takes a bit more • matthew healy

xlvi.) medicine

i wish i can say i've been getting better but frankly i stopped trying to lie to myself upon the realisation that i've only got a few days off before i actually send myself in for hell.

days were slow mostly. i finally got around to reading a book, which i haven't done in quite some time since tour. it kind of helped my mind shut up in a peaceful way actually—most of the time it's just running a million miles a second, craving for a high.

usually rhiannon would read with me as i highlight a bunch of sentences that feel like gospel in my head. but eventually she'd just end up smoking in the tub or walking to the kitchen to get something to drink.

we only ever stay in bed most of the time, to be frank. and rhiannon's almost always just in her underwear. like she's too bothered by the things in her head to actually get a proper change.

adam's mum came in the morning and began talking to me about meditation and how it's helped her with a shit ton of problems and how she believes it could cure even my drug addiction apparently. adam had then told her to keep quiet because she was coming off as a bit nosy.

"i'm saying, matthew dear. there's an app for everything." she had said before george changed the topic to fucking politics or whatever.

i wish i was lying but i actually saw rhiannon look up meditation sites for hours on my laptop that night when she thought i had been sleeping. afterwards she started smoking on the porch until about 3 in the morning when she crawled right next to me and eventually passed out.

i wanted to ask her all about it the next morning but she had woken up with the biggest smile on her face asking if i would like tea, like how she usually does even after quietly crying the night before.

—

"what do you want to do today?" my girlfriend had just come back to the groceries together with adam, and now she's taking off her—i mean my—shirt while standing right next to our tiny wooden closet in my room. "the weather's nice. i figured we could go for a walk, or maybe eat late lunch. you haven't had breakfast, have you? adam and i got you some —"

"sounds lovely." my cigarette pack is running out because of her and i could really use a new pack, but i don't bring it up. also i can't quite focus on anything right now; it's one of those days where i just miss some sort of drug in my system, but george took the rest of the weed and i have been left with nothing these past few days. not like i'm even allowed to get high in the first place. "do you think we could have chinese for lunch?"

fucking hell. i feel a headache coming on.

rhiannon crawls right next to me on our bed, and i kiss her neck just because i feel like it. she smells of the woods for some reason. "baby, your stubble." she whispers, laughing softly.

i chuckle, softly scratching her neck with my facial hair. "ah. i may have forgotten to shave."

rhiannon's giggle causes me to smile. i love her so fucking much.  "we went to the home centre to get some furniture." she says after awhile, untangling her fingers around mine. "apparently one of you lads broke the coffee table recently."

"it was george." i mutter under her skin. his name leaves quite a bitter taste in my mouth.

"george shattered the coffee table?" she repeats. a bit slowly. as if shattering the fucking glass isn't something george daniel would do. he's a drummer for fuck's sake, has she forgotten?

i trace my girlfriend's prominent collarbones with my calloused finger gently. "yeah."

"oh." she breathes out. "that's... quite unfortunate."