takes a bit more • matthew healy

xlviii.) skin

i'm so awful at feeling something especially when i know i should be.

i'm only ever excellent at feeling everything when the situation doesn't call for it.

i'm such a fucking twat.

"say something." rhiannon mumbles to my bare chest.

we've been sat in the tub for about an hour i think, my fingers are getting crinkly and so are hers but none of us have the energy to get out of the toilet and put on some fucking clothes.

my lit cigarette's been in between my lips for about a minute now. i just can't seem to think.

or feel. i can't get myself to feel.

"matty." she whispers. desperate. her hair's soaked and the droplets are running down on my wet skin.

i can tell she's about to cry but i'm just about empty as the bottle of wine on the bathroom floor.

"i love you, you know." she breathes out.

she's been trying to tell me this since admitting to making out with my best friend behind my back.

what luck.

it didn't have to be george.

it didn't have to be to my best friend. the one i grew up with. the man i've been insecure about for the longest fucking time in my life. just when i thought i got something worth keeping for myself, he'd have to come forth and shatter it to pieces.

it didn't have to be george.

"i don't know." i murmur in the silence of the rushing water.

i hear her softly sobbing just as i'm about to take another drag quietly.

it depresses me that i feel nothing.

i can feel my girlfriend run her fingers through my damp hair, her nails sinking deep into my scalp.

"you don't have to say it. i know." her voice is trembling and i feel like shit.

i should be saying something.

i should be saying sorry i cheated on her.

george wouldn't have done this to her if i didn't sleep with my ex girlfriend.

i should apologise for being a shit boyfriend.

but i don't know. i don't know anything really.

"i'll be here, okay?" rhian sniffs.

it's driving me mental that she's like this.

"until you want to say anything." she continues.

suddenly she presses a soft kiss against my lips.

then she slowly gets up from the tub, wrapping her wet skinny body with a towel from the floor, leaving me with my cigarette and my overflowing thoughts.