I woke up screaming.
Wasn't it enough that i lived it once already, did i really have to go through it again?
The next thing i knew, my parents were standing over me, looking worried.
"It's ok honey, you just had a bad dream. You're fine," my dad soothed me.
"Don't worry, I'm alright," I tried to reassure them as i wiped the tears from my eyes.
Suddenly i remembered the cuts on my arm and quickly shoved it under my pillow where my parents couldn't see. Having them freak out about that was more stress than i could handle.
I got out of bed without saying another word to my frazzled-looking parents and walked into the bathroom. As soon as i saw the bloody scissors lying in plain view on the counter (what was i thinking leaving them there??) I quickly shut and locked the door. I rinsed the blades off in the sink and put the scissors back in a drawer.
I suddenly felt very stupid for what i had done last night. How was i supposed to hide my arm from everyone for however long it took for the cuts to heal? i sighed, adding one more reason to be angry with myself to the list, and turned on the water for a shower.
The hot water stung as it beat down on the open wounds but i ignored it. I dried off and got dressed in sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, extremely thankful that it was still winter and I had an excuse to cover my arms.
As i was getting dressed, i looked at the clock. It was past eight and i gelt as if i'd had a brain lapse. I was supposed to be at school.
I hurried into my parents room and asked them why they hadn't woken me up.
"Well, we heard you up last night, and when I saw you this morning you looked so exhausted. I figured it would be ok for you to go in a little late," my mom said.
"Oh," i responded, a bit surprised. "Okay. Well thanks i guess. I'll go get ready."
I threw my hair back in a ponytail and slipped on my Converses, not bothering with any makeup. What was the point in that?
I slung my backpack in the car ten minutes later and plopped down on the seat. As my mom started the engine I put my headphones in my ears and turned on Paramore.
Music was the only thing that got me through the day anymore. The only thing left that i was passionate about. Screw guys; in the end, music is your only friend.
Since i was late, i had to check into the front office when i arrived at school. I didn't like going that way because it was right next to the band room, and i tried to avoid that place as much as possible. Having to go there once a day for class was bad enough.
It took a lot of preparation for me to be okay to go to band every day. Usually it took all of lunch by myself and a few minutes in the bathroom to brace myself for the onslaught of memories and pain it brought. And of course, being the masochistic person that i am, I'd sit there and stare at Cody the whole freakin time.
I could almost handle that. But any extra time i had to spend around there was too painful. Flashbacks ran through my mind as i walked by, and fantasies began to form. I quickly pushed them back. I learned the hard way that fantasizing only made things more excruciating when you come back to reality.
My eyes lingered on the door to the band room closet and i wasn't paying attention to where i was going. The next thing i knew i had walked right into someone, and i knew immediately by the way my skin tingled and my heart ached exactly who it was.
"Sorry,"I mumbled quietly, my eyes glued to my feet.
He murmured an "its fine" and pushed past me. As i looked up, i saw what probably was the worst thing i could have wanted to see.
