Rewind

XL: Theories

    I am not a romantic. Sex is just sex in my opinion, and it’s quite glorified by society, making it seem like a huge deal when it’s just natural. However, it does change some things, especially when it happens with your boyfriend whom you love.

I once read an article that said sex shouldn’t hurt for women. When fully and properly aroused, they shouldn’t feel pain. If it hurts, it means something is being done wrong. Even for the first time it shouldn’t hurt. However, considering the sum of the factors involved in the moment, especially in a first time, such as lack of experience, nerves, fear and anxiety, it is difficult for a woman to reach the appropriate level of arousal that would help her from feeling pain.

In my case, because I was nervous, because I was conscious and because both Zeke and I aren’t experienced partners —he’s only had sex with one other girl, that doesn’t make him a sex god— it was painful, awkward and uncomfortable at first, yet it was special. It was with Zeke and I don’t regret what I did in the slightest.

I once read that sex acts as a catalyst for the chemical reactions in our brains, making the bonding stronger between the two partners. In our case with Zeke, it happened. I do feel closer to him because we’ve shared a level of intimacy I haven’t shared with anyone else. And I think with practice it’ll become more pleasant as we both gain experience and know how to be with the other in that sense.

Sam says we look even more in love now and that we should stop before she gets indigestion or something. I told her about what happened on my birthday, sparing her the details, just that it happened, that it wasn’t exactly pleasant —especially at first— but that I did enjoyed it and that it was special. I also told my mother, reassuring her that we took all the precautions and that I was satisfied with my decisions. She was okay with that. We both agreed that Father could never know about it.

Not because Zeke and I had sex it means now we do it every chance we get. Plus, I live with my parents, he with Beth so it’s not like we get many chances either. But we’ve been together other few times and I was right, it gets better with practice, as you get to know each other better at that level.

So like that, with that new level in our relationship, time passes by, including Valentine’s Day in which day Zeke cooked for me. It was very adorable. Now we’re in mid March and I’m still struggling with an old issue: my future. I’m still unsure of what I’m pursuing. For now I keep sticking to biochemistry, but every day I grow more certain that it’s not what I really want to dedicate my life to.

I’ve taken my parents’ help and visited other faculties in the campus, even talked to other professors they know. I had the most illuminating talk with doctor Maxwell, a wonderful woman that recommended me really interesting articles to read about studies that were going on.

I’ve taken some counselling and the problem is that many things appeal to me so I can’t quite decide which is the best. Time is running out and I still haven’t made my decision, which is making me increasingly anxious.

Zeke has noticed my levels of anxiety growing so instead of suggesting more options, he’s decided to help me distract and relax.

“You’re thinking too much, it’s time to forget about your problems for a while,” he says to me grabbing my hand and leading me to the bus stop, Sam with us, of course.

“Are we going to an amusement park?” I question because last week they took me to one and turns out, I don’t have stomach for that. I threw up twice. “If that’s the case, can I suggest another activity instead? Something less… revolving, perhaps.”

“No, we’re visiting the orphanage. You haven’t gone in a while and they miss you,” Zeke informs me and I turn to look at Sam. “And of course Sam is going because she complains too much about how we leave her behind when we’re helping humanity.”