Two Months Later
They say that when you give birth to a child, it's supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world. That everything stops. It's just you and them in that room. You feel joy when they look at you with their wondering eyes or when their tiny little hand grasps your finger.
I didn't find that to be true. I felt numb to it all. Maybe it was the fact that I delivered five days before my due date and everyone but Quan and Justin missed it.
My mom, Jalani and Jasmine tried to fly out as soon as I called them. They would've made it in time if it wasn't for the snowstorm that started in Philly delaying all flights.
Chris couldn't make it because he was now living in Marietta, Georgia working for a hip hop magazine. He was set to be here the day before my actual due date but I went into labor early so he too missed the birth.
That was a terrifying moment for me. Thirty seven hours spent in labor and pure hell. My blood pressure kept dropping along with the baby's heart rate doing the same. I couldn't even get an epidural so my entire lower half was on fire it felt like.
At one point, I felt like we both were going to die.
Justin was no help during all of this. He wouldn't do anything- not even hold my hand. The boy wouldn't even give me ice when my mouth got dry. He sat in the fucking corner until it was time to cut the umbilical cord.
Quan was the one who helped me the most and it shouldn't have been. He wasn't even the father.
I sighed as I thought about the past month. Thirty days that I have been a mom. They were long and hard days, sometimes I didn't know if I was coming or going.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and lay my head on them. It didn't take long for the tears to fall. For the longest I held them in because I feel that I'm too hard to just go around crying. Only because I was in my bedroom alone is why I could be crying right now.
The door creaked open and I quickly stopped my tears. I took my hands and ran them over my face in a downwards motion. I looked and saw Justin standing at the foot of my bed with our daughter, Julianna in his arms.
I didn't keep the promise of naming my child Gianni like my brother wanted. Once we saw that she was a girl, Justin was stuck on naming her Julianna. I was in no shape to argue so I let him have that- even though we spoke about the Gianni name before I even gave birth.
Julianna Marie Davis was born February 6th, 6lbs 14oz at 1:12 in the morning, changing my life forever.
"She's hungry." Justin said before handing her over.
I just looked at him.
"What?"
"You brought her in here to be fed, where's the damn bottle?" I said.
"Just breast feed her." I glared at him. "Alright, damn I'll be right back." He mumbled leaving the room.
Justin came back moments later with the bottle but it was too hot. I sat it to the side but I didn't say anything. I knew that he was learning just like I was learning.
"You have to remember not to make it so hot." I said softly after some time before testing the milk again and then giving it to Julianna.
"I didn't purposely do it."
"I know, I was just saying."
"Worry about what you do, not what I do." He snapped.
"And what do you do Justin? You know what, don't answer that. I'm feeding Julianna." I sighed and focused on my daughter who was almost to the end.
I began burping her and giggled when she let out a loud burp for her size. When I pulled her away, her eyes were closed. Julianna looked nothing like me, she was all Justin. My mom said it was because he pissed me off until the day that I had delivered.
He was still pissing me off.
I stood and carried Julianna to her room, placing her in her crib. I stared at her a moment before I closed the door and left out the room.
Justin was still sitting at the foot of my bed. I rolled my eyes because I hoped that he had left. Going into my closet I pulled a large hoodie on and stepped into some boots. I grabbed the baby monitor from my dresser along with a mild and lighter before going to my patio.
It had been a long while since I had smoked anything and I was feeling slightly stressed so yes, I was picking my habit back up.
I was halfway finished when Justin came out. I glanced at him and continued smoking. I wasn't prepared to deal with him right now and I didn't want to be around him.
I accidentally blew a cloud of smoke out when he took a seat next to me. I smirked when he started coughing.
"My bad." I smirked.
"Everything." He said making me look up at him in confusion.
Huh?"
"You wanted to know what I do. I do everything."
A laugh escaped my lips as I inhaled causing me to choke on the smoke. "What did you just say?"
He had the nerve to repeat his words.
"So you wake up at all times of the night to change diapers and feed her? Or sit up half dead because she refuses to sleep? I can't even take a full shower without having to hop out covered in soap bubbles because your child is crying. I haven't even had a chance to get a full night of sleep or to do my hair. You come over for three hours a fucking day and act like you do shit? Get the fuck outta here." I said to him becoming more angry by the second. "Bitch ass can't even change a damn diaper."
I went back in the house only to be followed.
"So you're upset that you have to do what a mother does?" He asked.
"No I'm upset that you don't do anything to help me. It's not what I do as a mother, I just need help and you haven't given me that. Not while I was pregnant and definitely not now."
"I know it's not what you do as a mother because clearly no one has shown you how to do that." He mumbled.
"What the fuck did you just say?"
He stood there a minute, looking away and then back at me. "You don't know how to be a mom, nobody showed you that. You're just like your mom, you don't give a damn about anything unless it benefits you and you make every situation about you. You don't even care about Julianna, I see how you look at her. Don't act like you care so much."
I didn't even bother to respond. I was tired of him acting like he's parent of the year. We've been doing this together for a month and to be honest I wished we weren't doing it at all.
Oh how I wish I could take that night we had together back. I wouldn't have to see his stupid ass.
"Get out." I said.
"What? Why?"
"I don't want you here so get out." He stood there unmoved until I got in his space and began pushing him to the door. "Don't even bother coming back here. I hate you, Justin! Like you're so much better than me. You look down on people and try to make them feel bad." I slammed the door in his face and looked down to see his shoes by the door.
I opened the door and picked them up to throw them outside, hoping that he got hit by one.
I let out a scream of frustration and slid my body down to the floor. I was so over this shit.
