Answer To My Life

o n e

  I hear the soft ding of my phone, and I immediately check the notification I've received, smiling when I realize that it's a message from her.

seaofhearts | 9:18 pm
are u still awake?

daylightful | 9:19 pm
haha, do u not know me?

seaofhearts | 9:19 pm
just checking ;)

Her messages bring about butterflies in my stomach, and it's hard to contain the excitement that I feel toward her talking to me. We've been talking on Tumblr for over a year but the feelings never go away.

  Is it strange that I've become infatuated with her?

I can't help it how her messages can be the sun in my rainy days. She's like a surge of positivity and she makes me feel more than anyone I know in real life.

daylightful | 9:22 pm
what's up?

seaofhearts | 9:23 pm
i just wanted to tell you that i thought about what you said. and i think you're right. i can confirm that yes, i do go to the same high school as you.

  I feel shocked with this information because truly, I never actually expected that the girl I've been talking to online goes to my school. I had asked her about it before and it had taken weeks for her to finally tell me but now that she's told me, I don't know what I should say.

  What if we've met? What if we already know each other? What if she's the girl I accidentally tripped that one time in class? 

  daylightful | 9:27 pm
that's great !!

seaofhearts | 9:29 pm
yeah.. it is. i want to add though that i'm still not ready to tell you who i am though.

  I immediately feel disappointed because I've been waiting for the moment that I get to meet her and it looks like it still won't be happening any time soon. I constantly get hopeful, just to be shot down at every attempt to find out more about her.

daylightful | 9:31 pm
it's been over a year though

seaofhearts | 9:31 pm
yeah, i know. i'm just not ready.

daylightful | 9:32 pm
can i at least know your name?

seaofhearts | 9:33 pm
aren't u happy with knowing my pen name?

daylightful | 9:34 pm
i want to know more than just 'sea'

seaofhearts | 9:35 pm
u haven't exactly told me your name either.

daylightful | 9:37 pm
it starts with an i and ends with an a. i've given you more hints. plus, my pen name basically reveals it.

seaofhearts | 9:38 pm
yeah ok, 'sun'

daylightful | 9:39 pm
fineee. the second letter is a d.

seaofhearts | 9:42 pm
ida?

daylightful | 9:43 pm
no, but i guess that can be considered a nickname of it.

She doesn't respond immediately which worries me. I want to meet her, but I also don't want her to suddenly figure out who I am.

seaofhearts | 9:50 pm
hmm

Her response stresses me out.

daylightful | 9:52 pm
ok.. do u want to talk about something else?

seaofhearts | 9:53 pm
sure

I feel relaxed as our conversation turns into something else entirely. She always has a way of making me smile. She brings out the light in everything which is ironic, since my name literally means 'behold the sun' but I'm negative while she isn't.

As I'm looking down at my screen, I start to think about her more. I imagine how her face must look now, reading my messages. I shake out of that daydream though, well at this point, it's more of a nightdream, and I respond back to her text.

When she responds, I immediately get back to thinking about her but I scold myself.

What if she isn't what I expect?

I know that I shouldn't make an image of her in my head because I might get disappointed later on, but it's impossible to do. As I get up and look into my bedroom mirror, I think about me from her perspective.

What if I'm not what she's imagined?

I think farther into what might go through her head. If she's thought about hanging out together. If she's ever thought about dating me—

I shake my head at that. I shouldn't hope for anything, especially since I don't even know if she's into girls or not.

  I send her more messages and happily keep the conversation going. As I settle into my bed and tell my parents goodnight, I think more about her. Now that I know she goes to my school, I am determined to find her. I know she isn't ready but it's killing me to not know these basic things about her like her name and what she looks like. So, I will try my hardest to figure out who my Tumblr friend is.

  And nothing will stop me.