Rewind

XXIX: Realisation

      Zeke and I keep going to places and it's always so much fun. Sam goes with us but somehow she always disappears, leaving the two of us alone. I really don't know how she does it, one minute I'm laughing with her, the next I tell Zeke something and when I focus again on Sam she's not around. Later she sends me a text with some lame excuse. By now she doesn't even bother coming up with excuses.

I don't like being the third wheel. Hehee —Sam

I don't think leaving Zeke and I alone will help me to realise my real feelings for Zeke because even when she's not around we act the same way. We are friends with or without Sam around. And I react the same way even when she's not around. My heart races every time Zeke gets closer or touches me and I find myself thinking about him even when he's not around—especially when he's not around—, my eyes always go back to him, I'm constantly aware of his presence and how close he is.

Even if Sam didn't leave us alone I would've come to the same conclusion: I fancy Zeke.

I mean, it's the most logical explanation because I'm an objective person and I've paid attention to how my body reacts to him, not the way I want to react or I think I should feel. Attraction is all physical, love and all that it's nothing but a reaction to hormones. It's all scientific, so this should be easy for me. And when I approached the issue from this perspective it was quite easy.

My body reacts to Zeke's proximity and I feel this desire to be closer, to explore new sensations with him. I don't feel like this for anyone else and I've interacted with other boys and girls. No one makes me react like this. As we hang out, I get to socialise—I'm not good, I'm still too awkward but I try—so that's helped me to make things clear in my mind.

It's Zeke.

My monoamines go crazy with all the hormones released and, let's be honest, I do like his genes. He is so handsome and I don't know why but it seems he gets more handsome every time I look at him. I read once that we do feel subconsciously attracted to the genes of the other person as the basic reason for attraction is procreation, so in a way we are looking after our offspring when we feel attracted to someone else.

So when I see the issue from this perspective, it's so easy to realise I fancy him. I really do. And now I face one of the most common things I've read in books, something that I can't grasp from a scientific point of view: taking the first step. It's all this uncertainty because I don't know if he reacts the same way I do. The most likely option is that he does, it seems we are compatible at a chemical level, but unless I carry out some experiments, I can't be sure. Do you know how hard is for a scientist to make a choice when the evidence is not solid? Let me tell you: very hard.

Even if logically I know I should tell him how I feel, I can't make myself tell him just like that. I think I'm not good with words and whatever I say won't sound romantic, it'll just sound like an observation. I think what I have to do is take action but here I face another problem: I'm so inexperienced. I've never kissed someone, or held hands or anything remotely romantic. I've just watched films and that's not enough. Theory is the foundation but practice makes the difference.

"Where did Sam go?" Zeke asks me, breaking through my thoughts and bringing me back to the present. We came to watch some skaters and see if I can try it without killing myself. We came with Sam but of course, she's nowhere to be seen.

"Uh, I dunno," I reply with a sigh. I don't even know what to tell Zeke. "I'm starting to believe she hates us."

Zeke chuckles and shakes his head. It's mid November and it's so cold so I can't see his hair moving because he's wearing a beanie, and so am I, the one he gave me two weeks ago and that, apparently, now belongs to me. We sit side by side on a bench, watching the skaters who don't seem nearly as cold as we are. I wonder if I would feel warmer if I get closer to Zeke. Maybe I should try that.