takes a bit more • matthew healy

xlii.) tears

i'm shaking like no tomorrow, beads of sweat dripping from my skin onto the floor.

"matty! matty! matty!" the crowd is screaming my name over and over and over, cheers are getting too loud to bear and the spotlight is feeling a bit too hot against my bare skin.

"mate, what are you doing? get up from the floor!" george is shouting, obviously as exasperated as i am. "we're about to play medicine, what are you on about?"

my breath is heaving, i feel like i'm sinking onstage with all this noise. "matty! matty! matty!"

fuck. stop. please.

"please." i mumble on the microphone around my hand. "please, for one moment fucking quiet down–"

"matty!" i look up to see a familiar girl in the front row. gabriella is beaming at me, phone in front of her face as she takes photos. "smile, baby, you're live!"

"rhiannon..." i say like some sort of chant, all of a sudden i'm scrambling around the stage looking for a source of reality. anything. "rhiannon?"

"matthew, i'm right here love!"

i look up, desperate in trying to find her voice amidst the noise from the crowd. "baby? rhian, where are you?"

i don't think i can go about this any longer.

i finally find her, behind george's drum set... behind george.

kissing george.

the cheers grow louder. no. no. no. no.

"get away from her!" i roar, but all of a sudden i can barely move and i'm stuck with my legs glued onstage. "fucking get off from her!" the crowd's noise is deafening however i can only focus on one thing, like the room had been vacuumed out and there's only me. and george. and my girlfriend.

george runs his hand through rhiannon's hair, their kiss seemingly growing deeper and deeper and it's fucking torture but i cannot look away. i just can't, and now i'm crying. i desperately want this to be over please.

"please..." i beg.

i want this to be over.

"just please..."

—

my head is pounding like no tomorrow when i finally gather the strength to open my eyes.

my mum's sat on the foot of this cold unfamiliar bed. i see her eyes grow wide although i'm still a bit too hazy to make out her entire figure.

"he's awake." she announces, and it only hits me that both jamie and adam are in the room, standing next to the door.

it also hits me that i'm in the hospital, i don't know how long i've been here but judging from how i'm feeling currently—shitty, with my head throbbing and my mouth wanting to vomit—i say i must have been here a while.

"hey, matthew. how you feeling mate?" jamie asks, a bit of a tired smile on his face. "you've been talking in your sleep."