You're the One

chapter 13

chapter 13 

"Hold on a second." I breathed out and Luke looked up at me from sucking on my collar bones. There were water droplets on his eyelashes and his usual quiff was flattened down on his forehead, the normally dirty blonde hair now practically black. 

"You okay?" he asked, furrowing his eyebrows. I shook my head 'no' a little and leaned my forehead on his wet, freckled shoulder. "Hey," Luke said quietly and I looked up to be met by his concerned gaze. "We don't have to do anything." 

I let out a relieved sigh and nodded, giving him a small smile. It's not that I didn't want to have sex but I felt awful. The medicine that the doctor gave me was making my stomach churn and I felt really light headed. The hot water stung my stitched up cuts and I just felt plain uncomfortable. Luke loosened his grip on my thighs and I steadied myself on the wet tile floor. 

"Sorry," I let out a breath and fumbled with my fingers. "I just don't feel well and this has been a messed up few days and-" Luke cut me off. 

"It's fine. I'm fine with whatever you wanna do." He smiled at me and I looked up at him, trying to read if he was being serious or not. His face showed no sign of joking what so ever so I smiled a little. 

"Thanks." I mumbled and Luke just wrapped his arms around my waist, tugging me close to his warm body.

I let out a content sigh and rested the side of my head on his chest before wrapping my arms around his torso. Luke tightened his grip on me and ran his fingers through my wet hair, calming me down a little. I still felt horrible but he was making this whole thing a little better. 

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"Sam?" I craned my neck to look up at Luke who was playing with my hair as we layed in his bed. We had come over to his small house because he needed some clothes and we ended up just laying down so here we are. "Why'd you do it?" His voice was below a whisper to where I could barely hear him. His gaze was fixed on the white ceiling and I could have sworn I saw a tear in his eye.

"Do what?" I asked, laying my head back down on his chest and tapping my fingers on his shirt. I knew exactly what he was asking about but I didn't really want to have this conversation. 

"You know what I mean." Luke whispered and I sighed, knowing that I would have to talk to him about it eventually. 

"I, um, I used to hurt myself." I slowly began to explain, feeling Luke tense up underneath me. I sat up and criss-crossed my legs, looking down at my fumbling hands. 

"When I was fourteen my parents passed away and I went to an orphanage. I would cry all the time and it felt like there was no one there for me. Nobody at the home liked me, I was the shy, new girl who wouldn't talk to anyone." I felt my eyes water and I cleared my throat, not daring to look at Luke. 

"When I was seventeen I started to cut myself. I had done it a few times when my parents died but it got really bad this time. I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety but then I became bulimic. It was just bad all around. The lady in charge of the orphanage, Rhonda, was constantly having to take me to the hospital because I had cut too deep or swallowed too many pills or thrown up too much to where I was almost to the point of going unconscious." I wiped a tear that had fallen and pulled my knees up to my chest.

"I finally pulled myself together after going to a rehab center on the other side of town. I gained some weight to where I was healthy but I still was depressed, I still have to take anti-depressents. Just seeing my best friend lying on the crosswalk with a white sheet over her, literally killed me inside. It's like I want her to still be here but I know she's not." I choked back a sob and took a deep breath.

"Hey, it's okay." Luke tried to comfort me and I shook my head. 

"It's not okay, she's gone." I felt tears trickle down my face. "My best friend is dead." I whispered. Saying it out loud made this whole thing so much more real, not any less painful though. "I'm never going to see her again or hang out with her or-" A sob ripped its way out of my throat and I put a hand to my mouth, trying to stop crying. I hated crying in front of people. 

Luke sat up and pulled me into his arms and I bawled my eyes out. He put his chin on top of my head and I gripped the black All Time Low shirt in my shaky hands. I squeezed my eyes shut and he held me tighter. Luke adjusted us so that I was on his lap and I cried into his chest. The room was silent, except for my gut wrenching cries, and I could barely breath. 

After a while, my cries ceased and Luke still kept quiet. I looked up and there were dark stains on his shirt from my tears and I giggled a little. Luke looked down at me and a crooked smile formed on his face. I wiped underneath my eyes and he loosened his grip on me. 

"Sorry about your shirt." I mumbled and he laughed. 

"I can always get a new one." He said and paused for a second before talking again. "I want to show you something."