Don't Get Too Close (Justin Bieber Love Story / Fan Fiction)

Nineteen: Saved Again

Nineteen: Saved Again
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Song of the chapter:
Wonderwall by Oasis
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Gripping the edge of the bathroom counter top in my slightly sweating hands, my head hung low so that I was staring into the sink. It was there where two of my razors lay. They hadn't been used in days because I had been so busy hanging around Justin, but their reappearance presented me with a chilling feeling that I couldn't shake. It was like they were glaring at me; their shine was like a hypnosis act trying to lure me in. Weeks ago, I would have taken them and gone through with hurting myself without a second thought in my mind because I lacked a conscience.

But ever since Justin. . .

My eyes trailed down to my completely bare wrists where I examined my previously inflicted wounds from days prior. They were bad-- awful. I couldn't recall the last time they looked that way.

You deserved it though, the anonymous, yet completely familiar voice hissed in my head.

I shut my eyes tight, trying to rid my mind of the thoughts that were approaching. I had been doing so well, I couldn't ruin it. I had no reason to. Just because they were there and I was upset about who I was, I knew I shouldn't do it. If I did, a short term problem would effect me forever.

My head was swarmed with terrible thoughts, one of them being: does Justin only like me because I remind him of Katherine?

It sounded so fucked up. It made sense, but it was absolutely, undeniably fucked up.

Shaking my head, I grabbed the razors in my hand and turned away from the mirror, flicked the light off, then proceeded to my room.

Don't do it, I thought.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and shook them in my hands as if they were a pair of dice. My forehead was sweating and my heart was pounding. My chest ached. I bit down on my bottom lip, gnawing at it anxiously.

Do it, the dark voice pushed.

Swallowing, I dropped one of them down on my mattress beside me but still held onto the other. The cool metal glided across the pads of my fingers, bringing me a calming sensation. It was bizarre how it could be soothing one second just to hold, but in the next, it could potentially be deadly. I had the power of ending my own life in the palm of my hand-- literally. It was extremely dangerous for someone like me to have that kind of power.

Put it away now before it's too late, my thoughts warned.

Picking up my hand, I ran the dull side of the metal across my trembling skin, reflecting on what it was like to really do it. To really push the blade into my skin and inflict the pain that I craved. But did I really crave it? Or did I crave what it did to me? How it could make me forget everything about myself-- mainly my past-- even if it was just for a moment?

Do it now.

Just as I thought I had myself convinced to do it because my mind had gotten past my wall once again, a gentle knock tapped at my bedroom door.

Before I even knew who it was, I grabbed both blades and tossed them into my nightstand drawer, careless as to exactly where they ended up. I closed it with my hip and tucked my hair behind my ears in a flustered motion, feeling the dampness in my hairline. My throat was dry and my heart thudded like a snare drum in my chest, bringing me to think I would have a heart attack at any minute.

"Uh, y-yeah? Come in," I invited shakily, still not a clue in my mind of who it was. I didn't care, really, because I was just happy that I got rid of the evidence before I could be caught.