I went to school the next day to meet with the headmaster and pick up my things. When i saw Cody my heart did its usual pain dance, and i was almost glad that when i left i wouldn't have to deal with seeing him anymore. But then again, i wasn't sure if i wanted to stop seeing him. I never knew what i wanted anymore.
As i was cleaning out my locker i sensed someone approach me. In a moment i heard Alice's musical voice next to my ear.
"Leslie what are you doing? Why are you taking everything out of your locker?"
I turned around to face her and looked into her worried eyes. When i saw her face i immediately remembered the night before, and felt strangely guilty. My heart melted and i wished i didn't have to answer her.
"I'm leaving, Alice. My parents are pulling me out; I'm homeschooling for the rest of the year," I said sadly.
Her face fell and she gasped in shock. Suddenly she pulled me into a tight hug and my arms closed around her instinctively, holding her as the scent of her perfume intoxicated me.
"I can't believe it. What am i gonna do without you?" she sounded genuinely upset.
I felt yet another piece of my heart break when i heard the sadness in her voice. I was gonna miss her so much.
"I don't know... I'm really gonna miss you though."
She sighed and let me go. "Promise me you'll call me ok? Maybe we can get together to hang out."
"Definitely."
She helped my pack up the rest of the crap in my locker and we walked back through the school toward the exit. As i walked I said goodbye to my other friends, taking extra time with Hayley. She was devastated to see me go.
By the time i finished packing and saying goodbye to my friends and teachers, it was lunch. From where i stood in the foyer, I could see the senior tables set up outside the gym, where everyone else ate. Cody was sitting in his usual spot, seemingly interested in a conversation with the person next to him. He didn't appear to realize that anything was going on with me. Not that that was surprising; everyday he acted as if i didn't even exist.
As i stood there watching him, I turned some different options over in my mind. I made a split second decision and started towards him before I had time to second-guess myself. I had to talk to him one last time before i left.
As i approached he didn't see me, but his friends did. Some of them gave me pitying looks, and others just gave me strange ones. When he saw them looking up at me he turned around and saw me.
"Could i talk to you for a second?" i asked quietly.
He looked slightly mortified that i as speaking to him in front of his friends and his facial expression made me want to go crawl under a rock. I almost said nevermind, but backing out now would only make me look like more of a fool.
He got up from the table and we turned around the corner. I took a deep breath and tried to muster up some courage before i spoke.
"I just thought you might want to know that today is my last day. My parents are pulling me out and have decided to homeschool me for the last quarter."
"Oh." he looked a bit shocked and seemed like he didn't really know what to say. "Well. Good luck with that."
"And I guess I just wanted to say...I'm sorry. For everything."
I turned without another word and walked away. Almost everything in my being hoped that he would stop me, but he didn't. It was really over, and I just needed to accept that.
* * * * * * * * * * *
When I arrived at home I sat down at the computer to check my facebook before I started working. When I opened up the internet that annoying "this page cannot be displayed" message popped up. I grunted in annoyance and picked up the phone to call my dad at work and ask him what was wrong with it, but when i picked it up there was no dial tone. Confused, i walked into my kitchen to ask my mom why both our phone and internet weren't working.
"Hey mom, whats wrong with the phone? And the internet won't connect either."
She had a guilty look on her face and i became uneasy.
"Leslie, don't be too angry, but your dad and i decided last night to disconnect them. The tv's gone too."
"What?! Why? For how long?"
"I guess until we feel you're ready to have them back. I just think you need a break. And you don't need to hear about all the drama at school through facebook; that would defeat the purpose of pulling you out."
I couldn't believe it. They had literally cut me off completely from the outside world. I was a prisoner in my own house. I was gonna go insane!
I didn't know where things were gonna go from here and to be honest i was scared. Scared of so many things. Scared of such a new and unfamiliar way of edcuation for the next quarter, of being totally disconnected from the world, of my new feelings for Alice and generally of living life without Cody in it anymore. I didn't know where my life was headed, but i guess i just had to take whatever it threw at me.
4/15/10
Sometimes i feel no matter what, that every time i give my heart it breaks
They've left it barely beating and now its lying fully mauled upon the floor
I wish i could forget the things they said- i wish i could repair the damage done
But now its just a memory and the scars they left will never go away
They promise they will love you, they promise to be there
But i wish now that it never would have started- all this pain and devastation could have been avoided
The memories are destroying me- the feel of his lips on my neck, the tingle of her fingers on my skin
He broke my heart initially, tore it open and left it bleeding in my hand
All she had to do was finish the job, and now i truly know i will never be the same.
