CHIM - Life in the limelight SEQUEL

Prologue

I lean on the cold metal railing feeling the cold morning breeze on my makeup free face. I take a long, deep breath and enjoy the cold wind on my near bare skin as I allow myself to take a much needed and deserved breather. I take in the view from my flat that I haven’t that long moved into; looking over the edge makes a shiver ripple down my spine. Maybe it’s just the cold that I’m exposed to, I’m not quite sure and I don’t really care. Its high, only a few floors from the top. There’s not much to take in. More blocks of flats face me, tall like ugly skyscrapers puncturing the grey clouds gathered in the dull sky that seem to be getting darker by the second posing the threat of rain. I can see terraced houses along one road, all white with flaking paint and old rusty cars that are more like metal heaps of junk parked imperfectly on the curb instead of the pot holed uneven concrete road  right outside their front doors.  This is a different world to the one I was previously living in; never did I imagine I would end up here on a council estate that’s one of the worst in the areas. I shouldn’t complain, at least I have a roof over my head even if it is damp and has a slight yellow tinge to it caused by the years of smoking from the last chain smoking residents. I regret the alcohol inflicted decisions I once made, I regret ruining everything I touched for everyone around me, I regret how-

“Mummy, I don’t like this cereal!” I hear my oldest daughter who is now five years old shout before the over familiar sound of my baby’s cry. It punctures my thoughts that I can’t get back to.  I squeeze my eyes shut and I feel an uneasy gnawing in my chest. For one split second I regrettably and indecently wonder what my girls would do without me, if they could cope without their mother in their life. Would they be better off that way? Probably but once I hear the cry louden and Paisley’s voice scream for me once again I hesitantly pull myself away from the bitter cold metal to return to the small flat I can barely stand the sight of.

I thank god that my mother hasn’t seen this place I now call home. Tatted cardboard boxes are still piled on the toy cluttered floor. I can hear the sound of my trainers tear themselves from the cheap dirty grey coloured laminate that’s sticky and in desperate need of a good scrubbing. My girls are sat at the table. Normally there’s three of them including my niece when my sister gets off to university but today my assistance wasn’t needed. Paisley still isn’t dressed for school despite my earlier attempt of forcing her into her uniform. She’s sulking at me while raising her spoon in the air carelessly allowing the soggy cereal that she normally loves fall with a splat onto the dark wooden table. Her hair is even blonder then it was, longer too like blonde strips of ribbon shining under the long tube-like light stuck to the ceiling. Her hair is still un-brushed; I haven’t yet had time to scrape it up on top of her head like I normally do those mornings like todays when we are running late for school. She looks at her baby sister who slowly stops her grizzly cry from her highchair as she sees me dragging my feet towards her. She’s growing by the day, she’s walking, saying the odd word and getting up to just as much mischief as her older sister. She doesn’t look much like Paisley, her long hair flopped in front of her face is a dark blonde, almost a mousey brown. Her eyes are dark too, the ebony black pupil gets lost a it swirls with her impossible dark chocolate coloured iris’, she even has a dimple on one cheek. I know its impossible but to me she looks like Cheryl especially when they pull the same facial expressions. Alaina she’s called or often known as ‘Laney’ by the family, of course named after her mam’s late friend. Cheryl is just as much her Mam as she is Paisley’s because even as I pulled apart my ex partner’s life one thin thread at a time she promised she would support me throughout my unplanned or expected pregnancy that I refused to take the cowards way out of.

 “I won’t let another child grow up without both parents” She sincerely told me because that’s what was going to happen after Jason disappeared off into the sunset once again when the going got tough despite his half-hearted promises. So we tried to make it work for the girls’ sakes, we fought our way through a failing relationship until she finally said enough was enough and threw me out without any warning. In the back of my head I knew it would happen sooner or later im jut surprised it lasted so long, she became withdrawn. She lived in her own bubble of misery and self-pity and got worse with every day. She still demands both girls ever week but that’s the last I saw of her as my best friend has had t be the common ground between us. Cheryl is now unrecognisable both on the inside and out. She’s not the Cheryl I once knew and I have no idea how to fix that, fix her or fix ‘us’ for that matter.