"Leslie? Leslie!"
I heard my name being called and broke free of the trance that i was usually in during these weeks. It was a way for me to escape. Just space out and try not to think. I couldn't think. Because he was all i would think about. And if i did, the pain was too much for me to cope with.
I pulled my gaze from the bus window and looked beside me. Sarah was looking at me, concerned.
"Wha--what?" I said, disoriented.
"I said i have something to tell you," she said. Judging by her tone, I'm guessing she was repeating herself.
"Ok well what is it?" i asked.
"Look...I don't know how you're gonna take this, and i didn't really want to say anything... but you're my best friend and i can't keep this from you anymore."
I started to feel slightly uneasy, but i really didn't think she could say anything that would upset me. Nothing ever upset me anymore. My world had already been destroyed, anything extra didn't seem so bad.
But of course, she had to say the one thing that would, indeed, make everything a whole lot worse.
"Cody and i are sortof...a thing."
The only part of that statement that my mind registered was his name. And i only knew that my mind registered it because the familiar stab of pain rippled through my chest.
I stared at her blankly and blinked a few times. "What?"
"Ugh, don't make me repeat it, Leslie. I feel bad enough already," she whimpered.
"You have something going on with C--" i started to say his name but caught myself. I couldn't do that. "With...him?"
"Yes, Cody," she clarified.
"Don't say his name please, Sarah." I said, my eyes closed with tears at the sound of it.
"Why? He's not Lord Voldemort."
I glared at her, not amused. She fell silent.
During this silence I let what she said sink in. When i processed what those words meant i let out a moan of despair and broke into sobbing.
"Oh dangit, I knew this would happen...please don't cry Leslie.." she begged.
I just cried harder. How could she do this to me? She was supposed to be my friend!
I attempted to stand up on the moving bus and almost fell down, taking away slightly from the dramatic departure effect, and pushed past Sarah to the very back of the bus. I dared her to follow me with the look i gave her and stuck my ipod headphones in my ears. The rest of the ride i went back to staring out the window, marvelling at my misfotrune.
Of all people, i thought that Sarah might have begun to understand a fraction of the pain i'd been feeling. I thought she was my best friend. She and Hayley were the only ones i'd confided to about any of this.
And him too! That douchebag! What happened to "I'm a senior you're an eighth grader"? Sarah was younger than me for crying out loud!
I just couldn't believe they could do that to me. I groaned in agony and buried my face in my hands. What was i supposed to do? I couldn't hang out withSarah anymore now, not knowing this was going on.
But you know what? I didn't need friends. I didn't need anyone. All people do is promise they'll be there for you and turn around and stab you in the back.
With these thoughts my despair turned to bitter anger. I balled up my fists and turned on the angriest screamo song i had.
Fml.
* * * * * * * * * * *
After night fell i went on a walk. That was something i liked to do when i was depressed.
Tonight i wanted desperately as much quiet and solitude as possible. I turned and trudged into the woods. When i got deep enough so as not to be seen or heard, i fell to my knees cried out in anguish.
I called up to God to make it all go away...For someone to pop out from behind one of the trees and yell "Gotcha!" and finally reveal that this was all some sick joke.
But that didn't happen. This was all for real, and i needed to figure out some way to survive.
Its the worst feeling i have experienced. To be so in love with whom you know you can never have, to want someone with such such passion and absolute yearning yet knowing you can't have them no matter what you do.
The worst part of it was that for so many weeks following, i had to see him every day at school. I'd be at my locker getting my books out, and he'd walk by in all his flawlessness, with his beautiful green eyes and heart-stopping smile. Everything that i couldn't live without yet was forced to.
I had such a burning desire for a life with him. He's the only man i could ever see myself marrying. My longing for him was stronger than any emotion I'd ever felt. Its the kind of longing that screams out from the pit of your very soul. (yes i am dramatic).
I figured my parents would be starting to worry by now, so i slowly got up and headed back towards my house.
I walked in the door without a word to them and locked myself in my room. I collapsed on my bed, not even bothering to change or get under the covers. After about twenty minutes, i cried myself to sleep.
