Forcing me to surrender? Never

Chapter XV - I remember every second of it.

Chapter XV - I remember every second of it.

Jessie

It hurt to breathe, I opened my eyes and looked around. Please, don't let this be a hospital, I don't have the money for this.
"Jess, honey, how are you feeling?" I looked at the chair in the room and saw Auntie Maca sitting, waiting for my response.
"I feel like my body tried to wage war on itself" My voice was hoarse, and my throat hurt. She gave me a sad smile and stood from her seat. 
"I'll go ask for a nurse" she said.
"Auntie Maca!" I said a little louder, "I'm so sorry you had to deal with this" I said as my eyes filled with tears, she walked over to my bed and pressed her hand against my cheek.
"Jessie, sweetheart, don't apologize for something you couldn't control" she replied, sadness in her tone. "I'll be back in a minute, don't beat yourself up over this, okay?" she said before walking to the door. I sat up and saw I was still in my school uniform, that had to be a good thing. I rubbed my hand over my face, trying not to think about what happened. A few minutes later the door opened and a nurse came in, he had warm eyes and a friendly smile.
"Jessica, how are you feeling?" I was asked again.
"I'm alright all things considered" I said.
"Do you have pain anywhere? Even if it's a dull ache?" he asked.
"My throat and chest hurt a little... I didn't have a heart attack did I?" I asked my voice laced in desperation. 
"No honey, you had a panic attack. A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that occurs for no apparent reason, they trigger strong physical reactions such as shortness of breathe or rapid heart rate" he said with a smile, "Do you remember what happened?" 
"I remember every second of it" I mumbled.
"We checked your medical records, but you've never really been admitted into the hospital. Do you have asthma, or heart trouble?" he questioned. I gave him a funny look.
"No, why?" 
"We're just trying to figure out what brought this on, your not known to have an anxiety disorder, has this happened before and you didn't go to the hospital?" he asked lightly.
"No, it's never happened before" I said looking down at the sheets. "I was panicking over inner thoughts" I admitted.
"What's troubling you?" he said with a frown
"I don't really want to talk about it" I said, everything will be better by the end of the week.
"If just thinking about your problems put you in the hospital, that must make them dangerous in a way, what if talking to someone allows you to get rid of what your feeling?" he said in a calm yet strong voice. 
"My dad will be here by Saturday, I'll talk to him"
"Does your dad work out of state?"
"No, he divorced my mother and left to America when I was thirteen, this is the first time I'll see him in five years" I said with a small smile.
"That's not what's worrying you, is it connected to that?" he asked. What is worrying me?
"What time is it?"
"It's 7:43, we tried calling your house but the line is disconnected we also sent someone down but no one was there"
"Don't worry about getting my mother here, it's not like I'm going to die"
"We have to make sure she knows your here"
"Can't I just go home?" I asked.
"Were keeping you overnight, just to make sure everything's okay. I'll get you a menu and you can choose something for dinner" he said smiling.
"Thank you."

***

I was woken up by someone poking my cheek.
"You bitch, I told you not to distract me from work" Tayla said with a smirk. 
"Sorry this wasn't really on my agenda"
"Why didn't you call me? Why did no one tell me?" She asked pissed off. 
"You were working, and it's really not that big of a deal" She looked to the floor for a second and then met my eyes
"So what happened?" she asked. "My mum said you had a panic attack"
"I panicked, that's what happened. It hurt, that's for sure" I replied.
"No seriously, what were you freaking out about?" I sighed and closed my eyes.
"I'm not entirely sure, I was talking to your mum about my dad coming back and I wanted to tell her, I mean desperately wanted her to know but I couldn't find the words. How do you tell some who's known you since you were little that there's a whole other world they had no idea about. Then I realized what I was doing was more of a desperation, attention seeking thing, and I was freaking out over wanting to tell her and not wanting her idea of me to change, your mum is the closest thing I have to a role model, I couldn't take it if her opinion of me changed, I couldn't take it if she told me to leave you alone and not see you anymore. I can't lose anyone Tayla, you are literally all I have. I don't have blood related family, I can't talk to Ben about this, I can't-  I can't-" I was over whelmed with emotion and found myself sobbing uncontrollably. Tayla ripped of her Macca's cap and wrapped her arms around me, I lent on her shoulder and cried as my whole body ached. I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her tighter than imaginable. She rocked me slightly and I found myself crying harder.
"Jessie" she said, tears matching mine. She held my face between her hands, her eyes streaming.
"You have to tell someone" I shook my head a few times before sobbing against her hands 'I can't' I mouthed.
"Jessie" she said again, her voice broken and quivering. "Look at yourself, this is tearing you apart, you need to tell someone"
"I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't" I repeated over and over in a soft voice, my throat sore.
"Please Jessie, you can't live like this"
"I can't, she told me to never tell anyone" I sobbed, the weight against my chest pressing harder. My throat was so dry and aching, my head was starting to ache.
"How do you tell someone this?" I asked desperate.
"I, I don't know, but you need to get it out, I'll help you tell someone, hell I'll do all the talking if that's what it takes"
I didn't say anything, I only sobbed harder into my hands. I've lived with it for so long, and telling someone felt so damn tempting. 
"Your hoping your dad can fix everything, aren't you. Well what if he can't? What do you think he's going to do Jessie? Ask your mum to stop politely and pray she suddenly turns her life around? Even if that did happen, your still stuck feeling like this, just get it out!"
"I just want to sleep, please Tayla, let me sleep" I said.
"Do you want me to leave?" I looked up at her shaking my head
"No.."