takes a bit more • matthew healy

xxxi.) betrayed

i feel so fucking betrayed.

looking at my older, twenty-seven year-old sister in the face after all the revelation is making me feel so hurt.

but i'm quite sure looking at matty—if i find him, wherever he is—would hurt a million times over.

kind of like dying.

what happened to our plan of dying together?

"i'm taking you with me." eunice had said when she had finished discussing things to me.

"no." i had said. over and over and over. "you're not taking me. this is where i live now—"

"in a tourbus?" she, my sister, had her way of making it sound so terrible; tagging along with your boyfriend and his friends on tour around the country. which makes me feel dumb and quite pathetic. "this is unhealthy for you, rhiannon—"

"and who are you to say that it's unhealthy for me? have you seen my living condition when dad died? mum fucking despises me—"

"because you're a product of an affair, and she knows it." eunice had brought out a marlboro. she smokes the same type as matty. "i'm not taking you back there, even matty said it isn't safe—"

"matty?" i had repeated. "are you telling me this was his idea to bring me out of here?"

her frown was almost fake, it brought me sick to my stomach. "he said it was for your own benefit."

matty wouldn't.

he would never.

"you're clearly making up lies to make me come with you." i had tried to sound tough, but shit's exhausting, especially for me who easily runs out of breath.

my sister, eunice (i wonder if my dad thought of the name. it's pretty.) liked to sigh. she looks less terrible than i do; properly fed, rich, and just looking sharp altogether. however, the way she sighs brings me back to memories of my father, who had always had a tired face.

eunice and i are sat on this corner of the dressing room. she's texting whom she says is her boyfriend who lives with her. i'm just picking on my nails until they bleed.

"i told george i wouldn't go." i say quietly while she's on her phone.

"who's george?"

"the... the drummer." i sigh. "never mind. wasn't your plan entirely to take me anyway."

i still can't believe matty would be the one to suggest such an option.

once again, i feel betrayed, and it's piercing through my chest. i've ran out of tears to cry, for fuck's sake. all i can do now is stare blankly.

i hear eunice talk. "there he is."

i can't look at matty in the eye. i'd rather go mad. instead i look at george, who's standing tall right next to him. he's got this bit of a sad smile going on, trying to make me feel happy i guess.

i shrug at him. "i suppose you won't have to deal with trying to like me now, huh?"

he frowns. "feeding me anything but the truth, rhian. you know this sucks even for me." he clears his throat. "matthew here needs to talk to you for a moment, if that's alright."

"of course." i return the sad smile, finally looking at my boyfriend. it does feel like dying. dying having to look at him. "that's totally alright. isn't it?"

matty frowns. "rhiannon, i—"

"don't go around saying apologies." i mutter. "really."

"it's only for a few weeks, i promise. once the tour ends." he continues on, as if it's making me feel any better. "you can live with me."

i scoff. "i wouldn't believe that now that you're technically selling me, matty."

"i'm not selling you. i want you to have a better life."

"by not being with you, is that it?"

silence.

eunice says softly, "my... my boyfriend's car is just circling the block. i think we should get your things in the bus and go."

matty is just staring at me, eyes piercing through mine. "i'm sorry." he says. i can tell he's about to cry. "i'm sorry, rhiannon." his voice breaks. matty clenches his jaw.

i don't want to be there once he actually starts crying. it's going to break me more than it's breaking him.

i just love him too fucking much.

"let's go, then." i say to my sister.

matty doesn't say anything else.