When Love Makes A Mistake (Book 2 of WL Trilogy) (ML, #2)

Kabanata 20

Kabanata 20

No more hopes

My head hurts so badly. Halos iuntog ko na ‘to kung saan maalis lang ang sakit. Napatingin ako sa orasan. It is 10:30 in the morning at hindi pa rin ako bumabangon. Ano bang gagawin ko ngayong araw? Napatagilid ako at biglang napatayo sa katok sa pinto ko.

“Leigh, pinapatawag ka ni lolo,” Gaile shouted while knocking.

“Oo! Oo na!” My head hurts at my shout. Damn. Binuksan ko ang pinto at napatalon si Gaile sa akin.

“Ano ‘yan?” Tumingin siya mula ulo hanggang paa. “Ano ‘yan?” Para siyang nandidiri ng tingin sa akin. “Anong nangyari sa’yo?! Parang may dumaan na bagyo sa buong katawan mo.” Lumapit si Gaile sa akin. “Yuck! You smell something like alcohol?! Oh my God—what is this?!” Tinuro niya iyong mantsa sa damit ko.

“Suka ko.” Napairap ako sa kanya.

“Yuck, Leigh!” Diring-diring si Gaile at nangangasim ang mukha sa akin. Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kanya at naghihintay ng sasabihin. “Talagang pupunta ka kay lolo ng ganyan?” tanong niya.

“Why not?” Walang kalatoy-latoy kong sabi at itinulak ng marahan si Gaile. Naglakad ako papunta sa office ni lolo at bago ko pa mahawakan ang knob ay nagsalita si Gaile.

“Leigh! You shoul—“ And I don’t hear any words from her kasi nagmamadali na akong buksan ang pinto. Sinira ko agad iyon at bumungad sa akin si lolo na nakatayo at nakatalikod sa akin habang tumitingin sa bintana niya.

“Tomorrow…” aniya. “I don’t want anyone or anything to disrupt the wedding. Anyone or anything, Leigh.” Napaawang ako ng bibig. Naistatwa ako habang tinititigan ang likod ni lolo at bigla itong humarap sa akin. “Naiintindihan mo ba?” His words are creepy as he is. Ilang beses akong napalunok pero wala pa rin akong ginagawa. “Hindi mo ba pa nakikita ang invitation? Bukas na. And I don’t like anyone to interrupt the wedding even your brother, your mother or anyone. No one can stop the wedding. No one, Leigh. Kahit ikaw hindi mo mapipigilan or else alam mo ang mangyayari. You won’t like me when I’m mad.” You’re insane, I thought. You’re evil, lolo. “Ayaw mo namang sigurong dalawin ang mama mo sa kulungan, right?! Don’t be too selfish. This is your mother we’re talking about. Don’t be such a brat!” My hands balled into fist. Tinitigan ko siya. Until, until my tears rolled down on my face. Nanatili pa rin akong nakatingin kay lolo habang tumutulo itong luha ko.

“Right, I’m too selfish.” I said and my lips are trembling. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko gamit ang kamay ko. “Too selfish to let myself to marry a boy who is too obsessed with me. Too selfish to let you have what you wanted and sacrificing my own happiness. Right, I’m too selfish! I’m such a fucking brat!” My face turned red with rage. Halos masaktan ko na ang sarili kong kamay sa pagkakayukom. Lolo’s face turned red, too.

“Aren’t you happy? You can have everything. You can travel the world. You can do what you want if you let yourself with Yuan. You’re so lucky to have Yuan.” Nanghihina na ang tuhod ko. But I keep a straight face to him.

Bumaba lahat ng pader sa akin. Nawala iyong protekta ko sa sarili sa lahat ng sakit. Nang dahil kahapon. I’m not the Leigh who is strong to the eyes of everyone. I’m not anymore the Leigh who pretends that she is invisible with pain. Not anymore, I lost the only person who can love me. For all those years, I just want to love and to be loved. But I lose him. I am fucking lost without him.

“Lucky? God, how lucky I am because of you! You can’t teach one’s heart to love anyone. You can’t just tell that you want me to love Yuan. And give all my heart and soul!”

“SHUT UP!” Lolo roared.

“Shut up?! I don’t even know if I am really related to you! Where’s your heart, lo? Nasaan ang puso mo?! Or…” Napangisi ako. “Right, I forgot. You’re heartless.  You didn’t even have a heart.” And lolo slapped me. Napapeke ako ng tawa. “Sana hindi na lang kami naging apo mo. You’re too cruel!”

