join you?"  Thomas asked.  I opened my eyes and smiled up at him.  I made room for him.

We sat in contented silence, facing the fields and the forest off in the distance.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Sure."

I reached for his hand and studied his profile.  "Are you okay?  It's just that you seem a little distant lately.  You know that if you wanted to talk, I'm here, right?"

"I know," he mumbled and looked down but never said anything else.

"Does it have to do with that nightmare?"

"Some of it does," he said and pulled his hand from mine.  I felt deserted from his action but I understood.

"So it's not the only reason?"

"Not really," he answered.  He turned to me and looked into my eyes.

"Then what is it?" I questioned.  "Can you tell me about your nightmare?"

"It was something from my past," he began and I nodded in understanding, "but it switched into something even worse.  It was bizarre.  When I was choking you, I thought it was Dominic."

"What about the past?  Was it one of your missions?"

He nodded.  "I can't give you all of the details but I can say that it was about the last one I worked with Dominic.  That's when I questioned his integrity as a good man.  I should have stopped him.  It wasn't right, what he did," he said.  "I should have known.  I should have seen it coming."

"Seen what coming?"

"Erica, when Dom and I were on our last mission, we saw quite a bit.  I was a wreck.  It was one of my reasons for not coming back.  I mean, families were killed by local militia.  Only," he paused, took a deep breath and continued, "as much as our team was affected, Dominic didn't appear fazed in the slightest.

"Watching people put to death on a firing line, barricaded within their homes as they were set alight to burn them alive, the raping of women and some children, the beatings of men who tried to defend their families.  It was horrible.  Anyone who had seen it couldn't be right in their mind afterward.  Dominic acted as if none of it bothered him.

"One night, we received intel on where the leader of the militia was holed up.  The bastard was underground with his family.  We went in under the cover of darkness to capture him.  He was ready for us.

"My team and I split up and it became an every-man-for-himself-type scenario.  Dominic got to our target first.  I was second and what I saw made me sick to my stomach.  The leader lay dying with a knife to the chest.  His two kids were bound and gagged, watching him-"  Thomas closed his eyes and sighed.  "Dominic raped that woman, beat her senseless and all he did when I got there was get up, zip his pants, and left."

"Why wasn't Dominic reprimanded?" I asked, shocked at his revelations.  Whatever food I had ingested had begun a slow churn in my stomach.

"Because it was his word against mine and since he was ranked higher, he got off on a simple suspension," he answered.

"No more missions?"

"That and he had to see a professional to deal with what had corrupted him over there.  My guess is that he never did."  He eyed me.

"He mentioned something about a psych evaluation but you're right, he never followed through," I confirmed.  "What about the other part of your dream?"

"The woman he was raping on that mission transformed into you.  My surroundings turned into yours and Dom's home.  He was over you, hitting you as you thrashed below him.  At that point, I had vowed that if I saw him attempt what he did to that woman on someone else, I would strangle him.  I've dealt with all of my demons and it's a huge reason as to why I'm back.  There is such a thing as a breaking point in my line of work.  It wore me thin despite the continuous meetings with a professional.  I thought I was done with the nightmares but I guess finding you in that change-room, bleeding to death, jarred something loose."

I was speechless.  I reached out for his hand and squeeze it.  He didn't pull away this time.

"Is there something else?  My dream didn't seem like the only thing you wanted to talk about."

"How did you know?"

"Because you're biting that bottom lip of yours," he said and offered a sad smile.

"Oh," I paused, "Do I scare or repulse you now?"

"What?  No!" he blurted.  "What makes you think that?"

"Since that night, when I wake up, you've been gone or lying as far away from me without being on the floor.  If you want to sleep alone-"

"It's not that," he said and hugged me to him.  "I'm afraid.  I didn't want to take a chance but I'm beginning to think that you do for me what I do for you.  You chase away the restlessness of the night."

"I do?"

"Yeah."

"I get that you're still scared.  You know that I believe that you wouldn't harm me, right?  It was an accident and it was also my fault."  I sighed and looked away from him.  "I should have at least turned on the light before touching you.  Maybe you would have seen that it was me and snapped out of it."

"Don't you dare blame yourself.  You did what you thought you needed to do."

"Then don't be so hard on yourself," I rebutted.  "Now, what do you say about helping me out with dinner?"

"What were you thinking?"

"Steak on the grill?"

"Perfect."

Our talk had lifted our moods and I felt like Thomas and I were in a better place.  Still, something weighed on me and it was in the form of being impatient on discussing our plan to find Dominic.

"What's on your mind, beautiful?"  Thomas' fingers played through my hair as I leaned into him.

"Dominic," I said without thinking and heard Thomas groan.  "We're going to have to figure something out soon."

He hummed his agreement and kissed the top of my head.  "What do you say about tomorrow?"  I nodded.  "Let's just enjoy tonight."