Don't Get Too Close (Justin Bieber Love Story / Fan Fiction)

Forty-Four: "I hate you."

Chapter Forty-four: "I hate you."
__________
Song of the chapter:
Say Something by A Great Big World (ik i already used this song but i mean idk this song just goes with this whole story i feel damn)
__________

Justin,

I hate you.

I hate what you did to me, I hate what you made me feel, and most importantly, I hate that I let all of this happen. When school ended and the beginning of summer arrived, I thought my summer would be reading magazines and watching movies alone and having the ever-so-occasional conversation with Mark. I thought I would be cooped up in my room all day and night, thinking about what exactly my purpose on this earth was and why things happened to be so difficult for me. But then you came along and you screwed up my expectations. You moved in across the street from me and immediately presented me with your smooth, slightly conceited personality and your attitude that was almost as bad as my own. You somehow managed to gain my trust and my friendship and most importantly, my heart.

I love you.

I love what you did for me, I love what you made me feel, and of course, most importantly, I love that all of this happened. Instead of spending my summer alone, I met one of the greatest people the world has to offer: you. You listened to me when I needed it, you made me laugh, you made me try new things, and you made me feel something. I think that was all I ever wanted, too, was to actually feel something. Before you came along, "love" wasn't in my vocabulary. All of the romantic, girly stuff seemed so forced and fake. I didn't like the idea of it. But you proved to me that love is so much more than that. Love is trusting a person. Love is caring for a person with all you have; it's caring so much for a person that you would do whatever it takes to get them to smile just once. Love is pain. Love hurts. Movies and television glamorize love, but it really sucks, Justin. Love sucks.

Loving you brought me so much conflict and confusion. You hurt me, and I hurt you. Then we would forgive each other. We'd be okay for a while, but then it would all go downhill again. But no matter how much of a roller coaster ride our relationship was, my love for you only increased. After every fight we had or every disagreement or dispute, I found myself loving you more and more every time. And that was so confusing. It still is.

As much as I hate myself for letting you completely wash away the hard exterior I've been working so hard to put up, I can't say it made me love you any less. In fact, it proved to me that people are capable of change. Things can get better. Maybe all you need is a little push.

I want to hate you so much for finally breaking me. I wish I could say I don't love you anymore so we could both just move on already and really, truly forget about each other for good. Like you said, that would be better for us-- to be apart. When we are together, I feel extraordinary. I feel invincible. I feel powerful. But at the same time, I'm so scared. I'm terrified of how much I care about you and how much you mean to me. It's not healthy.

Although we aren't going to see each other for the next three months, I think it would be better if we completely went our separate ways. And by that, I mean that I don't want to see you when my treatment is over. Not for a very long time. This isn't because I don't love you, it's because I do love you. I love you too much to let you near me again. I told you I was no good for you. Everything that has gone wrong this summer just proves my point. You need to find someone who can not only love you as much as I do, but can also take care of herself.

Maybe someday when I'm getting my mail or getting ready to go somewhere, I'll end up seeing you outside doing yard work or getting into your car. Maybe you'll be on your way to school or to go hang out with friends. Maybe you'll be on your way to visit your girlfriend. But promise me you won't say anything to me. Promise me you won't try to talk to me and get me back. Promise me you won't break down.