Hindi na maipinta ang mukha ni lolo. My heart hurts at my words. Hindi ko man gustong sabihin iyon pero nasasaktan na ako at nasasakal sa gusto niya.

“You can’t change or do anything now, Leigh! Nakukuha kung anong gusto ko! And no one will ever change those things. I want you to marry Yuan. I want you to give yourself to him. And I can have what I want!” At lumabas siyang office niya. Iniwan niya akong umiiyak doon. Tama siya, wala akong magagawa para ayawan ito.

Kasi kung aayawan ko ‘to si mama naman ang mahihirapan. I don’t want to lose mama. Ayoko nang mawala pa siya sa amin ni Chico katulad ng pagkawala ni papa sa amin.

**

Maraming tao ang pumapasok sa kwarto ko, asking me what I want. Iyong iba hindi ko kilala. Tumawag pa ang mom ni Yuan sa akin na ayos na ang lugar ng reception sa hotel nila. And all I could do is to feign my happiness and telling them that I’m so happy with all their efforts. Dumating na rin ang susuotin kong gown.  And I am staring at the gown. The gown is too beautiful and it hurts my eyes so much.

Sa labas ng kwarto ko naririnig ko ang tili ni Gaile at Lucy sa ibang gowns na pinadala. They are all too excited. But not me. I am an exception.

Napahiga ako at napapikit. Tomorrow, everything will change. I’ll be a married woman. I will have Wong in me. And I couldn’t imagine myself beside Yuan. My eyes tight closed when another image came. I breathed his name, “Benj.”

All I could see is his straight face with no emotions or anything. I was too desperate, yesterday. I was crying my heart out but all he could do was to stare at me. I tortured myself calling his name. Calling his name that hurts my body for his touch. I ache more for a touch but he couldn’t gave me a touch I wanted. I screamed inside my mind, too desperate, too frustrated, but he gave me a cold stare.

His love got tired. And I couldn’t do anything about me. I let go of him because I know my love wasn’t enough to fight for him…wasn’t enough for the tireless love he offered.  And until now, I am not enough. At ano bang aasahan kong ibibigay niya sa akin ngayon? Nothing.

My love was wrong for a guy like him. I couldn’t bet my life for him. I couldn’t commit a mistake for him. Because I know my love is a mistake.  Napapagod din si Benj. I know. Nasaktan ko rin siya for me giving up so easily. Because I know I’m too worthless for the tireless love.

Napakagat ako ng labi para mapigilan ang luha ko. For all these years, hinayaan ko na si lolo na maghari sa buhay ko. Wala kaming magawa.

“Leigh…” There was a soft voice. He knocked at my door. I just stared on it. I wanted to hear his voice because this voice will be in my mind tomorrow until I don’t know. “Leigh…It is Yuan. Can you open the door?” I gulped. Guilt runs to my system. How? How can I love you when you’re love is poison to me? Yuan changed. Yes, I tried so hard. I tried to love him. But all I can see is him…si Benj? How?

Nanghihina akong tumayo para pagbuksan siya ng pinto. I can’t even change into new clothes. Everything will change tomorrow.

Pagkabukas ko ng pinto, Yuan gave me a small smile. He looked at me with pain in his eyes. I shook my head. Bumalik ako sa kama at humiga. Tumagilid ako. My heart hurts at his precence. Ayokong makita siya. Namumuo na naman ang luha ko. Napapikit ako. I am too vulnerable. Dati parang wala lang sa akin ‘yung sakit pero ngayon kahit anong oras pumapasok na iyong sakit.

“Leigh…” Umupo si Yuan sa aking kama. Hindi ko pa rin siya pinansin. “I’m sorry.” Yuan choked at his words. Something on his words wants me to hope. Pero alam ko tuloy na tuloy ito bukas.

“Please…Yuan. Kung sasabihin mo lang ako na ituloy ang kasal? Matutuloy ‘yun dahil gusto mo at ni lolo.” I pleaded. Ayokong may kumausap sa akin ngayon. Alam ko naman na alam na ni Yuan na nasasaktan ako sa mangyayari bukas kaya nga humihingi siya ng tawad. But saying those words are not enough to change what will happen tomorrow.

“I’m sorry,” he said, again. And I hear his footsteps na papalabas ng kwarto ko.

No more hopes, it will happen tomorrow.