Close Your Eyes, Mr. Player

Close Your Eyes, Mr. Player ~ Chapter 12

Chapter 12

I don't remember when I stopped crying, but I remembered everything after it as if it had happened more than once. And it had. 

I got up from my bed, wiping the tears from my face. there were several spots where my mascara had stained my white pillows, and I groaned in frustration, stripping the pillow cases off them to go to wash. I walked into my bathroom and threw them in the hamper, something catching my attention in the corner of my eye. It was sitting on the bathtub ledge. Mocking me.

Without even forcing myself, I started to walk over to the tub, my eyes on the razor sharp shaver that was sitting there. So many memories instantly flooded through my mind but I ignored them all as I reached for the razor. I ran my thumb lightly over the blade and winced when it easily cut through my skin. 

I could almost hear everyone that I knew screaming at me, telling me not to do it. "Feeling pain is better than feeling nothing," I whispered to myself. I knew that if I wasn't with Jesse, there was no reason for living anymore. And that idea burned bright in my mind as I pressed the sharp blade into my wrist and pulled upwards, making deep cuts in my skin.

I felt a familiarity of pain as the blood seeped through my jagged wounds, and I let more tears fall. Not from the pain of the cuts, but from every single ounce of pain I'd ever felt. And for that moment I hated everything and everyone around me. It didn't matter anymore, because as far as I knew, everyone in the world was dead to me. All I knew was my pain, and the sense of real feeling that it gave me. 

Even still, I got glimpses of Jesse, Lucas, Skipper, Hannah and everyone else yelling at me to stop, begging me to. I saw Lucas' fierce eyes and Jesse's pleading face. But each one meant nothing to me right now. They were just little images in my head. 

I switched to my other arm, and cut them faster, deeper. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out in pain, but I didn't care. The pain brought feeling, and that's exactly what I needed. Feeling. Because without Jesse, there was none. He hated me. Jesse had said he loved me, and now he completely hated me. And it was my fault. I didn't know what Skipper had said to him, but it didn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, she's dead to me anyway. 

Suddenly, after about an hour of struggling, the lock on my door finally snapped, and Skipper came in my room. "Melody?" she called, before turning her head to see me on the bathroom floor. She widened her eyes before turning her head to the door and pointing in my direction. 

When I saw Hannah's face, all I could do was cry. She ran over to me and ripped the blade from my hands, pulling me tightly into her chest. I gripped her shirt so tightly, I thought my fingers would fall off from the numbness. But all I could do was hold my best friend close as I cried into her shoulder. It reminded me of the first time it happened. Hannah had been there for me, and helped me to stop. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. 

But today, throwing the blade aside wasn't so hard, because I was stronger now. I'd beaten all of these feelings before. And this time it wasn't Jesse and his harassment. It was the fact that he hated me. It was the fact that not matter how much I hated to admit it, I loved him, and he hated me.